AIBU to not "get" mass public mourning?

[BabyMummy29]

Thinking of the sad case of the little boy in Edinburgh at the moment, but on so many occasions nowadays people leave flowers, toys etc when they didn't even know the person concerned,

Wouldn't they be better spending the money on a donation to a charity.

I just don't get it at all. Fair enough if you knew the person involved. but not otherwise.

Agree LyingwWitch it all seems to be about showing it to other people who are showing it about as well & agree outpouring of everything. Even buying a roll of sellotape earlier today on Amazon I was asked if I wanted to "share" the fact on Facebook or Twitter FFS

And 1ggle - agree wholeheartedly. A lot of funeral arrangements ask for "family flowers only & donations to a particular charity" - hate to see so much waste. Even the toys will end up in the bin as they'll be soaked with rain & there'll be Health & Safety stupid rules about giving them to children's homes/wards

All the 'sleeping with the Angles' (sic) pictures on FB are ... bizarre.

The bereaved has thanked the public!!

Weelady yes & if I lived close enough I'd've been out there helping. I don't think I've slagged anyone off.

iggle there will be members of the community who will sort out teddies and cards etc ..once this has died down..

when it happened to my neighbours child..i washed all the teddies and gave them to parents, they requested they be sent off to charity..we donated them to local hospitals..
when i and others did this and mucked in for our friends and neighbours..it wasnt about ownership..it was just being there for the family...part of community spirit

I wonder if the press coverage is not helping. It gathers such momentum and there is an expectation that the displays will be published.

I was stunned by one of the placards that was held by a child, giving sentiments that seemed heartfelt but so mature. Then I saw another, different, placard, with exactly the same phrases, bar one, and thought .

Either way, I agree wholeheartedly with the people who say that tragic circumstances such as these don't really have a 'rule book'. I think the fact that we get live updates and extensive coverage in the press, brings it into our lives in a way that wasn't there before.

I think there's a huge difference between people who were involved in the search or otherwise connected to the child quietly laying some flowers and the twee messages on facebook and making of posters and shrines and public chest beating of those with no connection at all

The former is understandable and borne of respect . The latter is, in most cases, mawkish, distasteful and borne of self interest imo

I didn't say you had I was telling you about police asking for help then I got carried away writing!

Exactly, Catgirl.

Weelady

catgirl at public chest beating - agree with you totally

I think why it worries me is that I find it unhealthy and I will try to explain my views. I am referring to those people who say they are devastated by the loss of someone they did not know. It is about our ability to cope with life's events. I see it through my work where people become very stressed over incidents, some small, some less so. They go off work for a long time, not weeks months. My real worry and why I find it unhealthy, is when people are so affected by matters that either not anything really to do with them or minor matters compared to some things (in this instance i mean work related matters the death of someone is not a minor matter). I just wonder how society would cope if say we had a another world war. Could we really cope with a major incident. I accept that society needs to be and should be compassionate and it is good to recognise peoples feelings but there is a balance. I think we in danger of going to far in the wrong direction hence why I think it is unhealthy to be so upset by the loss of someone who you do not know.

Of course 'the bereaved' has thanked the public, what else can they do? Having cameras filming them, being dragged into discussing their feelings and having to comfort others instead of being left to their own grief... pretty much like Pagwatch explained in her post about the mother waiting for her son's operation to finish and having to deal with another mother wailing.

I can completely understand about community grief because of their actual involvement in trying to help, trying to comfort the family and friends; it must be horrendous. KatieScarlet's post is so eloquent.

Maybe to do with their own unresolved grief? An outpouring of that? Or imagining how they would feel in that situation.

I didn't get Diana...I went out shopping that day.

OP, I was thinking of posting about this, but lost my nerve ... but now, I have to ask, why do those leaving stuff in front of the house leave what the press call 'cuddly toys'? It's totally pointless? The poor little dead boy isn't going to see then and the things will just get wet and useless.

Why can't the people, instead of leaving them whre they do, take them to a hospital, hospice, care home or somesuch, where kids will enjoy them? What is the point to leaving them in front of a place? It all seemed to start on the death of Princess Diana.

I am probably going to get flamed here, but I think a lot of the stuff going on with leaving 'cuddly toys, and ... OK ...I'm even more out of order now .., is a sort of mawkish 'grieving' by people. Especially when there are TV news crews around to film their 'grief'.

(Putting on hard hat, bullet proof vest and hunkering down ...)

I cried when I heard Diana had died, I thought it was a terrible waste of a young life with so much potential - and I thought of her young sons.

I caught the bit of the funeral with that disgusting, screeching woman who obviously had no respect for the two boys behaving with such dignity, following their mum's coffin, and I was utterly ashamed that something so unnecessary had been broadcast worldwide, and 'immortalised'. No excuses whatsoever.

weelady people have every right to discuss their opinion and nobody has been disrespectful. You don't have the right to tell people to shut their mouths just because they disagree with you. Oh, and it's 'their' not 'there'.

I think there is a huge difference between those who were involved in the search laying flowers, and mawkish attention-seeking grief whoring on Facebook etc. Making a charity donation would be much more meaningful and would actually help people. There is enormous pressure now to make big grand public displays of grief when ANYTHING sad happens. That's not healthy, and it's very unfair on those who prefer to keep their grief private. Diana's death is a good example - the Queen is from the generation where you grieve privately and to force your grief on others is seen as rude. My relatives who are around the Queen's age would be exactly the same. There was no allowance made for the fact that not everyone wants to grieve publicly, and that is OK.

Some people ARE grief whores. They are people who go to funerals of people they don't know (and not where that is culturally normal, like it is in Ireland for example) just because they enjoy the grieving and especially the attention. It's like Munchausen's but for grief.

doormat I do think there's emotional incontinence on Remembrance Sunday. Not by everyone, but given the mawkish sentimentality on Facebook around that time, that has nothing to do with the anti-war reasons Remembrance Sunday was established. Reading some war poetry or making a donation to a peace charity is far more honouring of the fallen than some shitty clip art of a poppy.

Good point honestpoint I too despair at our (society's) lack of ability to cope with things - anything - these days

I have thought that too honestpoint at times.

oldgrandmama You won't get flamed, you're entitled to your opinion and it's shared by many.

I think that some people want to show that it's a child and there is more selection in 'toys' than in flowers so they can lay something more 'unique'. I don't know whether they think they're doing the right thing or whether they just want to do what they want to do regardless; to me, it looks like a depressing attempt at a fairground,

Charities could do so much with this money; if people wanted to do something, they could quietly donate to a childrens' charity or whatever their favourite one is. I'm sure the family would be just as happy to be left alone.

littlebaby

with respect I can tell you that after the accident dds was involved in and the dreadful consequences for all involved, some fatal and others life changing seeing the masses of flowers and gifts for the girls it helped enormously to know people cared.

nobody found it mawkish, attention seeking or disrespectful but uplifting, supportive and kind.

Evening Witchway - That is the issue for me; Our lack of ability to cope with anything. I see it so at work (large employer) as well as in outside. It seems to be getting worse not better.

But it does provide comfort to the families to know that people acknowledge what has happened. So how do you get that across to the families in an anonymous donation?

I dunno. I'm arguing every side on this thread it seems.

x posted with BootyCall yes that's what I am getting at. Sure, a suitable charity donation may have been practical, but wouldn't have comforted her family. If you follow me.

YANBU to not "get it." Not everyone has the same level of compassion as someone else.

A lot of people who have been moved by the child's disappearance, and now death, because they either have a child in their lives or just have empathy for someone who has lost their child, brother, grandson, nephew, friend.

Leaving flowers, cards and teddies is an easy way to show care without everyone knocking on the door and saying so.

Some people are able to care about someone they don't know.