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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not "get" mass public mourning?

541 replies

BabyMummy29 · 19/01/2014 16:22

Thinking of the sad case of the little boy in Edinburgh at the moment, but on so many occasions nowadays people leave flowers, toys etc when they didn't even know the person concerned,

Wouldn't they be better spending the money on a donation to a charity.

I just don't get it at all. Fair enough if you knew the person involved. but not otherwise.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 19/01/2014 19:41

Posting on a thread 'OP I am sorry for your loss' is acknowledging their loss and being respectful

Turning up on their doorstep in tears clutching a hand written poem a bunch of daffs and claiming to be devastated would be OTT

WitchWay · 19/01/2014 19:41

Yes LyingWitch - I found that very disrespectful. So many people have to bleed themselves dry all over the place in public - I can't bear it. When the poor little chap has his funeral they'll all be filming it on their phones as well - awful

Bootycall · 19/01/2014 19:47

littlebaby of course I donate? I would be amazed that anyone who wears a poppy doesn't?

I think on a very emotive thread like this, and I know it is so for me personally and other posters, you shouldn't be pointing out spelling mistakes really. just think it through.

Bootycall · 19/01/2014 19:52

lyingwhitch my son went to wooton Bassett with his teen mates to honour their friend killed in Afghanistan.

he was 18.. so yes of course there were lots of teens there

they didn't stand in silence they clapped and shouted as the hearse drive past.

deep grief, deep sadness, probably a bit noisy but according to him the older soldiers with medals were not disturbed. they all had a drink afterwards in the pub.

Bootycall · 19/01/2014 19:55

and to add all this bollocks about how would we cope if we had another war?

we would cope as people always cope in a disaster or emergency. did you miss the footage of 9/11 and 7/7,, people ran to help others as they always do.

I would far far rather live in a society that shows grief, acknowledges sadness and tries to show support than a society where no one seems to give a flying fuck.

YouTheCat · 19/01/2014 19:57

But Booty, you don't have to be chucking flowers and teddies all over to give a fuck, you really don't. I think that that is equated with caring is part of the problem.

Weelady77 · 19/01/2014 19:58

I just don't see why you are all getting so wound up about people laying flowers for this wee boy!!!

hope4455 · 19/01/2014 20:00

I went to Kensington Palace after Diana died. I found it quite scarey with people properly crying and some were very distressed.
I remember all the flowers at Dunblane which had happened a year before i think, i never went to Dunblane but i remember seeing all the flowers on the tv.
More recently i went to the Clutha bar, my daughter wanted to go. This has been one of the first shocking events that she has been aware of and we live near. We went the day after all the barriers had been taken down so you could walk right up to the pub. I hadnt taken flowers and when we got there i wished i had not gone. The pub is so small that the thought of a helicopter landing on top of it upset me more. I did leave my rosery beads thou, i felt i had to leave something.
I think that people leave flowers so that they feel better and that they are doing something. I was born close to where this wee boy lived and so followed the story.

MarvellousMechanicalMouseOrgan · 19/01/2014 20:00

Empathy tips over into something else when people who have never met the deceased or their family proclaim themselves "devastated" by their death. I also wonder how we would cope with some kind of major world crisis when the word "devastated" is currently bandied around so freely.

Morgause · 19/01/2014 20:04

I can see communities mourning one of their own but I don't get mass grief. Never could understand the mass hysteria when Diana died, very unnerving.

yoniwherethesundontshine · 19/01/2014 20:04

I believe the whole community really rallied for him they feel part of it, they hoped to find him alive, that he had wandered out, I can totally understand that people want to leave flowers.

If a child on my road or near me had gone missing, we were looking out for that child too, I would also feel connected and if the news came sadly something had happened I would feel deeply upset, and also want to leave some flowers for the family and the child.

In a reverse way its the same when there is a town wedding and you see a crowd of strangers all smiling and chatting to see the bride, they do not know her but feel joy and happiness and so on....

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 19/01/2014 20:05

It's odd, but I almost feel it's a bit disrespectful. Like a sort of 'day out'. Probably stop for a coffee and cake on their way home.

I know I am being terribly unfair here, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was a grain of truth to what I am saying.

IamInvisible · 19/01/2014 20:06

lyingwitch as someone who knows a lady who was widowed by the Afghan war what you said happened in Wotton Bassett absolutely did not.

The fallen were flown into RAF Lyneham for a start. A lot of young men and women were in the crowds because the people who were killed were young, so it was their friends, family and often siblings.

Wrt to the recent case in Edinburgh I can understand why people are laying flowers and toys and leaving tributes. A lot of them will have been out searching, many would have got up expecting to search for yesterday, only to be told he was dead.

I feel it is up to each person how they react. I don't care if I offend people by public displays of emotion. I was sobbing in the street yesterday, two fingers to those who care because I don't!

Thatisall · 19/01/2014 20:06

I think in cases like this it isn't just a mark of mourning but a mark of solidarity and community. It's a large group of people who are shocked and in some sees a little ashamed that something terrible could go on in their neighbourhood wanting to not only pay their respects but show the world that 'they aren't all bad' iyswim.
Each to their own I think.

honestpointofview · 19/01/2014 20:06

Booty as the person responsible for the war comment I guess I should respond. You are right some people did respond very well 9/11 7/7. I am not sure however that everyone would in a major incident especially if that went on for a long time. I regularly see how people respond to stress ( I work in a position in an organisation employing 10's of thousands of employees.) People become stressed over issues very easily and end up of sick for months. I don't doubt that the vast majority are stressed; I just worry that they can not cope.

TakeYourPick · 19/01/2014 20:07

People can discuss their opinions on 'mass outpourings of public grief' all they like but mentioning a little boy who's body's barely cold is in extremely bad taste.
I live in Edinburgh and as far as I can see there are no 'mass outpourings', just locals paying their respects. May I suggest you exercise some yourself OP.

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 19/01/2014 20:07

Youthecat.... Bang on.

Bootycall · 19/01/2014 20:08

youTheCat

of course but conversely laying flowers and placing teddies is not the mark of a 'mawkish grief whore'

for us it was enormously comferting.

I just done understand the level of sneering at those who wish to do so. each to their own.

yoniwherethesundontshine · 19/01/2014 20:08

I think its great that people want to show they care too, its helpful to the grieving families.

shadowdancer · 19/01/2014 20:08

Yes, no doubt there will be some people who do this for the wrong reasons. But the majority just want to show some respect and try to give some comfort to the bereaved. Something truly horrific happened in my hometown and the amount of flowers laid and the hundreds of cuddly toys sent showed that, in a time of great darkness, there was actually a lot of goodness in the world.

ExitPursuedTheRoyalPrude · 19/01/2014 20:08

Controversial I know, but I wish people would remove their tributes before they go brown and mouldy.

LessMissAbs · 19/01/2014 20:09

I often think that too. I wonder whether its more to do with fitting in with a group than how much genuine emotion a person can feel for someone they have no connection with. Then again, I suppose it demonstrates caring feelings, even if it makes no difference to the outcome. But not everyone reacts in this way, and that doesn't mean that they are not equally upset to hear bad news.

It seems only a recent thing in British culture, since Princess Diana's death, almost a bit like more open shows of grief in other parts of the world, often shown on tv after terrible atrocities and acts of terrorism affecting parts of their very tightly knit community.

WitchWay · 19/01/2014 20:09

If we had another war we'd be fucked as some idiot would blab all over FB or twitter - so much for "Walls Have Ears" & all that - no-one can keep a secret for 30 seconds nowadays.

Anyway agree with boxofchocs about the day-tripper mentality

DrNick · 19/01/2014 20:10

oh i htink the Wooton bassett parades were perfect.
Stoic and British.
my parents went to one and said it was the most composed yet intensely moving thing ever

yoniwherethesundontshine · 19/01/2014 20:11

I think most would go out of a mark of respect.