AIBU to not "get" mass public mourning?

[BabyMummy29]

Thinking of the sad case of the little boy in Edinburgh at the moment, but on so many occasions nowadays people leave flowers, toys etc when they didn't even know the person concerned,

Wouldn't they be better spending the money on a donation to a charity.

I just don't get it at all. Fair enough if you knew the person involved. but not otherwise.

Doormat, some of you dont actually distinguish between the words grief and respect

That's interesting. To me, grief is personal, emotional, unpredictable and uncontrollable. Respect is dignified, kind and about others.

Grieving for other families you don't know most be exhausting for people who constantly do. I don't know how people have the energy for that tbh. Although it doesn't mean you can't feel sympathetic towards the family involved.

emotional frenzy ..nope i just find this extremely insensitive as it is aimed at a community where a 3 yr old was tragically killed

that community is now being disrespected because ppl dont get it

thankfully i live in a close community... i totally get it

You're wrong fortyplus the words grief whore and emotionally incontinent has been used, amongst others.

I think the nub of it is 'self centred', most of us know the difference between someone's sincere respects-paying and someone milking it for attention

I asked my DH yesterday while watching the news and seeing people laying floral tributes if I was a cold hearted cow for not getting why people do it.

I do understand the local community wanting to pay their respects especially if they had been involved in the search or knew the family.

The bit I don't understand is that tragically, children die everyday and yet it seems to be only the high profile deaths that attract these tributes from strangers.

Obviously if you knew the child or the family you would pay your respects but I would keep a respectful distance if something like this happened near my home and I wasn't personally known to the victim.

I did have a little cry to myself when the news came through about this poor little boy so I'm not made of stone.

I suppose the question could be asked, What good is having a little cry to oneself be? Not picking on your post as such Angels just you made me wonder why it's not seen as better to reach out and try to give comfort by showing you care.

I think it's valid to grieve in a way that you feel is acceptable and valid to you. we are all different. some people cry at sad TV programmes while others struggle to cry at a personal tragedy in their lives.

neither is wrong, neither is a mark of a lack of feeling or empathy and no one should judge or sneer or comment.

I work closely with relatives of the immediately deceased, one thing I've learnt I that everyone is different in their expression of grief. Anger, confusion, extreme emotion, what some would see as inappropriate humour and feeling completely numb are all normal responses.

In my opinion the public feel the need to do something in response to what is a horrifying situation. It's a big deal and that needs expressing. I personally have a quiet moment of reflection, some people want to do something more visible, who am I to say they're wrong. I get both sides of this.

I was one of Anthony Walker's teachers; he died as a result of a racist attack. I took flowers to the place where he'd died; I couldn't get out of the car because the press saw me coming and had their cameras shoved up against my windows. I drove to his house to leave them there and the same thing happened. I wanted to leave them to show that he was liked and loved by people who knew him and that we thought the attack was disgusting.

I can understand people who say the outpouring of grief by people who don't know them is odd, but in the case in Edinburgh, those were the people who tried to help find the little boy. They were involved. What else could they do but mark his passing with flowers?

The books of remembrance, if used by people who know the person are, I imagine, a source of comfort in the future to the family, but I really don't understand someone who didn't know the person or have any connection to them writing in them, ie in the case of Diana.

I think though that to be discussing this on a public forum just the day after a little boy has died is very, very distasteful.

I don't understand why so many people have to join in. It wasn't like this when I was young - & yes there was media coverage - it wasn't in the Dark Ages. There would be a few discreet bunches of flowers left by people who knew the deceased. People seem to wear their hearts on their sleeves & really get into everyone else's business now. All the "sleep tight precious angel" type messages as well from strangers who know nothing about what the person was like.

I don't know Sal- I suppose I'm just a bit repressed! I was the same when Diana died. I was genuinely upset as soon as I heard the news of her death. I sobbed privately at home watching the news.

I worked near St James's palace at the time and went to look at the floral tributes which were left out side Buckingham Palace.I think more to experience a moment in history than for any other reason.I kept my head down and suppressed my emotions. That week I walked past the long queues of people signing the book of condolence twice a day but never felt any need to join them.

It's different when it happens in your local area. It shouldn't be, rationally, but it is.
I felt quite meh about floral tributes, etc. before this case. But something about knowing it happened in your area, recognising all the familiar landscape on TV, in print. Knowing the school, the police station, the crime scene as intimately as you know your street makes it horribly personal.
Add in the involvement of a child losing life in your own locality that you have been very invested in finding, after all, no one wants to believe that anything bad can happen round here.
Then the worst.
It certainly feels different, you want to do something, anything. What is there other than attend a memorial service, or leave flowers? It's a mark of solidarity and respect and perhaps acceptance.

witch ithink because it has evolved..many communities years ago, when we were younger..operated on door to door collections from neighbours etc towards flowers ..you may not of knew about it but possibly your parents did

Agree with Pagwatch, Logg1ie and WitchWay particularly, amongst others.

It's about respect for the bereaved, the people who knew and loved the person. There won't be a single person who doesn't know about this poor boy who doesn't feel desperately sad for his family and community, not one. What they must be feeling right now, doesn't translate to words. Who knows whether the family would prefer to see public grief or wish to be left alone? I'd certainly prefer the latter.

I actually wonder whether some people feel they aren't showing 'respect' if they don't outwardly - and publicly - 'feel' and 'grieve'. It does seem like that to me. It's an observation, not a dig, it's about 'public outpouring' of everything, not specifically about this child.

I personally feel that the 'ownership' some people insist on taking of other people's losses is disrespectful, but they want to do it so they will, regardless.

It all seems a big waste of money to me but the florists and toy shops probably love it. Much better to give the money to charity where it can be of some use instead of being left to rot and chucked in landfill in a few weeks.

I don't think this most recent sad case has anything to do with Diana's death.

But what suddenly affects you and what doesn't so much can be quite unexpected.
I am sad that Mikaeel was not found alive, I have a 3 yo son, but I am not of the area. Maybe that is why I feel one degree of detachment.

I think the local community has been nothing but supportive and dignified and was quite rightly commended by the police involved.
Let people express whatever it is they are feeling. No need to be nasty about it or do something one is not comfortable with.

Witchway the police asked for the publics help in this case there was 100s and 100s of people out searching for this wee boy, hoping that they might have been the one to find him, those people went to bed thinking they were getting up to go out and search again and they woke up to the news this wee angel was dead,
There only marking there respect like civil human beings, granted laying flowers might not be everyone's cup of tea, but people should have a bit respect not to slag these people off for doing a good deed!

Yy I agree, there seems to be a perceived pressure to display mourning, just like there used to be a pressure to keep it private.

I find it distasteful, mawkish and attention-seeking. It's disrespectful to those who have been bereaved because it seeks to misappropriate their loss and undermines their grief.

But in the past, people drew their curtains when there had been a death in the street. They stopped still, silently, as a hearse drove past.

I've seen people overtaking hearses - I've seen them banging on their horn because they want them to hurry up.

Communities have always had ways of displaying grief and respect.

That's true too Pacific.

Give me mawkish anytime rather than that Imperial.