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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not "get" mass public mourning?

541 replies

BabyMummy29 · 19/01/2014 16:22

Thinking of the sad case of the little boy in Edinburgh at the moment, but on so many occasions nowadays people leave flowers, toys etc when they didn't even know the person concerned,

Wouldn't they be better spending the money on a donation to a charity.

I just don't get it at all. Fair enough if you knew the person involved. but not otherwise.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 19/01/2014 18:02

Why does everyone have to feel/emote in the same way as you, Doormat? Their feelings are no less valid.

DrNick · 19/01/2014 18:02

I agree Cat. IN fact some people caught up in high profile deaths must HATE it

squoosh · 19/01/2014 18:03

'Why does everyone have to feel/emote in the same way as you, Doormat? Their feelings are no less valid.'

Exactly.

And that goes both ways of course.

scaevola · 19/01/2014 18:04

People do feel the need to mark deaths that have a significance for them, even if the actual reason is unknown. The old fashioned way is signing a book of condolence or filing past the coffin or lighting a candle in a church. Leaving flowers, candles or other mementos at a spontaneous shrine is an extension of that.

I don't feel the urge to examine anyone's motivation for doing that. And can see strengths in communities showing fellow feeling.

(Through I do remember thinking at the time of the Princess of Wales that want was being created was actually London's biggest ever compost heap).

gordyslovesheep · 19/01/2014 18:04

Yes Doormat they would have been left by local people - that's quiet normal I think - it's more the nation need to publicly express how personally effected by a tragedy you are that grates

I also dislike the anger being directed at people who dare to not join in with the histrionics - this thread gives good examples of that

Sad things happen but we don't all need to bend over backwards being publicly distressed over them to care

WitchWay · 19/01/2014 18:05

doormat - I grieve privately. You know nothing about how I feel & what moves me or upsets me. I don't want to show other people - people I don't know that is - how I feel. What's wrong with that?

fluffyraggies · 19/01/2014 18:09

In the past a community was made up of families who stayed in the area for generations. More closeness and sense of community. Most of our modern communities however are made up of folk that are transient, or very busy, compared to in the past.

In the 'old days' people would go physically to the grieving family and pay respects - nowadays people don't know their nieighbours in the same way, and it isn't the done thing anymore.

Given the abundance of modern electronic means of communication it is ironic that feelings of isolation from the community are more common now than ever.

I like to think that the modern trend to have a place for every one to lay flowers, toy, or light a candle if they choose is a positive step back towards a feeling of closeness with the community.

doormat · 19/01/2014 18:10

why start up a thread knowing full well this is in response to seeing images on tv, media whatever of a 3 yr old lil boy who was tragically killed..

some of you are tryingvto equate this with diana...ya bang out of order

this thread stinks to high heaven and leaves a nasty taste in mouth...

this thread is about a community showing their respects for a 3yr old boy...remember that

Pagwatch · 19/01/2014 18:11

I was brought up to view grief as having a kind of ownership - you respected the loss of those who knew and loved the deceased but you never let your own feelings intrude because theirs were more important.
It's probably a very personal thing born of tradition and experience.

I remember a child dying at my dds nursery. When he was having his last (sadly pointless) operation another mother phoned the mum in tears.
She was waiting for her child to come out of the operating theatre and was forced to support another wailing parent. I find that odd but the other mum thought she was showing how much she cared.

WitchWay · 19/01/2014 18:12

Nothing wrong with showing respect agreed but it swiftly becomes a grief-fest which is self-perpetuating. I think a lot of people do it because they don't want to be outdone somehow. How many people would actually have known him?

Logg1e · 19/01/2014 18:13

YANBU.

Like others on this thread I too was in a similar position a few years ago. I hated the teddies and the candles and the cards. I hated, hated the twee, semi-religious messages of RIP (the deceased wasn't a catholic) and angels (the deceased wasn't religion) and thinking, "if you knew her, you'd know that she would have hated this". I hated seeing young children pushed through the tape to be sombre and sad and do it slowly for the cameras. I hated the fact that the family remained strong and dignified yet had to see total strangers crying and telling the reporters they were "devastated". Thank God that this was pre-Facebook.

God, it made me angry. Just felt so fake and plastic and self-centred.

I have never, ever admitted any of that before.

Bowlersarm · 19/01/2014 18:14

WitchWay there is nothing wrong with the way you grieve and whether you show you are upset or not. But why is it ok to castigate people who want to do it openly, and make some show of respect?

Logg1e · 19/01/2014 18:14

doormat, this thread is about a community showing their respects for a 3yr old boy...remember that

Respectfully, I disagree. It's about how people should show their respects and what that should look like.

SomethingkindaOod · 19/01/2014 18:15

Not publicly grieving does not make someone a cold hearted person (and knock off the Witch thing please), feeling unsettled by huge displays of public sympathy doesn't either.

Logg1e · 19/01/2014 18:15

Also, I support the use of poppies and public memorials. I think there is a collective and public debt of gratitude when it comes to the war dead.

Chivetalking · 19/01/2014 18:16

chivetalking you obviously never heard of hillsborough or jamie bulger

Of course I've heard of those. What a stupid comment Hmm.

There weren't "massive" diplays of public sympathy along the lines we see these days. Some locals, yes but not the hundreds who routinely seem to turn out these day. The national emphasis was heavily biased towards analysing what went wrong.

doormat · 19/01/2014 18:17

some of you dont actually distinguish between the words grief and respect

you grieve when someone you know dies ..
when its a member of your community its a mark of respect..thats all..not grief whoring or emotionally incontinent

are you emotionally incontinent on rememberance sunday ???

fortyplus · 19/01/2014 18:18

doormat you're not very understanding of other people's views, are you? I don't think anyone on here has directly criticised those who join in 'mass mourning'. You, on the other hand, are whipping yourself up into an emotional frenzy, which illustrates the point of the thread perfectly Wink

KatieScarlett2833 · 19/01/2014 18:18

The press coverage I have seen shows local people completely devastated that one of their own has been taken in upsetting circumstances. No mugging for the cameras, most people couldn't get away from the camera fast enough.
It's a mark of respect to leave a tribute and I find sneering comments about wanting to be on TV utterly reprehensible.
If you don't feel that way, that's fine, but others do. It harms no one and may be of benefit, as previous posters have stated.
Some of these people will have joined in the search, kept a look out for the child while going about their daily business, followed the news more intently than usual, may have known the family, etc.
And it turned out horribly.
Feel free not to understand, but the sneering is frankly disgusting.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/01/2014 18:19

I don't find public grieving wrong, its when people use it against you that its wrong.

There are people that when they die they will leave a hole in my life, I have never met them but they have been a part of bringing me joy for years. I will miss them when they pass but I won't vilify others for not doing the same.

Pagwatch · 19/01/2014 18:19

Logg1e
That's a great point.
It's the pressure to demonstrate grief that is uncomfortable for some now.

YouTheCat · 19/01/2014 18:19

I think it is more respectful to leave the families to their grief and not impose your own on them.

Bowlersarm · 19/01/2014 18:20

I think it's slightly different when there is a high profile case which is being followed by the news which doesn't yet have an outcome. Such as this poor little boy, the Soham girls, Sarah Payne.

When a child is missing it's inevitable people following the cases become emotionally a little drawn up in to it whether they want to or not, and become hopeful of a happy ending. When that doesn't happen, it makes people feel sadder than hearing about the death of a child in the first instance. It's emotionally more charged.

Pagwatch · 19/01/2014 18:21

Doormat
You are being astonishingly aggressive.
Other people feel differently

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 19/01/2014 18:22

I sort of get it........I think when something like this happens people feel they need to do something so I understand the leaving of flowers........very uncomfortable with the public displays of emotion tho.