AIBU to not "get" mass public mourning?

[BabyMummy29]

Thinking of the sad case of the little boy in Edinburgh at the moment, but on so many occasions nowadays people leave flowers, toys etc when they didn't even know the person concerned,

Wouldn't they be better spending the money on a donation to a charity.

I just don't get it at all. Fair enough if you knew the person involved. but not otherwise.

x posted with you DR Nick, might be on the same track

I too agree with a lot of what SGB said. I agree that certain strata in society are more likely to behave like this. A cousin of my mother's died recently & the family asked for flowers rather than charitable donations & were seen to be gloating over the size of the horrible & ostentatious floral tributes & comparing them to those on other graves. These people had to take out loans to afford the cost of everything, but appearance was all-consuming.

FudgeFace... You're talking about the local community, who HAD been searching for the boy, HAD been involved in trying to help. Nobody has said anything at all about the community grief which must be very raw right now.

It's the widespread, public hysterical 'grief' that is sticking in many people's craw. These are people that had no knowledge of the boy or the community prior to him going missing and being found dead, let alone investment in his life, they didn't know him. It doesn't stop anybody being sad, how could they not be, but this? This is not respectful to the family, friends or community.

I absolutely agree that 24 hour news has a lot to answer for. They fuel it.

BBC news were interviewing random strangers and asking them how they felt about that little boy's death. What the fuck were they expecting them to say? Turns out they were all horrified and saddened. There's a fucking surprise.

That's it again SinisterSal. If you're part of the community, you have an 'investment' there, you know the people, even if you didn't know the boy. You've had your community 'violated' almost and I think there's an instinct to almost 'close ranks' and protect those who are grief-stricken and to have randoms intruding on your community protection must be very upsetting indeed.

'It's the widespread, public hysterical 'grief' that is sticking in many people's craw. These are people that had no knowledge of the boy or the community prior to him going missing and being found dead, let alone investment in his life, they didn't know him. It doesn't stop anybody being sad, how could they not be, but this? This is not respectful to the family, friends or community.'

Absolutely agree with this.

When my mum died, there was an inquest about 6 months later that the local press decided to splatter all over their stupid front page - without permission. It was intrusive and horrible.

I blame media for many things.

Absolutely agree that 24hr news fuels it.

I think making it a class issue is a bit harsh - my family are very WC but very private about grief.

LyingWitch interestingly I always seem to hear birds singing or some other nature noise when the Remembrance silence is held - it reminds me that there is always life and hope. It's interesting how different people handle the silence. I often attend a Quaker meeting on the Sunday morning (I am a pacifist and like to honour peacekeepers on Remembrance Sunday, also 11/11 is St Martin's Day who is the patron saint of both soldiers and pacifists) and the silence is very fitting (Quaker meetings are held in silence).

YouTheCat... That's awful. I can't imagine how you must have felt.

Our media is out of control and has no barometer of decency anymore nor any concept of what is actually 'news'; the tabloids are just one pointless 'TakeABreak' magazine but on more easily recyclable paper.

LittleBabyPigsus... Perhaps where you live is several degrees warmer! I think perhaps our local birds shelter from the rain from October to May.

Agree that silence is a very fitting tribute which offends nobody.

LyingWhitch I respect your views but unless you were at Wooton Bassett that day because a loved one of yours had died, then with respect your feelings in this are as unimportant as mine.

I can assure you no relatives on that day that we saw and knew were offended. they led the clapping.

I definatly agree that 24 hour rolling news and coverage has brought issues and tragedies into our psyche in a way that wasn't possible before.

I remember in my dds case we were bombarded by sky reporters and the media to an almost frightening extent and then after about a week it stopped almost immediately.

dd did say 'noones interested in us now' but she was relieved too. it was absolutely surreal and unless you have experienced it you can't fathom it.

by comparison to the sometimes despicable behaviour of the media people leaving flowers etc was actually felt to be kind and supportive.

YouTheCat how horrible for you all.

LyingWhitch totally agree with your last post.

re the media.

I respect yours too, Bootycall. There were so many days...

I think it's rude and disrespectful. It is up to the family to decide about memorials not a bunch of over-emotional voyeurs. We're all sad when a child dies but the fact remains that one child dies every week at the hands of its parents.

indeed. horsetowater sad reminder of a dreadful statistic.

Applause at funeral corteges is just awful, hugely inappropriate. What on earth do people think they are applauding?

I wouldn't personally show my respect/mourning by leaving a tribute like flowers etc, as I see a charitable donation, or something discreet, as more practical and appropriate.

However, reading opinions on this thread has actually really helped me understand why people do choose to create memorials of teddies and offerings - and that their actions may well be a great comfort to those who are suffering and mourning.

I wrote a thank you note to a dead boy I never met. I have met his family, who set up a charity for him that gave us, and still does, support after our daughter died (he is gone now, too). Going to take flowers to his resting place next month on the anniversary of his death. His selflessness and thoght for other children with cancer means so many are supported, even in bereavement.

I light candles for dead children I never met, send their families cards on their birthdays and anniversaries.

People who never met my child visit her grave, leave flowers.

If that is mawkish and touristy I'd rather be that than a sneery, stirring, heartless wretch who thinks my child and those of my friends should be a private matter, swept under the rug, marginalised because their being dead makes the living uncomfortable. Well, they can fuck right off with that.

caitlin if you read my post you would see the hearse was that of an 18 year old soldier and his school friends numbering almost a hundred applauded. the family were extremely touched.

each to their own.

the only feelings that matter are the families in grief. not other people's thoughts in what is right or wrong.

expat says it all really.

SolidGold, your post is too sweeping and a little nasty but I actually know what you mean and where you are coming from, to a degree. It's not easy to get it across though.

My opinion is that I would not be taking any children still in buggies, or even older, to look for a lost child or to grieve at church or lay momentoes unless of course it was someone we knew or was a child from their school. I want to protect my children and just let them have details to a degree as obviously they see things all around in the media; need to know about safety etc but is it really healthy for young children to be getting dragged along to grieve a complete stranger.

I think sending cards to the families of children you've never met is incredibly intrusive and inappropriate, unless there's a link in some other way (eg know each other through a charity or website or something).

It's not about being heartless, it's about wanting some dignity for those who have died and not having their death turned into public entertainment. Respectful privacy is quite different from being swept under the rug.