AIBU to not "get" mass public mourning?

[BabyMummy29]

Thinking of the sad case of the little boy in Edinburgh at the moment, but on so many occasions nowadays people leave flowers, toys etc when they didn't even know the person concerned,

Wouldn't they be better spending the money on a donation to a charity.

I just don't get it at all. Fair enough if you knew the person involved. but not otherwise.

Um, Little, I know their families, usually the parents, from bereaved parent support groups. Having lost a child, I have become a pretty good judge of what is appropriate when it comes to the issue of child bereavement.

Yes! That's a good one, too. 'Respectful privacy' 'dignity in death' ( here's a little news flash for you: it NEVER is when it comes to children and young people), the top reasons given for the pressure so many of us feel to hide away our grief and children.

Another reason for questioning and criticizing griefwank (which, let's be clear, is not about the different ways in which the actually bereaved choose to mourn, but about all those people who never knew the deceased but choose to make some sort of public performance over the death) is that it's something manipulated by some sections of the media, in some cases with a really rather unpleasant agenda. Some surveys seem to suggest, for instance, that the majority of UK residents didn't really give a flying fuck about Diana, or at least felt nothing more than 'Oh dear, that's a bit sad, what's for dinner?' on hearing the news. But between Blair and Murdoch, there was some sort of agreement and mutual understanding that telling people they were devastated by the accidental death of a self-obsessed, massively indulged waste of space was going to be useful. Over about the past 20 years, there has been a lot of encouragement for the general public to feel, to be emotionally incontinent and not to think. Every minute of every day someone, somewhere, is dying a horrible or tragic death, yet the vast majority of these deaths are ignored by all but the bereaved. The media decides which deaths are 'special' enough to foster this kind of fuss, usually when there's a need to either distract the masses from something unrelated that's happening, or to whip them up into enough of a frenzy for some or other ill-advised and damaging new law to be passed.

Oh its lovely and not at all smug/ gloaty as suggested on here.

I also t hing that the applause thing is supposed to be a mark of respect but is hugely misjudged and ceass.

I guess in a way I feel sad about what has happened, but I am not in mourning or suffering from grief about it, it just hit a nasty spot where I realised that I was lucky to have my daughter still after she escaped the house in the middle of the night and wandered. Obviously it's not the same thing now more details are coming out, but for a while I was struck by how terrifying it must be to lose a child and not know where they were and whether they would come back.

If you knew the child, or were involved in the search, then perhaps it's not unreasonable, but otherwise I do find it a bit strange.

I have been taught though that if a hearse passes that you stand still and remove your hat if you are wearing one as a sign of respect to the family of the bereaved.

lol at hat

yes - in about 1932

Agree Fan - that is correct behaviour for hearses

SolidGB I think you make some valid points about the media

expat so you're not randomly sending / taking stuff to people you don't know because you (sadly) have a connection with them. I can understand that.

It's the jumping on the bandwagon impression I get from a lot of the hysterical behaviour that mystifies & irritates me. This urge to "share" all the time - what's it all about? It's as though folk can't think for themselves any longer - like a load of sheep

solidgold I'm shocked at your posts. I am so glad only a minority think like you. What a terrible way to view the world and untrue.

Each to their own.

you need to read her post again

With a user ID like Skullfucker, I'm astonished that her bluntly worded posts are capable of shocking you.

I think this thread has now run its course and although some posters are treating this as some sort if study into human nature, and I guess it is, others in here have actually lived through just this situation.

posters have shared their stories of loss, I agree with expat, where's the dignity in loosing a child? it's raw and visceral agony surely, please let's not say grief and raw emotion makes me uncomfortable so stop it.

SGB you seem to be in another agenda altogether and have made some very sweeping statements, personally I was very upset by Diana's death. I wasn't told to grieve Murdock and Blaire, I was sad that a young mother died. it was/is sad.

when people left tributes and flowers at the school following the accident dd was involved in it felt enormously comforting supportive and kind.

if you are the sort if person who can spin a nasty turn on any action then that's up to you.

I think it's better to perhaps see some bloody good feelings from the majority of people laying flowers.

What gets me twitchy is the lazy "my thoughts are with such-and-such during this sad time". Are they? Are they really? Or now you have updated your status, demonstrated what a compassionate and worthy human you are have you moved your thoughts back to speculation on who will be the latest Big Brother evictee? Yes, I'm looking at you, supposed close personal friend of Mandeba [rolleyes]

I can understand it when there is a connection. Eg after Hillsborough flowers and scarves were left at the Liverpool ground.

So many people could have been at that match, so many people knew someone who was there, so many people survived I think it was a case of 'it was luck it wasn't me or a friend/family' and obviously there were a lot of people for whom it was a friend or family member.

It's a case of not being able to do anything other than show respect and let those directly affected know you are thinking of them.

That I totally get.

And I agree that all those people in Edinburgh looking for a child will have feelings for him, how could you not?

But a total stranger, no I don't get it either OP

mate of mine has suffered a huge personal tragedy last week.
I am not laying flowers, I am supporting her.
Rather that than cellophane carnations any day

I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for people who went out lokking for Mkikael, even more so for those who ran to help the injured at the Clutha bar, not knowing what they might find what danger they were exposing themselves to.

However by contrast laying a bunch of flowers with a mawkish expression of grief for a stranger, seems relatively cheap and easy gesture to make. For clarity's sake I am not talking specifically about people who don't know the deceased.

I can't pretend to know what motivates people to do this, but i get annoyed when it is called grieving, as if the sadness they feel for the death of someone they've never met bares any resemblance to what those close to the deceased feel. As far as I am concerned you have no right to that word, I really don't care why people are making these public displays but don't claim you are mourning or are grief stricken, it really isn't the case.

I also resent the implication that people who don't immediately rush to the scene of the tragedy, teddy bear in hand to gawp at yhe scene of someone's death you are cold, unfeeling or disrespectful.

i bet the people who lay flowers are the first to tut and tell someone that she/he really should have got over it, or to judge when they have depression years later

AGree - its too easy

I don't think people who don't rush to put flowers down are cold and heartless and I also don't think people who lay flowers are grieving unless they know the person but this wee boy is getting flowers laid out of respect!

That's a supposition on your part wee that laying flowers = respect.

We can't know the motivation but there are other more ignoble reasons people are turning up with flowers in hand.

I have read every post in this thread as it's very personal to me DrNick as I assume SkullFucker has too.

I fundamentally disagree with SGB introducing the patronising elements of class and people being 'thick and stupid' to her posts. I have never disagreed with this particular poster before and respect her/his forthright views but not in this issue.

people can actually disagree you know without being instructed to 'read again' thus assuming if they do they will of course see the argument and agree. that's a bit patronising to be fair.

Fudge I don't know why they were saying drylaw either both in the same area but different schemes!!

Also when the news was talking about the sighting of a little boy running down pilton gardens towards the beach it's nowhere near the beach!!

that was to "skullfucker"

I did slightly object to you telling us that this thread had run its course, but I let it go

WeeLady yes.

ComposHat change grieving to a mark of kindness and respect maybe?

so glad I see the world and people differently.

DrNick your post is vile to be honest and from my personal experiences absolutely false and untrue.

pehaps you have experience of this to make judgments but guessing not.