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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my dd to be called a skid

185 replies

Thatisall · 18/01/2014 12:20

Not a thread about a thread but a thread about a term used on lots of threads in 'step parenting'.

I've never seen step children referred to as skids in any other place, but it seems that the step parenting board uses it quite frequently.

Like skid marks? A bit off poo left behind in pants when someone doesn't wipe properly. Nice. Is this an acceptable way to refer to anyone's children?

Dsc uses less letters so would be quicker, so why use skids? Is it a reflection on how you feel about your dsc?

AIBU to find this offensive?

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 18/01/2014 19:12

I think that on the step boards which I've occasionally looked at, they discourage using skids or bio-kids as they know it all goes a bit crazy when those words are used.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 18/01/2014 19:17

Well there is a simple answer to this

Get your child's sm on the phone or via email, and make it clear that if she is an mner, she is never to use the term SKid to refer to your child.
That way she will never be referred to as such.

Can't say the sm won't come on step parenting and say her DH exw is being a controlling nobhead and sending silly emails, but then you can't control what some people find offensive Wink

Thatisall · 18/01/2014 19:22

A controlling nobhead? thingsthat this is for you Biscuit

OP posts:
LukeAtMe · 18/01/2014 19:24

Silly Monet. Silly people who can't read abbreviations. Silly everyone.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 18/01/2014 19:26

Oo hit a nerve get given a biscuit.
At this rate I'll get rotten teefs and it'll do my diet no good at all either Smile

Thatisall · 18/01/2014 19:30

thingsthat. No not hit a nerve but I think you were trying to weren't you? Why?

Why did you create some weird scenario where I could email my dd sm making random statements about mumsnet? And then imply that I am a controlling nobhead for it? That thing....that I've only done in your head Hmm

I'm confused as to why you wanted me to feel bad? Be assured that I don't, the biscuit is because I wasn't quite sure how to respond to the weird post.

OP posts:
Monetbyhimself · 18/01/2014 19:31

I have a feeling, based on a few pm's, that the decent, empathetic, caring step mothers (and there are plenty of them on MN) are cringing at the responses on this thread from the select few defenders. OP, your work here is done Wink

Thatisall · 18/01/2014 19:36

Can I just say once and for all that this isn't and was never intended to be a step parent bashing thread. My sf was/is a twunt and I've said that I am a little Hmm about dd sm but that's mainly because her father has been fairly disinterested, it isn't really a reflection on her as u don't know her well. My own sm however has been a godsend. There are amazing step parents out there, many of whom it seems take a dislike to this word as much as I do.

I asked AIBU and I think most people don't want their children being called this too? Most not all.

Meh. Each to their own I suppose, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable Wine

OP posts:
Thatisall · 18/01/2014 19:36

I not u

OP posts:
Crowler · 18/01/2014 19:37

I don't like the word "skid", I think it's a bit coarse. I'm not professionally offended, by the way.

I use the word "kids" almost universally, when I hear the word "children" it reminds me of "what about the children?". It just feels cloying to me.

Different strokes for different folks.

BillyBanter · 18/01/2014 19:41

I was reading it as skids. but I'd never come across it before this thread.

Sallystyle · 18/01/2014 19:54

Hang on, what is wrong with bio kid?

needaholidaynow · 18/01/2014 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother · 18/01/2014 20:01

I responded to this very issue a little while ago when an OP had used the term "SKid" in a thread on the Stepparenting board. Rather than type it all out again, I've copied and pasted it (within the speech marks below) - at the risk of being burnt at the stake.

So shoot me - but please note that not all stepparents feel comfortable using the "DSC" abbreviation because it's not appropriate to their individual circumstances:

   " The OP has clearly written capital S, then capital K, then "ids" in her thread title - which, to most sensible people, would indicate that "S" is an abbreviation for something - in this case "step". Indeed, in her actual post she only writes "stepkids". Furthermore, the way she's written it, indicates that if (and it's unlikely) she were ever to speak it out loud she'd say "ess kids" as opposed to "skid", i.e. so there's no intention of any offence. 

I do understand though that she would probably get flamed. Sometimes I can't help but feel there's a certain sort of poster just waiting for a stepmum to put any sort of foot wrong just so they can be pounced upon hmm.

Personally, I don't find "skid" offensive - though to avoid all possible connection to dirty pants (if that's what some people want to imagine) - I'd be more than happy to use "SKid" - as the OP has done. Though I don't because I'd prefer not to be criticised for something which was never my intention. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I'd never used the term myself (except as an abbreviation) with any derogatory thoughts whatsoever. I do feel it's very different to a racist term like "Paki" .... you would need to have been living in a cave for a very long time not to realise that most people find that extremely offensive, and it's a term which is (sadly) often more or less spat out with scorn, disgust and aggression in the tone of those who still use it.

The "skid" term is one I have only ever seen written down within specific stepparenting forums (this one, and a couple of other, membership only forums). I have never heard it spoken in real life, would never use it in actual speech (because in real life you tend to refer to your stepchildren by their names so there's no need) and, most importantly, it is NOT, so far as I'm aware said with any implied negative intent .... it's simply a hell of a lot quicker to type than "stepchildren" is. Yes - some posters use "DSC" - but (at the risk of a thunderbolt dropping on me for being such a wicked stepmother) - some of us don't, I'm afraid, actually feel that our stepchildren are that "dear" to us and would therefore feel uncomfortable using that term. Some of us have been actively prevented from establishing a normal healthy relationship with those children, so don't really know them all that well. In other cases, the children themselves refuse to come to our homes - or even see their own parent - so again, "dear" might be inappropriate. Other stepparents have more serious reasons not to feel their stepchildren - at this present moment in time - are dear to them at all. It's wrong, IMO, to try to make all stepparents use an abbreviation that doesn't actually reflect the situation they're actually in. Unfortunately - not all of us have the "dear" blended family we'd ideally want!

Anyway - to protect myself I usually type out "step kid" now - but I'm afraid it does annoy me given I never intended any negative connotation previously in using a shorter abbreviation. Maybe it's how the word "skid" is used within your own family ? ..... it's not something I'd ever use, for example, to any child I was speaking to about ensuring they were careful with personal hygiene."

To elaborate, I never personally use "skid" in any sort of offensive or "nasty" context ... i.e. as an offensive term for stepchildren (as some people think), or, as a description for faecal stains. Which is probably why I see no negative connotation when used as an abbreviation for stepchildren. For example, if someone leaves my toilet dirty, I'll draw it to their attention by saying could they please check the loo before leaving as I noticed it was dirty and needs a squirt of bleach - I'd never say they'd left skidmarks. Similarly, if my kids had stained underwear, I'd have a quiet word and suggest they need to pay a little more attention to their personal hygiene with wet toilet wipes etc ..... again, I wouldn't state they had skids in their pants!

Oh ...... and my own oldest child is also a stepchild. If their stepmum referred to them as her "skid" ..... that's essss - kid, I wouldn't be offended in the slightest as it's not a term I see as offensive.

needaholidaynow · 18/01/2014 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crowler · 18/01/2014 20:04

It's just like anything, people's associations are different. I hear skid and I think of really horrible underwear comments. I would not suggest that people who call their stepkids "skids" have this in mind. It is just a term that doesn't play well to my ears.

LtEveDallas · 18/01/2014 20:05

See when people start saying things like that (ohh I've got FRIENDS and they PM me to say how horrible everyone else is. They do, they really do, I'm not making it up, HONEST)

It just reminds me of a school playground (and considering that my 8 year old knows that tattletelling is unkind and not allowed, makes me wonder about the poster that feels the need to use it)

catsmother · 18/01/2014 20:11

IMO, it's actions that speak louder than words. If my child's stepmum treated him unkindly I'd certainly have something to be offended and upset about. As she's never been unkind, I wouldn't mind her using a term I see as an abbreviation because I'd have no lingering doubt she intended to be derogatory .... on the other hand, if she called them an "idiot" (for example) then yes, the intention would be unequivocal, and so I'd be offended.

Similarly, as I've never been unkind to my stepchildren, why would I then intend any offence by my written use of the term "skid" (ess - kid) on a forum - and only ever on a forum ..... where neither they, nor I, can be identified ?

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/01/2014 20:17

But why not on here just use dsc - its even less effort to type that Skid? And the standard way of abbreviating on here?

And why would anyone use a phrase that they know offends people - I really, really don't get that.

JenBehavingBadly · 18/01/2014 20:25

Because it's a total non-problem, that's why.

In RL they won't call them a s-kid or a skid. They'll call the child by their name, or even a pet name. Hell, skid could always be a funny name shared between a step parent and the child.

That's because in the real world these things don't actually matter. The only thing that should matter is that both the parents and the step parents both work in a child's interest. An abbreviation on a website means nothing.

catsmother · 18/01/2014 20:27

Because, unfortunately, it's not appropriate to use DSC in every family. For all sorts of reasons. For example, there have been a number of stories related on the stepparent forum over the years where stepchildren have caused immense damage of one sort or another - and where it's therefore very unlikely their stepparent would feel comfortable about calling them "dear". In other families, stepchildren have refused to see their own parent for years on end .... there may well be one hell of a lot of background to that sort of situation, often involving alienation, lies etc., but nonetheless again it's not conducive to "dear". Or if there's been abusive behaviour from stepchildren towards resident children. Or criminal behaviour.

Extreme yes - but it happens. You cannot expect stepparents in those sorts of situations to be obliged to use "dear", you just can't.

And in the same vein, I've seen plenty of posts all over various boards on MN where different family members have been referred to simply as "M" (mother), "H" (husband), "P" (partner) etc., because circumstances mean they are not dear to the poster.

Agree with Needaholiday ....... "SKs", for stepkids should be acceptable.

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/01/2014 20:27

Well its not a non-problem for some people is it or the OP wouldn't have started a thread.

You think she's unreasonable, other people don't.

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/01/2014 20:30

Yes, then SK sounds fine. I would never want to be a step-parent, I think its an incredibly difficult role. I remember how hideous a stepchild I was Blush

catsmother · 18/01/2014 20:31

Yes Jen, in the real world I refer to my stepchildren by their names. Which I obviously can't do here, and besides which, would take longer to type than using an abbreviation !

JenBehavingBadly · 18/01/2014 20:34

MrsCampbellBlack.

I really hate the term 'OP'. I find it offensive that instead of calling someone by their NN they get called 'Original poster' I mean, it shows a massive disrespect that someone can't even use their real name.

Now I'm offended.

You've offended me.

:( :(