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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump someone over lack of job?

130 replies

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 16:51

Ive just started dating someone, who is rather artistic and is trying ( and failing) to earn a living from doing so.

Its too early for me to delve too deeply, but it seems money comes from gigs, functions and the odd bit of music teaching. He works in a shop one day a week.

This year he said hes really going to push it, last year he didnt. I dont understand how he affords to live, and while its none of my business its bothering me somewhat.

Ive been asking round about questions, like what hes been up to since i last saw him. The answer is ' not much' nothing that would have earnt him any money.

Im poor, im not juding him for that, its not about money, and i like him and his company but im finding it hard to reconcile in my own head and wondering how he gets away with it, because he cant be on benefits else he would be forced to work...

Do i give him a few dates more? or is it not important? or do i just dump?

OP posts:
PumpkinPositive · 16/01/2014 16:54

Perhaps he has inherited income? But yes, I think for both your sakes, you shouldn't pursue this relationship.

squeakytoy · 16/01/2014 16:54

why not try talking to him?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 16/01/2014 16:57

I know a few people like this. They're creative and hate to be boxed in.

If you really like him then it won't matter. You can't change him. But if your gut is telling you he's not for you then follow it.

Objection · 16/01/2014 16:57

Good for him. I think you should be attracted more to his passion and his desire to work in a job he loves than the fact that he hasn't got a "real" job.

If you like him and his company then whats the problem?

Objection · 16/01/2014 16:58

(but i wouldn't want to date someone who felt this way about me, so i don't think its a great relationship - but not because of him IYSWIM)

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2014 16:59

Dump

WilsonFrickett · 16/01/2014 17:00

Well obviously he is 'earning a living' because he, you know, lives.

Whether his level of material ambition is compatible with yours is another story though. I do agree about going with your gut - if you are mismatched in this area then you'll always have problems as a couple I think.

BillyBanter · 16/01/2014 17:00

you can finish with someone for whatever reason you like. It sounds like you have very different attitudes in this area which are only going to bother you more as time goes on.

CoffeeTea103 · 16/01/2014 17:01

It's great that he has a passion which he follows but realistically if he intends on having a family what would be his plans for stability.

Yanbu, if you are getting serious with this guy to find out where he Is headed. No point on going on with this guy if he plans to live through gigs.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:02

talk to him and say what?
Ive tried to ask around it, hes told me hes not got much money at the moment and its a very unstable life doing what he does.
Which is fine and all, But i just dont understand it really.

OP posts:
Poloholo · 16/01/2014 17:04

Well, I think it depends what you're looking for. If you want a life partner to settle down with and be the father to your children then it isn't an ethos that I'd be comfortable with unless he would be willing to step up to the plate without resentment. But would be worth probing further.

Alternatively if you're just looking for someone fun to go out with then not really an issue.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:05

I am attracted to him. Im not attracted to the fact he lives on toast and doesnt even own a saucepan.

Im just really torn.

Tomorrow hes on local radio ( not earning any money) and then teaching a friend ( earning maybe £10) while ive got to get up at 6:15am and go to work for the day.

Im also confused, because if hes on benefits, surely he would have to be looking for work? which he isnt and hasnt done for a long while.

OP posts:
PumpkinPositive · 16/01/2014 17:07

What is there to understand? Confused He has an unstable and erotic income due to the career he is trying to pursue. He supplements this unstable income by working part time in a shop. Probably he saves the money he earns from commissions and lives frugally when 'resting.' Presumably he doesn't have a dozen mouths to feed?

Or do you suspect he's a drug dealer? Hmm

PumpkinPositive · 16/01/2014 17:08

"erOtic income"

Mia culpa. Grin

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:09

He only works one day in a shop, thats not enough money for a houseshare, to run a car, and to pay all bills. Its just not.

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 16/01/2014 17:09

"erotic income" - gosh, I hope not!

Some people are just like this. But I agree with everyone else, it doesn't sound like you'd be compatible long term.

IneedAwittierNickname · 16/01/2014 17:12

Erotic income Grin

I'd date someone who was unemployed, as long as they were actively seeking work and had drive and ambition to improve their situation.

I woukdnt want to date someone with no ambition, who didn't want a job, or didn't want a better job. Probably unfair of me, but my ex moaned about his crap nmw wage job, but wasn't prepared to do anything about getting a better one.

EirikurNoromaour · 16/01/2014 17:13

It's not a work ethic that I could live with in a partner, so I'd say yanbu.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:16

I think its that i just dont understand it.

Yes, id like to lie in till 10 every day, pop and see a friend to talk about acting, go home, watch some tv, practice in a mirror and then go to bed.

But i dont, because, well. I have bills to pay.

OP posts:
ApprenticeViper · 16/01/2014 17:16

He could be on ESA (he could be allowed to earn up to £99.50 per week depending on certain criteria, and wouldn't have to be actively looking for work as he would with JSA), his parents or another relative might support him, he could have inherited money (although this wouldn't explain him living on toast and not owning a saucepan, which incidentally would drive me barmy!); there are loads of reasons why he doesn't seem to earn much.

If I were you, I would be asking him why this year is the year he is going to "push it", and what were his reasons for not doing so last year. Or if he did "push it" last year, and didn't get very far, why does he feel that this year will be any different, and does he have a timescale in his head for getting a "regular" job if this year doesn't go according to plan, or next year, or the year after?

Maybe his erotic income as alluded to by PumpkinPositive is paying the bills! Wink

Bogeyface · 16/01/2014 17:20

I have a friend who is a musician and sounds very much like this man, except he doesnt work in a shop!

I honestly dont know how he manages sometimes, but he would never take a proper job, ever. He gigs regularly which helps and does have some regular teaching too, but if you knew what he lived on and considered a "good" income, you would fall through the floor :o

He is creative, he will never get what you consider to be a proper job and will never be (unless he is v v v lucky) a high earner. If that isnt for you then I suggest you say so now, rather than getting in further and risking hurt for both of you.

Thetallesttower · 16/01/2014 17:20

It sounds like your lifestyles are incompatible, so what is there to continue? You aren't going to support his goals and think he's a bit of a waster. Some people do like to drift a bit through life and are prepared to eat toast to do so. He may well be claiming some benefits though, you can claim as self-employed but you do have to work a certain amount of hours a week, they don't check though, I know at least one person who does a minimal amount just enough to afford toast

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/01/2014 17:26

And they say romance is dead Hmm

You are an adult and can surely decide on your own relationship. If having a man earning money matters to you, then find somebody else and let him find somebody that wants him for him not his money.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:27

whats ESA?

He said he wont ever do a ' real' job. Last year he said he just bumed around only doing open mike stuff. He was just out of a band and now hes going to push his solo stuff. He isnt signed but is working with a local label ( who dont sign anyone, just support).

He had a few gigs coming up, but local pubs dont pay more than £50 a night to the whole band ( know this as i know a few people in bands) and that has to be split between the band. Its not enough to live on.

I like him, we have fun, so from that side id like to continue. BUT, im not in a postion where i can support anyone, and dont want to either.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 16/01/2014 17:29

Maybe you should report him to the Daily Mail.

Seriously just split up with him. He can do better than someone who looks down on him and resents him.