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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dump someone over lack of job?

130 replies

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 16:51

Ive just started dating someone, who is rather artistic and is trying ( and failing) to earn a living from doing so.

Its too early for me to delve too deeply, but it seems money comes from gigs, functions and the odd bit of music teaching. He works in a shop one day a week.

This year he said hes really going to push it, last year he didnt. I dont understand how he affords to live, and while its none of my business its bothering me somewhat.

Ive been asking round about questions, like what hes been up to since i last saw him. The answer is ' not much' nothing that would have earnt him any money.

Im poor, im not juding him for that, its not about money, and i like him and his company but im finding it hard to reconcile in my own head and wondering how he gets away with it, because he cant be on benefits else he would be forced to work...

Do i give him a few dates more? or is it not important? or do i just dump?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 16/01/2014 17:29

His whole attitude to working sounds like a teenager who just wants odd jobs during the vacation to keep him busy. Why go on with him, he's giving you the picture of what to expect further down the line.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:32

happymummy, its not about money or lack off, Im not money grabbing at all. But i dont want to be left supporting someone on a fruitless quest, while i go out and work. I dont think thats too much to ask.

I dont want to get up with him here, eating my food, using my heating, hot water etc, and not contributing. I cant afford that, im a lone parent and i would resent that.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 16/01/2014 17:34

I understand some people are happier living like he does than the rest of us who do have to work 9-5 (or other regular hours) but I couldn't live with the instability personally. YANBU to dump him if your outlooks are very different. He doesn't own a saucepan? What kind of man child is this?

MooncupGoddess · 16/01/2014 17:34

Tbh with that lifestyle he's probably not looking for a wife and mortgage.

If the company/sex is good then why not just keep the relationship at a casual level? And make sure he contributes if staying with you regularly.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 16/01/2014 17:35

Could he have a hidden illness and be on invalidity?

Have you only had one date? You seem to be looking into this a bit much if so?

Do you have dcs or are you planning to have any, or any more?

akachan · 16/01/2014 17:35

My DH is an artist and has never really earned any money. If you don't like it end it because it is extremely unlikely to change.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 16/01/2014 17:36

Sorry just saw you've been dating him so not just one date.

PatsysPyjamas · 16/01/2014 17:36

If he is self-employed then he is probably living on toast this week whether that is normal or not. Our taxes have to be paid on 31st Jan.

It is possible he earns money in short bursts. Workshops, commissions, residencies and teaching can all pay reasonably well and there is a lot of fallow time in between which might make it look like he's doing nothing. But you don't really get that type of work unless you are also doing lots of creating, which doesn't earn you an income and could look wasteful to the outside. He may also have a grant to fund his work.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 16/01/2014 17:37

Oh and make sure he isn't a cocklodger if you do keep seeing him.

ApprenticeViper · 16/01/2014 17:37

ESA is Employment and Support Allowance - it replaced Incapacity Benefit and, in some cases, Income Support.

If you like him as a person, that's great - carry on as you are. If he's not asking you to support him, and hasn't so much as hinted that you might need to if things got serious between you, then I wouldn't worry about it yet.

You've said you've only just started seeing him, so who pays when you go on dates? If he can afford his share, then I don't see an issue at the moment Smile

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:38

i dont resent him, i dont know him well enough to.

Im confused as to what to do.
I wasnt sure of his sitation, so today asked what hes done since ive seen him last.
Hes done one local radio thing ( for free)
Planned a singing lesson group thats coming up in a few weeks.
Played football and had a beer.
Put up a shelf.
He was meant to do some production work ( in his room) but didnt get round to it.

Thats all. His said its quite isolating as he doesnt go out much.

ive worked 4 days this week, done shopping, house work, dog walking, been out for dinner, seen friends one evening.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 16/01/2014 17:38

happymummy, its not about money or lack off, Im not money grabbing at all. But i dont want to be left supporting someone on a fruitless quest, while i go out and work. I dont think thats too much to ask.

I dont want to get up with him here, eating my food, using my heating, hot water etc, and not contributing. I cant afford that, im a lone parent and i would resent that.

Then don't go out with a poor musician.

elastamum · 16/01/2014 17:39

If you want to have a happy long term relationship, then you need to want the same things and have compatable views on life. Otherwise, once the passion has worn off there isnt much to get you through the tough times.

I lived with an artistic man child (writer) in my 20s and 30s. And whilst we had fun at the time, I'm really glad we never went on to have a family together.

Maybe he just isnt for you. Smile

WeShouldOpenABar · 16/01/2014 17:40

When I got with my DP he was jobless I didn't consider once breaking up with him, I love him not his earnings potential . However we wouldn't have moved in together if he hadn't gotten a job so if you were planning to merge lives id day think about it but you're still getting to know him I think its a decision for later

Earlybird · 16/01/2014 17:41

How old is he? It's one thing to be a starving artist and chasing a dream at 22, quite another if he's pushing 40.

I think you need to think about what you want in life. If you are clear that you want a family/home, perhaps someone who is such a 'free spirit' is not the best prospect.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:42

We are taking it in turns, but doing very cheap stuff on dates. I felt bad as he paid for coffee and cake which wa £15 and hes living off toast.
Makes me feel guilty

OP posts:
SinisterBuggyMonth · 16/01/2014 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:44

He is mid 30's.
I agree, not an issue so much if early 20's but when you are a bit older.......

I have a family of my own, which is why maybe this is of more concern to me. If i was younger and responsibility free it wouldnt even register.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 16/01/2014 17:45

It doesn't sound too promising. Nevertheless I expect a lot of successful artists, musicians, actors and so on have started off in this way. He certainly doesn't seem the type to want to settle down to a nine to five job any time soon.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 17:48

I dont disapprove of him, i like him, i like his company.

What i dont want to happen is, at some point down the line, he ends up round here all the time, with me funding everything. I cannot afford that. My money only just supports DD and i.

I dated someone a while back that did that. He had money, just didnt contribute. He didnt ever live with me, but ended up round mine a lot, eating and drinking for free, using my petrol etc. I used to ask for a contribution which he never gave and after a few months i had to dump him.

I think some posters are misunderstanding me, i dont care what job anyone has, but they should be earning enough to live, or at least be trying to.

OP posts:
DameDeepRedBetty · 16/01/2014 17:49

I know a couple of people who live like this - one is the father of my dnephew. But he's doing it on a bit of trust fund money, and an inherited house, it's not a great deal but enough to let him faff about recording and performing when he feels like it, and doing the odd bit of work for cash occasionally. It just about works for him and dsis.

DameDeepRedBetty · 16/01/2014 17:51

If you fancy him rotten and the sex is good, keep seeing him - just don't let him cock-lodge.

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2014 17:53

Just dump.

Mid thirties and living of toast?

Loser.

LessMissAbs · 16/01/2014 17:57

YANBU. In the real world (as opposed to the mumsnet world, where you are meant to marry the first man who smiles at you then wake up astonished 10 years later proclaiming him a cocklodger), few women are attracted to unemployed mid 30s men. Its very off putting. Maybe I'd feel differently if I was unemployed with no ambition myself, but I generally look for someone who's my equal in terms of attitude to work, motivation and ambition, as these are quite fundamental things in terms of compatability in a relationship.

To be fair, I feel the same way about women who go through life without equipping themselves with any method of earning a living.

I would argue that he isn't actually a musician either, as he doesn't devote enough time and effort to it.

ilovesooty · 16/01/2014 18:01

I suggest you stop wasting his time and yours and look to date someone who shares your values.

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