To dump someone over lack of job?

[nowoodenspoon]

Ive just started dating someone, who is rather artistic and is trying ( and failing) to earn a living from doing so.

Its too early for me to delve too deeply, but it seems money comes from gigs, functions and the odd bit of music teaching. He works in a shop one day a week.

This year he said hes really going to push it, last year he didnt. I dont understand how he affords to live, and while its none of my business its bothering me somewhat.

Ive been asking round about questions, like what hes been up to since i last saw him. The answer is ' not much' nothing that would have earnt him any money.

Im poor, im not juding him for that, its not about money, and i like him and his company but im finding it hard to reconcile in my own head and wondering how he gets away with it, because he cant be on benefits else he would be forced to work...

Do i give him a few dates more? or is it not important? or do i just dump?

I did say why didnt he learn and he said everyone says that to him, but it takes ages to cook a meal ( i did correct him) and then he wont know if he fancies it or not.

Well, it could be that he's a complete loser and potential cocklodger, OR he could be a talented creative who has made conscious choices to live a certain way and will accept the downsides of that. Hard to tell from what you've written. But either way, it doesn't seem to float your boat. So dump.

If you don't understand someone who has decided not to live the kind of life you live, and this fact actually troubles you, there's not much more to say really.

I think you should end it if you would like the relationship ever to go further because how will you ever settle down and buy a house/have kids with him (if that is what you want)?

It always amuses me that types like him refuse to get a f/t job or one that's almost f/t on the basis it would stop them fulfilling their dreams. Newsflash - you can still work on your dreams whilst working at Tesco or somewhere.

Get rid of this lazy manchild and find yourself a real man.

A man who lives on toast is not sounding like a man who has a passion for life.

Dump him.

Don't get serious about this one I'd say

Cocklodger

Ignore people telling you you're being materialistic and not suitably 'romantic' and 'idealistic' and 'understanding' of him and his ways/foibles.

Your internal radar is telling you something. You can heed it or ignore it.

This man is entitled to live any which way he chooses, within the law. You are entitled to not find that compatible with long-term domestic bliss.

A man who lives on toast is not sounding like a man who has a passion for life.

Bumper-sticker it.

I just can't imagine a romantic meal followed by a night of passion with a man who's culinary repertoire is toast.

I think the cocklodger comments are a bit off he isn't asking the op to support him. He just has different work/financial priorities. If she doesn't want to date him, all well and good but there's no need to be abusive because he lives a lifestyle some posters don't chose to live.

He's not lied to anyone or claimed to be s high paid exec (and presumably) has no dependents to support.

FFS! Either enjoy this man's company in the knowledge that you can simply refuse to lend him money or let him move in, or bin him and move on. A man can't cocklodge with you unless you let him.

I think you are probably overthinking the whole business because you have had a cocklodger in the past, but do bear in mind that it's not compulsory to progress from dating someone to living with them. If you are desperate to find a new father for your DC, look elsewhere. If you are happy with a casual kind of relationship with a man who is pleasant company and/or a good shag, enjoy that for what it is and lose the idea that you need - or have any right - to pressure him into changing to conform to your idea of how people ought to live.

You are coming across as resentful - not saying that to be mean, just it's coming across in your posts. Do you have a talent you're not using?

Some people have talent at a certain thing, and like anything creative it's a gamble to follow it to make it into a profession that pays. He's obviously willing to follow it, so let him do so, and tbh he sounds like he's not doing too badly if he's on local radio and working with a local label. How old is he? He sounds brave - be his friend and go date someone else.

Whoa, mid-thirties? Okay, ignore (almost) everything I just said - I thought he was trying to establish himself as a young 'un. He sounds really immature. Really sweet, but as you say not as a partner in life. YANBU

YANBU. He sounds like a layabout with pretensions.

Mid thirties who puts up one shelf, living on toast hmmmmm . He needs to up his game really.

Loser. Dump.

Well......you can imagine how it might go: he'll get sick/burgled/something else and won't be able to pay his rent or maybe can't afford to eat. You'll loan him money (which he'll never repay), or maybe he'll move in with you for a few weeks 'until he gets back on his feet'. He'll see your cozy home, eat your good (hot!) food, have sex available whenever he wants it, and will decide life is pretty good with you making it all happen for him. You'll have deep feelings for him by that time, and won't be able to bear seeing him suffer.

And then you'll be in a real mess.....

He sounds like a charming, charismatic, lazy, dreamer. Move on.

Uh, he doesn't know if he wants to learn to cook in his 30s?

DP and I are both very lazy about the house (we get beyond clutter and into chaos very easily). We can both cook bloody well though. In the past when we were poorer, the ability to make a tasty dinner in 30 mins based on tinned beans and maybe an onion was very useful. He sounds like a man child.

I have good friends who are struggling artists. They might have the income of students but they don't live like students. They cook, they clean, they make the best life they can with limited funds. They work damned hard, and understand that to a degree they are poorer than the rest of our friendship group 'by choice', so they take every opportunity to use their talent to earn a living. This guy doesn't sound like that. He sounds apathetic & that would grate on me more than the lack of significant income.

Solidgold, that is THE answer.

Toast is my favourite food...

He sounds a bit flakey. Depends what you want out of the relationship. If your long term plan involves settling down and having a family, then yes, break it off. You would be wasting your time.

Big difference between an artist with a passion for life and their art - but still struggling to make money that way.... and a bloke who sits around, doing nothing apart from odd gigs and eating toast.

Yet another gold-digging woman women thread. If he hasn't got enough money for you (and this applies to women generally, not just the OP) then finish with him. He'll eventually find a woman who wants him for him, not his money. Of course you like to convince yourselves that hard work, drive and ambition are essential qualities in a man. But men know (and you do, deep down) that if a rich man who didn't work etc was interested, you'd be in there like a shot. But be careful, dating a wealthy man isn't always the nirvana that gold-diggers imagine, as many such men will want their money's worth!