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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dump someone over lack of job?

130 replies

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 16:51

Ive just started dating someone, who is rather artistic and is trying ( and failing) to earn a living from doing so.

Its too early for me to delve too deeply, but it seems money comes from gigs, functions and the odd bit of music teaching. He works in a shop one day a week.

This year he said hes really going to push it, last year he didnt. I dont understand how he affords to live, and while its none of my business its bothering me somewhat.

Ive been asking round about questions, like what hes been up to since i last saw him. The answer is ' not much' nothing that would have earnt him any money.

Im poor, im not juding him for that, its not about money, and i like him and his company but im finding it hard to reconcile in my own head and wondering how he gets away with it, because he cant be on benefits else he would be forced to work...

Do i give him a few dates more? or is it not important? or do i just dump?

OP posts:

ApprenticeViper · 16/01/2014 18:01

"he paid for coffee and cake which wa £15 and hes living off toast.
Makes me feel guilty"

You certainly shouldn't feel guilty! If he hasn't got any money it is absolutely not your fault. I assume he either suggested the coffee and cake or agreed to your suggestion? He's an adult - he could have said no due to very limited funds, and suggested a flask of coffee and a walk in the park. It's not like you wanted him to pay for afternoon tea at Claridges for the pair of you

Does he know anything about your income? He could have won the lottery and just be biding his time until he knows you're not a gold-digger, and this struggling musician image is just a front

schokolade · 16/01/2014 18:02

I get where you're coming from OP. My BIL is a bit like this, and I just don't understand how it works either. I've heard him telling people to just quit their job because of a minor squabble with a coworker, etc. Lovely ideaology, but HOW is he paying for his rent and food etc?!

Seems like we are of a similar mind set, and if it was me I would finish the relationship. All very well for people to say romance is dead, are you a money grabber and so on. But, back in reality, these things actually do matter.

Back2Two · 16/01/2014 18:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

chrome100 · 16/01/2014 18:13

I briefly dated someone who was long term unemployed and lived off benefits. I wouldn't mind but he made NO effort to get a job, constantly moaned about the division betwee rich and poor and asked to borrow money off me whilst at the same time telling me I was "greedy" for going out to work and that I only cared about money. It didn't last.

Original poster

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 18:13

He knows i work and im on my own, thats about it. The struggling image is back up by various social media, so i assume its true :)

He shares the same values in lots of ways, just not work. But lots of his social circle seem to be the same as him, so i guess its not so odd.

Ive always worked, my career might not be where it was heading, due to circumstance, but i still work.

I dont care how much money people have, but equally whom ever im dating needs to be able to afford to eat properly etc.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 16/01/2014 18:17

YANBU.

He sounds like a great choice for a casual shag, but realistically there won't be any long-term future in it unless you're willing to fund his "creative" lifestyle.

Hermione123 · 16/01/2014 18:18

I completely agree with your concerns, especially given your past experiences. It's not unreasonable to expect a person in their 30s to have some means of support, it'd be a red flag for me. If you had no dc and a similarly loafy attitude to life it'd be fine.

BohemianGirl · 16/01/2014 18:19

Apathy. It is such an unattractive trait. So is starving in a garret for your art.

dump

Back2Two · 16/01/2014 18:20

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This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

PipkinsPal · 16/01/2014 18:22

I was married for 12 years to someone who was constantly in and out of jobs. Mainly out. He didn't claim benefits because he said "I earned too much". He would spend his day cycling for miles. He called it training but didn't train for any races. In the summer he would sit in the garden sunbathing, after a ride. When he was in jobs he would then purchase an expensive bicycle or motorbike which he would then sell when he was out of work. We never went on holidays and he never did the housework apart from the odd bit of hovering or mowing the lawn. It was constantly draining as I worked full-time and did the food shopping cooking, the housework and paid all the bills. I would say you should get out of this relationship whilst you can or you will be a constant carer to him whilst he just faffs about. You will get resentful, lose respect for him and any love you have just as I did. Been divorced 10 years and it was the best thing I did.

ApprenticeViper · 16/01/2014 18:26

If he can't afford to eat properly that's one thing. If he can afford it but chooses not to that's completely different.

You seem to just be waiting for him to start asking to borrow money, to come to stay at yours for a couple of days "because my place is freezing and I can't afford the heating on", to ask you to cook him a nice hot dinner, etc., which is reasonable considering your ex-cocklodger. But until this guy does ask for something, I'd keep your red flags firmly furled

Original poster

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 18:28

:) its early days and we are no where near that point, not even ' officical' yet.

However, i do know a few women like that pipkins, and i dont want to end up like that.

Im quite happy on my own, have been for a while, and while i might like a relationship, its not the be all and end all.

OP posts:

SpottyDottie · 16/01/2014 18:29

You may like him but you're going on cheap dates because a) he can't be arsed to find a job and b) you sound like you don't want to subsidise him.which you shouldn't! He's an adult and should be supporting himself.

I can't see this relationship going anywhere....

akachan · 16/01/2014 18:32

I'm going to stick up for artistic dreamers - I love mine and we are trying to start a family! I earn all the money but he brings lots of other things to the relationship, not sure what a cocklodger is? He could be one.

Original poster

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 18:35

akachan, thats all very well. but when you have children to feed and clothe you might feel a little bit different.

If i was 22 it would be different, but im not. Life costs, housing, food, etc etc, I dont understand someone who has decided to opt out of all that.

He has said about hot meals he said hes not eaten a proper meal in months and months and he doesnt know how to cook.
I am not offering at this point.

OP posts:

akachan · 16/01/2014 18:37

It's not for everyone and I have no idea how similar our situations are to be fair. I hope I won't feel different when (if) we have children, I plan to return to work and he can stay at home - it's not particularly unusual for one half of a couple not to work.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2014 18:39

I'm a vote for don't date musicians. Either unsuccessful and poor or successful and arrogant; cheating; always away on tour; expecting applause for washing up because they get cheered doing their job daily.

BTW all the successful musicians I have known (a lot) were grafters. They gigged and taught and practiced and worked all hours with producers and for record companies to get their foot in the door. None sat around waiting for success to come knocking, particularly in their 30s.

Original poster

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 18:40

Then id hes staying at home and doing the childcare and housework, that will be different.
You are working together.
I dont see how me and this man can ever be equal seeing as i have a ton of responsibilites and he cant even do a days work.

A cocklodger is man who brings nothing to the relationship, but expects everything.

OP posts:

akachan · 16/01/2014 18:42

Ah ok, he does housework and things. I agree, you shouldn't be responsible for everything.

Would a woman who brings nothing be a cuntlodger?

Original poster

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 18:43

mrs pratchette, i know. One of his bands was ' getting there' but they couldnt hold it together. Hes not done much since they disbanded a year ago.

Hes a nice chap, i do like him, but i think its possibly too much for me.

OP posts:

TakeYourPick · 16/01/2014 18:46

I know plenty men like this, they call themselves musicians, I've dated a few. Most of them are in their 40's now and still live like this. Apart from anything else they are all incredibly self absorbed. Run a mile and whatever you do don't get pregnant by him < bitter experience>.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 16/01/2014 18:47

If i was 22 it would be different, but im not. Life costs, housing, food, etc etc, I dont understand someone who has decided to opt out of all that.

Sounds like you have an answer.

I think that I would do the same.

It's a shame as he sounds like a lovely chap but you have a child and he doesn't sound like step dad material.

NearTheWindmill · 16/01/2014 18:49

Ooh err OP. This resonates.

I my early 20s ( he was too) I dated a lovely chap who was a struggling young actor and script writer. I thought he really needed a proper job and to have some stability and after a couple of months I backed off. Had he been the "right" one I suppose I wouldn't have. His characters are now a household mame but that's OK because I waited and met Mr Right.

On the other side of the coin SIL and her husband are artists. They are perpetually skint and SIL never stops moaning about hjow tough things are. Neither of them have ever earned a proper income. That would be fine if eoither seemed happy but they don't. At 50+ neither have sold a painting for more than 50 quid and neither seem that happyu but something in them just won't get a proper payting job, even though their DC go without unless MIL or DH stump up.

It doesn't sound a runner tbh because you don't seem to to love him enough to tolerate being skint. SIL and BIL hjave been togethjer for 25 years - not my cup of tea but it seems to work for them. SIL moans but I don't think she had any doubts about him and her mindset is the same.

Time to move on imo OP.

Original poster

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 18:56

i dont love him. lol. its early days
Im just not sure if i should cut and run, or leave it a bit

Hes sweet, he opens doors for me and stuff, we both laugh a lot, hes very tactile.

But.

OP posts:

harticus · 16/01/2014 18:58

Dump him - not because of the musician thing but because he sounds like a bit of a lazy dick.
Not had a "proper meal for months"? Oh FFS.
I have spend my entire life surrounded by professional musicians and actors and writers - they work their arses off to make a few quid wherever they can.

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