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Original poster

To dump someone over lack of job?

130 replies

nowoodenspoon · 16/01/2014 16:51

Ive just started dating someone, who is rather artistic and is trying ( and failing) to earn a living from doing so.

Its too early for me to delve too deeply, but it seems money comes from gigs, functions and the odd bit of music teaching. He works in a shop one day a week.

This year he said hes really going to push it, last year he didnt. I dont understand how he affords to live, and while its none of my business its bothering me somewhat.

Ive been asking round about questions, like what hes been up to since i last saw him. The answer is ' not much' nothing that would have earnt him any money.

Im poor, im not juding him for that, its not about money, and i like him and his company but im finding it hard to reconcile in my own head and wondering how he gets away with it, because he cant be on benefits else he would be forced to work...

Do i give him a few dates more? or is it not important? or do i just dump?

OP posts:
schokolade · 17/01/2014 06:11

Don't be daft badger. Life is hard without stability, for which both halves of a partnership need to pull their weight. Financially or otherwise.

Believe it or not, many women earn more than their DP/DH. Me for one. I don't mind this at all. I would certainly mind if DH sat on his bum all day claiming that he couldn't work/cook because he was following his dream (which one can only assume would be being lazy!). Lovely, but you can't live on unfulfilled dreams, can you?

Striving for a dream is attractive. Using a fake dream as cover for being lazy is not.

perfectstorm · 17/01/2014 06:26

Badger, your post is utterly ridiculous. She's not asking for a rich man, she's asking for one who isn't workshy. She's a lone parent who works full time on a low income and has previously been taken advantage of by a man who used her for a roof, food and housekeeping. Wanting to avoid a repeat performance does not make her a golddigger, and nor does concern at a man who does not own a saucepan, lives on toast, and works one day a week in his thirties. She's simply expecting a grown-up.

You are bringing your own issues to this thread.

badgeroncaffeine · 17/01/2014 06:43

perfectstorm I didn't say she did "ask for a rich man". Read what I said. If she has "previously been taken advantage of" then, as previous posters have pointed out, she needs to avoid that happening. From what I can make of it, he hasn't attempted to "take advantage" and if he did, she should just say "no". As I said, women only seem concerned about "workshy" men when they have little money. I could say a lot more, but won't.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 17/01/2014 06:43

Im not looking for a replacement father, but i dont thinkits best to go into things with someone you know its not going to work with, feelings develop and people end up hurt. im not underhand.

im seeing him once more, this weekend and then will have to make a decision.

Its all very well to say these things dont matter, but they do. being able to pay your way in life isnt really optional and im not prepared to spend money that should be for dd's clothes or shoes to support someone who has opted out. im skint but i pull my weight.
,
ive dated wealthy men and have dumped them for being arses ( much to friends distain.... because apparently if someone has money you do what they want so you get it. no. i dont) money is no issue, being a grown up is.

OP posts:
missymarmite · 17/01/2014 06:49

Women on "a little money" cannot afford an extra large child to look after, especially when that "child" is a fully grown adult perfectly capable of at least cooking for himself! Goodness grief!

I say this as a woman who would love to be earning enough to support her DP as a stay at home house husband to cook and clean and care for the kids, but would not tolerate said DP sitting on his arse all day doing nothing, contributing nothing to the relationship except a dick!

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 17/01/2014 06:49

badger.he hasnt yet, but its early days.
and yes im concerned because i have so little that i cant afford to support anyone else. if i do it means a direct loss to dd in relation to food or clothing which is not acceptable in my eyes.

OP posts:
badgeroncaffeine · 17/01/2014 06:50

Interesting last paragraph there nowoodenspoon. I really didn't know women advised each other in such terms. I'm very surprised! ;)

badgeroncaffeine · 17/01/2014 06:52

It's simple nowoodenspoon, if he tries to take advantage then tell him "no", when and if it happens.

perfectstorm · 17/01/2014 07:03

As I said, women only seem concerned about "workshy" men when they have little money.

Really? We're all cloned, are we?

DH works bloody hard, but a lot of it is voluntary. He also did an OU History degree for fun while working fulltime and got a First. I admire that a hell of a lot - he's interesting, thoughtful and inhales books and ideas. He is not highly paid, though we have enough, but he's someone I find fascinating. And that was why I fell in love with him and married him, rather than one of the guaranteed-road-to-moolah types that proliferate at the university we attended.

Your comments are quite revoltingly sexist.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 17/01/2014 07:36

I dont care if hes highlypaid, just that he is paid, and has a work ethic, so perfectstorm, your husband sounds lovely :)

The whole cockloding thing, its not always just a case of saying no. It can come up unexpectedly

The last guy, for example, we once went out to dinner, the cheque came, and he declared he had left his wallet in the car, but if i paid on my card he would give me the cash. So, id give him the benefit of the doubt and what else can you do in that situation, and he wouldnt give me the money, despite me asking for it several times. We went away one weekend with a group of my friends. We went somewhere with no cashpoint, so had to take enough cash. I had asked if he wanted to come and said if he did he would have to pay for one of the two nights as we would need a bigger room than just me on my own. I told him several times he would need to bring x amount of cash. I pick him up, hes brought just under the amount needed for one night, so i have to sub that. I thought he had extra cash on him. He didnt. I had to pay for the whole thing, He told friends ( who went shopping to get food) that he needed x x an x, costing a whopping £30 but had no money to pay for it, so i had to pay ( bearing in mind there was no access to cash) and i then had no money left for the rest of the weekend and was left embarassed and humilated. I had to recoup the shortfall off the following weeks food budget, meaning DD was not fed properly.
He was then dumped.

Its not just a case of ' saying no when asked'

and damn if i am going to put myself in that situation again.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 17/01/2014 07:43

Are you a toast eating cocklodger badger? If you're not would you date the female equivalent?

I doubt it.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 17/01/2014 07:49

and badger, like i said, i have dumped many a man who is loaded but a total arse and think money gets them what they want. To me, that is as unattractive as someone who has chosen to have none ( note the chosen... if he had been made redundant but was job hunting that would be different)
I dont care about money, but i don care about someone being my equal.

OP posts:
quadro · 17/01/2014 08:04

It depends, doesn't it? If you are looking for a long-term living together arrangement, it's not going to work.

If you're just after a non-living together situation where your finances aren't meshed, then there's no reason not to enjoy each other's company.

Many a happy relationship has failed because the couple should have continued living apart. You don't have to follow the traditional model.

Obviously most people want children, though, so if you want children, then it won't work.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 17/01/2014 08:08

but even if you arent living together, it still has an effect, see my post above.

OP posts:
quadro · 17/01/2014 08:11

Not such an effect, though? I'm not downplaying your situation nowoodenspoon but you dumped him-that's a LOT easier to do than when you are living together.

Original poster
nowoodenspoon · 17/01/2014 08:34

only because im not a walkover any more and wouldnt let someone move in when they are doing things like that.

I deserve more and i dont even want to ' just settle' for being in a relationship with someone like that,becuse its better than living with them... Hmm

I dont need a boyfriend, if im giong to have one it needs to be someone who is equal to me and brings something to my life, not detracts from it.

OP posts:
MomsStiffler · 17/01/2014 08:37

You almost sound envious of him in some of your posts OP - the fact that you have to get up & work to support your family & he can get by quite happily without having to do "anything" (that you can see) must be annoying.

At no point though have you said that he's tried taking you for a ride, or that he doesn't have enough money to do what he wants to do.

He's hardly freeloading if he can live from day to day doing what he's doing...

The only mention of borrowing money, not pulling weight etc is from you preemptively saying you don't want it to happen.

I'd suggest moving on & leaving him to it - he seems happy & more than capable of looking after himself....

quadro · 17/01/2014 08:42

I didn't suggest you 'settle' for anything, nowoodenspoon, the only point I was making is that it is clearly a damned sight easier to break up with somebody who turns out to be a freeloader if you're not living with them.

That's just a fact.

ThoughtFox · 17/01/2014 08:44

FWIW, a relative is in this situation. He has (usually) enough income from an inheritance to live very frugally without paid employment, which allows him to top it up from his art. The downside is that with the drop in investment income, he is really struggling to find more conventional paid employment because he's never had a graphic design etc job of the sort that other artists have.

ThoughtFox · 17/01/2014 08:47

Oh, and I should say that my relative never sponges off anyone else and never refuses to take his share of responsibility for elderly parents, helping with childcare during sibling's illness, etc. You can be a penniless artist without being a cocklodger!

HarderToKidnap · 17/01/2014 09:17

Your posts are so serious, OP! Lighten up a bit. You don't have to decide anything now, you don't have to let him move in or feed him! You are allowed to just date him, have fun, have sex, have a laugh without tying yourself in knots about whether he's financially stable or whatever.

FWIW I think sounds lovely. No, I wouldn't marry him, but he has been very upfront about things and I doubt he would pretend he had enough money for a weekend away or whatever. He's a bumbling musician pottering their way through life, and I find most of them are pretty decent in bed and tend to know plenty of people in the local pubs. Have fun with him!

HumphreyCobbler · 17/01/2014 09:26

I would avoid. My dh never wanted a job or to answer to anyone else so he made sure that his music earned a decent wage from very early on. He never got famous, he was just industrious. It is certainly possible if you are motivated and talented.

I know too many people who live like this, most are single.

HerBigChance · 17/01/2014 11:44

He sounds lazy and immature. I write in my spare time, because it's what I love doing, but I also have to pay the bills. I would say dump, for two reasons:

  1. I don't expect a man to support me, but I do expect him to be able to support himself (and particularly as he is in his mid-thirties...);
  1. It's not yet clear whether he will want to move in on your time/money, but if so, he would be expecting you to buy into the work/wage-slave system so that he he doesn't have to.

Dreams are important, but you can't expect someone else to pay for them. I've met too many men who think they can stroll in and out of jobs and that someone else will help them out. Lazy timewasters.

Trills · 17/01/2014 11:49

YANBU to break up with someone if your values are incompatible, which it sounds as if they are.

I would not want to date someone who "lived on toast".

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/01/2014 11:52

YANBU - No way could I be with someone who said they have no intention of ever getting a job! Fair enough if he's a student or just finished uni and wants a gap year or whatever but a man in his mid 30's....he sounds like a lazy bum to be honest. We all have dreams but sometimes this thing called...oh yeah reality....sets in and we have to grow up and get in the real world.

TBH I would dump him now whilst you don't have real feelings for him yet. Will be far less complicated in the long run.

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