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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP BU to cancel maintenance payments to ex...

234 replies

missymarmite · 15/01/2014 20:06

If he gets fined for her taking their 2 kids out of school for a weeks holiday with her partner.

It would only be until his share of the fine has been paid off. This is in light of the recent court case where a couple got taken to court and have to pay nearly a grand for taking their kids out on holiday. Apparently each parent is liable, even non-resident ones who have done nothing wrong! Why should our family suffer for HER holiday!

OP posts:
tudorqueen · 15/01/2014 22:01

Everyone should only have the family the can afford to provide for and support. That doesn't stop being true because your relationship breaks down and you move one.

How ridiculous.

MomsStiffler · 15/01/2014 22:02

If the OP can't afford a holiday, then it seems unfair that her kids should have to suffer because the Ex (who can) decides to take her kids away out of term time.

YANBU OP.

whatever5 · 15/01/2014 22:06

YANBU. He should let her know in advance that if he is fined he will be reducing the maintenance payments to cover it. Then it will be up to her to factor the fine cost in when deciding if it is worth going on holiday during term time.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 15/01/2014 22:07

It is him refusing to send money not refusing the fine though.The maintenance goes to kids.The fine will go off to court.

He wants to stop the maintenance.

Therefore,it's that he is refusing not the fine.If he was refusing the presumed fine it's that he wouldn't be paying.

He just wants to pay one,understandably,but is wanting to do it the wrong way.

Not a nice thing to do and likely to cause a heap of problems tbh

mumandboys123 · 15/01/2014 22:11

OP - why do you think this is just something that potentially happen to NRPs? Can't PWC also be affected by this policy? If my ex wants a holiday in term time, there will be nothing I can do to stop him...so it'll be me who gets fined as well, surely?

You are entirely unreasonable with your suggestion and your jealousy and anger is particularly unpleasant. The fact that his ex works, has a partner who works and can afford holidays does not absolve your partner's financial responsibility towards his children. His ex doesn't answer to you. All this needs is a letter to the head which clearly states that he does not give his permission for, nor does he agree to, the withdrawl of his children from school for the purpose of a holiday. No sensible head would pursue the issue with your partner any further but should it come to it (and I guess one day, somewhere, it will), then a sensible judge would throw it out of court providing you have the paperwork to show you didn't agree. I suggest you act like an adult and your partner faces his responsibilities head on instead of making making angry threats which will do nothing other than have a negative impact on the children concerned.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/01/2014 22:14

"The maintenance goes to kids."

Does it?

How peculiar. And they spend it themselves do they?

Usually the maintenance would be paid to their mother.

So the simplest way to recoup money their mother owed you would be to withhold that money until it was paid off.

As long as she was given plenty of notice that he would do this rather than pay a fine incurred by her against his will, then there should be no problem at all with doing it.

Either she can afford this holiday, including paying the full fine.

Or she can't.

Either way, her call.

tudorqueen · 15/01/2014 22:14

OP - why do you think this is just something that potentially happen to NRPs? Can't PWC also be affected by this policy? If my ex wants a holiday in term time, there will be nothing I can do to stop him...so it'll be me who gets fined as well, surely?

Yep. But they would get a very different response from some people on here.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 15/01/2014 22:21

I think the response would be the same, do something about it before it even get's to the point of a fine being issued. Seems fairly simple to me.

mumandboys123 · 15/01/2014 22:25

tudorqueen I don't think so. The fact is, whether we like it or not, Government policy now says we can't take our children out of school for holidays. It's fine for 'together' parents to make that decision but it's hard for either parent wanting to make that decision because of the potential impact of the fine on the other. I imagine my ex will do this this year and I am braced for it. I too couldn't afford legal advice but I would make my position very, very clear with the school, in writing and expect to hear no more about it.

As a teacher myself, I think I can say with some clarity that my headteacher is not without empathy or understanding of the difficulties that arise with separated parenting. I can't imagine he would seek to fine the parent who didn't take the child on holiday in a case like this (or forward it to the local authority to deal with). But, I say that on the proviso that the head is made aware of the problem prior to it happening. You can't just sit there and wait for it to happen and then refuse to pay.

niceguy2 · 15/01/2014 22:27

Not read all 5 pages but the bottom line is this:

Maintenance is not something you can withhold because the ex is doing something you don't like. Full stop.

Original poster
missymarmite · 15/01/2014 22:27

Whatever I say will be wrong. Because as far as many are concerned I am the "2nd significant woman". That means I should come 2nd. I am fine with that to a certain degree. I am very, very fond of DP's children. Including his eldest. Who lives with us. Not with her mother. Her mother is the very woman whose irresponsible selfishness, not only by taking her youngest 2 out of education (her choice, her children, I know), but who is going to be causing a situation which will affect her own eldest daughter by taking money (indirectly, I know) away from her! But of course, that is ok, because mothers are always right. Unless they are also step-mothers, then they are selfish, evil, scum.

OP posts:
IneedAwittierNickname · 15/01/2014 22:30

Gosh, if I took my dc our of school for a holiday (which I wouldn't do tbh, unless it was a real once in a life time type thing and unavoidable - if holidays can be unavoidable) I wouldn't dream of expecting my ex to pay the fine!

And if he took our dc out, and I couldn't stop him, I'd fight the finr too!

That said, I don't think stopping maintenance is a good idea. Although reducing it by a couple of pounds a months sounds fair to me in all honesty.

tudorqueen · 15/01/2014 22:32

mumandboys123 - I'm sorry, it really seems very unfair. I hope you can sort it out.

missymarmite - whatever anyone else says, you have a legitimate right to have an opinion on this issue that affects your life and that of your DC and anyone who argues that you are secondary is BU.

deakymom · 15/01/2014 22:34

if i pulled my daughter from school for a holiday with me i would offer to pay my ex's fine as he has no say in what happens with her (his choice and hers) i dont think its fair he pays as he is not getting the holiday it would be different if he was coming with us but going alone its my problem

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2014 22:36

heidiwine the LA aren't the first port of call because until the Head (or whatever member of the SLT is in charge of attendance) flags it up to them, they won't have a clue what the OP's DH is going on about...therefore he needs to write to the head.

OP you've been given pretty basic advice. If your DH follows it, he won't be fined - it's. that. simple.

mumandboys123 · 15/01/2014 22:36

oh for goodness sake, grow up! The solution to this is very simple - but you'd rather be a martyr to it all and moan and whine and make sure everyone knows what a victim you are and how awful the ex is.

As for '2nd significant'...are you for real? This is not about YOU. You just want to make it that way because you can't bear the fact that your partner's ex is getting on with her life and seemingly enjoying it. You cannot change the actions of his ex - only your reaction to them. If you are determined to be miserable, then....here we are.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 15/01/2014 22:37

The fine has to be paid in a certain time frame ( think 42 days) other wise it is doubled.

The op and her DP can't afford the £120 in one hit. It will then double to £240.

The only way around it would to increase CM over 6 months to cover the cost

Maybe83 · 15/01/2014 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
missymarmite · 15/01/2014 22:39

Thank you Tudor Queen. I shall go have a Wine and calm down. By tomorrow it will all look better.

Don't think I would be so annoyed if it was a one off fabulous once in a lifetime holiday to disneyland or something. I'd just be happy for the little ones to be going on a lovely experience. What annoys me is this is a regular week in a static caravan in the neighbouring county! And they did this last year, and will probably do it next year. And we are lucky enough to live in a lovely beautiful part of the UK, near the beach, so it's not like they can't have a great summer locally (many families pay a packet to visit here in the summer).

More Wine needed

Defo more Wine

OP posts:
WhatDoYouDoWithToothpaste · 15/01/2014 22:40

The only solution is not to reduce CM, they can reduce their gas, electric, council tax, food bill, socialising bill.

They are two separate things.
CM is for the children.
The fine is a fine payable to the LA, because the OP's dh can't be arsed to write to the school to explain, so he has to pay the find to the LA, so he and OP can whine and have reason to hate the ex, point score and be all Jeremy Kyle about it.

mumandboys123 · 15/01/2014 22:42

tudorqueen it IS unfair. Separated parenting is full of unfairs. I pay 20% more childcare than I need to 'cos my ex can't be trusted to change his days with the children at the drop of a hat, or organise a meeting, or just not turn up when it suits him. I work full time and am stressed to high heaven with 3 primary aged children. I COULD, if I chose to, let my ex get to me. But I don't, I just put in place back up, and then back up to the back up and I consider it money well spent for peace of mind. And my ex's non-maintenance paying, holidaying, new car, expensive restaurant habit he tries to rub my nose in goes right over my head. I don't care. It's his problem, not mine - he's got three children to answer to and even at their tender ages, they know full well who they rely on and who's out for fun. They will turn round and reject him one day - to a greater or lesser extent - and it won't be because of anything I said or did. He's digging his own hole - doesn't need any help from me!

OP - you just don't let the barstewards grind you down. It's a difficult position. Deal with it. Move on.

Supercosy · 15/01/2014 22:42

Sorry if I've missed a post op but has your dh spoken to his ex about this and said that he doesn't approve or asked her to pay the entire fine because there is no doubt that she should do. Of course he shouldn't be paying it. I hope he takes Worra's advice and writes to the school. He shouldn't be worried about making a stand, it's a sensible thing to do and the school will come across it alot now.

Original poster
missymarmite · 15/01/2014 22:44

Maybe83, we didn't decide to "bring another child into the world". We are a blended family. He had 3 with XP, I had one with my XH. His eldest from that relationship lives with us. My DS is actually older than his youngest 2. I have had to accept that I will never have another baby because we cannot afford to because he already has 3, which has been a really difficult thing for me so please do not put salt in the wound with these really insensitive "you shouldn't have any more children" comments.

Thanks x

OP posts:
tudorqueen · 15/01/2014 22:48

Maybe83 - this isn't about you, is it.

mumandboys123 - he'll be the ultimate loser. Kids aren't stupid.

whatever5 · 15/01/2014 22:48

Perhaps he could sue her if he has to pay the fine? It costs £25 to go through the small claim court and he would probably get that back if he wins.