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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why ex is taking paternity leave?

286 replies

marleyandme2014 · 10/01/2014 21:59

Split with my ex shortly after finding out I was pregnant.

Not had much to do with him during the pregnancy - not once had him ask me if I needed anything for the baby etc which I feel is a bit off - however all of a sudden he is contacting me asking for my mat b1 form so that he can claim paternity leave!

I thought this was for fathers who would be spending their time with the newborn - not in this case though - he said quite blatantly that he wants to use the time to catch up with friends and buy a car.

So as not to drip feed, I am with my long term partner again now - pregnancy with ex not planned of course but me and my partner are very happy and he will be fully involved in her care and upbringing. We will be getting married in the summer.

AIBU in thinking he is unreasonable, or is this OK?

OP posts:
DizzyZebra · 12/01/2014 02:39

I would also think carefully about the Birth certificate. Your child has the right to know who their dad is yes, But you can make a record of this yourself incase anything were to happen to you and he wanted to find him when he's older.

I don't see what good putting him on the birth certificate would do. It would give him parental responsibility and without a court order preventing him from doing so would then mean he could take the child from you and you would have to go to court to get him back - The police etc would not get involved, He wouldn't even have to tell you where he is until a court orders it which even an emergency application can take a few weeks if he gets crafty with the courts.

If he decided in future he wanted to be involved he could take you to court and be put on and obtain parental responsibility that way but based on his behaviour, i would be suspicious at this point.

I am happy to admit my view on that is coloured by my own experience in this area.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 07:16

Dizzy, that's because he was taking time off to care for you or the baby

www.dad.info/work/paternity-leave/who-s-eligible-and-how-do-i-get-it

Not sure how exact this link is as paternity leave is not something I know much about but several say exactly the same thing so I'm guessing its not far off

KristinaM · 12/01/2014 09:09

My fathers name isn't in my birth certificate , because my parents were not married when I was born. It doesn't bother me. And I'm old enough for it to have been a stigma when I was born .

His lack of interest and involvement in my life DOES bother me. Although I'm kind of over it now, after all these years. But that wouldn't have been fixed by writing his name on a form .

Many posters seem to be confusing totally different things

Father having parental responsibility
Father financially supporting child
Father being involved in child's life in a positive way
Child knowing who father is

Unfortunately the father turning up t the registrars office and putting his name on a form does not mean that the seconds and third happen automatically

Mellowandfruitful · 12/01/2014 10:12

Agree with Kristina above. The child will have a father in the sense of the person bringing her up and looking after her day to day. She won't get a lot out of some chump exerting his rights. I too suspect the interest in DNA testing etc is all talk.

Chunderella · 12/01/2014 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadztMaru · 12/01/2014 10:46

Op has tried to talk about contact with the father, they're not the actions of someone obstructive to a relationship between this man and their child.
He hasn't responded to this, he will not contribute financially to the child's upbringing, he's currently only in it for the two weeks he thinks he'll get off work.
So far he's shaping up to be a real gem of a parent, if he wants his name on the birth certificate let him make the effort to arrange it with the op

FryOneFatManic · 12/01/2014 10:57

Not having the father on the BC IS NOT the same as denying paternity. There are plenty of people who know and have good relationships with fathers who are not named. Don't confuse the two.

So far, it looks like the OP has tried to be fair, by trying to talk about contact and maintenance, she offered him the opportunity to attend scans, etc.

And all he's interested in is the 2 weeks paternity leave, ie what's in it for him.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/01/2014 10:59

I agree Period. Its shocking in this day and age women have so much power when it comes to children. The NRP is nearly always slated on here yet the PWC can be obstructive, exclude the NRP and are seen as angels.

The sooner our courts make it 50/50 custody automatically after a split the better. Perhaps then less accidents would happen and more children would be born into stable relationships.

I suspect the OP wants the ex to simply vanish so she can play happy families with the partner. I hope the ex pushes for the DNA test and if the baby is his fights all the way for contact so that the child knows its true parents. She was adult enough to sleep with him and get pregnant so now needs to be an adult and see she does not own the child and neither is her new partner the father.

SuperScrimper · 12/01/2014 11:02

The birth certificate is a leal declaration of parentage.

It's a document of pure fact.

The OP knows who the Father is so it should not be up to her to decide to put his name on or not!

SuperScrimper · 12/01/2014 11:02

legal

OddFodd · 12/01/2014 11:03

You really think this baby would be better off having someone in his life who wants to to get paternity leave to go to the pub with his mates because this man is the child's bio father? Hmm

What a stupidly sentimental way of viewing the world

Picturesinthefirelight · 12/01/2014 11:04

Given the fact that ex is planning in fraudulently claiming paternity leave to take holiday do you really think he's going to make the effort to go to the registry office to get his name put on the certificate?

OP can't put his name on the certificate if he isn't there whether she wants to or not

My guess is he'd like his name on the certificate to help him get other benefits at work like parental leave.

OddFodd · 12/01/2014 11:05

And for the 20th time, the OP cannot put this bloke on the BC unless he comes to register the birth with her.

Chunderella · 12/01/2014 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FryOneFatManic · 12/01/2014 11:18

OddFodd Sun 12-Jan-14 11:05:07
And for the 20th time, the OP cannot put this bloke on the BC unless he comes to register the birth with her.

The Ex MUST be physically present to sign the BC, or his name WILL NOT be on it. Legal fact. It is not up to the OP to add his name. HE must sign.

So my suggestion previous still stands. OP should make an appointment to register the birth and tell the Ex. Then the decision as to whether his name is on the BC is HIS alone. He attends and signs, or not. HIS choice.

needaholidaynow · 12/01/2014 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FryOneFatManic · 12/01/2014 11:58

He's asked the OP for her MATB1, but she's not minded to give it to him....

needaholidaynow · 12/01/2014 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Picturesinthefirelight · 12/01/2014 12:08

No- an employer is not entitled to ask a father to be for the MATB1 form. That firm is for the use of the mother to be only.

Picturesinthefirelight · 12/01/2014 12:09

Fathers to be have to sign a different form - the one I linked to earlier to be entitled to paternity leave & pay.

Binkyridesagain · 12/01/2014 12:18

My DD does not have her bio-fathers name on her certificate and it was not because I refused. He wasn't there when I registered her birth, he refused to come, I told him that he can still be her named father after she was registered but he has to go to a solicitor to swear a declaration of paternity, he refused unless I got the paperwork for him.

He didn't want to be on the certificate, his choice. Don't assume because there is no name that it was all down to the mother, it isn't.

Original poster
marleyandme2014 · 12/01/2014 12:31

As a side note, he has just informed me that I would be breaking the law by not putting his name on the certificate.

I know this is not true, but he swears that it is and that he received this information from a professional source.

Apparently I am stupid for not knowing this?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 12:53

That really is not the case at all, but should you wish to check give cab a quick call.

Just so you know,if you put down the name of someone who you know not to be then you will be committing an offence so putting your dp's name is an offence but leaving it blank is not.

perplexedpirate · 12/01/2014 12:53

Ha! What an idiot, of course it's not breaking the law!
I wouldn't be putting him on the birth certificate, for your child's protection.
It doesn't mean that your child won't know who her bio-dad is, if that bothers you. You could just tell her if she's interested.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 12:54

But why are you even having this conversation with him?