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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not understand why ex is taking paternity leave?

286 replies

marleyandme2014 · 10/01/2014 21:59

Split with my ex shortly after finding out I was pregnant.

Not had much to do with him during the pregnancy - not once had him ask me if I needed anything for the baby etc which I feel is a bit off - however all of a sudden he is contacting me asking for my mat b1 form so that he can claim paternity leave!

I thought this was for fathers who would be spending their time with the newborn - not in this case though - he said quite blatantly that he wants to use the time to catch up with friends and buy a car.

So as not to drip feed, I am with my long term partner again now - pregnancy with ex not planned of course but me and my partner are very happy and he will be fully involved in her care and upbringing. We will be getting married in the summer.

AIBU in thinking he is unreasonable, or is this OK?

OP posts:
perplexedpirate · 12/01/2014 12:57

By 'not putting him on the certificate' I mean not telling him when you register her, of course.
Obviously he has to be there and sign. I wouldn't be giving him the opportunity.
To clarify! Smile

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 12:59

happymummy

So is it only when mothers fraudulently claim a benefit that you think that makes them parents who the children should be removed from then?

Different rules for mums and dads.

I've lost count of the amount of times you have gone on about benefits meaning your crap and neglecting your children and thry woukd be better off elsewhere,paternity pay is a benefit.

KatAndKit · 12/01/2014 13:08

I think it is the right thing to do to give him the opportunity to sign the birth certificate. Tell him when the appointment is and see if he can be added to show up or not. If not, then he will have to go down the legal route if he wants to get PR. If he co signs the birth certificate he is effectively agreeing it is his child so if he is still harping on about a DNA test register without him and tell him he can get added after results. If he is named as the father it will make it easier for you to claim maintenance payments.

KatAndKit · 12/01/2014 13:09

Arsed to show up, not added.

marleyandme2014 · 12/01/2014 13:09

He texted me earlier today to tell me about breaking the law.

Forgetting that he was trying to get me to act fraudulently fr him re paternity leave anyway. Also forgetting that he is talking nonsense.

I have already decided that his name won't be going on, and I do have my genuine reasons for this which many posters have specified earlier.

He said he will be taking me to court to gain his 'parental rights' as he put it.

As far as access and maintenance is concerned, he won't discuss this with me strangely (apart from what I mentioned earlier). So he wants full 'rights' , no responsibility.

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 12/01/2014 13:11

Parental rights do not exist. Children have rights. Parents have responsibilities.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 13:12

That's a lot of bollocks, it will make no difference at all towards claiming maintenance.

Named on cert or not you can apply

Named on cert or not the person can deny and still go down the nope not mine route

marleyandme2014 · 12/01/2014 13:12

Does anyone know approx how long it would take for him to gain PR through court?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 13:15

Then let him take you to court, do not worry about it.

He won't get any legal aid and he probably won't bother. Check your private messages.

fifi669 · 12/01/2014 13:17

If you go through CSA and he denies parentage, they will provide a DNA test. If it's positive it's added to his bill. Makes no difference having him on the birth certificate in that respect.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/01/2014 13:38

Sock, i dont recall saying he should get parental leave. Where did I?

What i do believe he should get is his name on the birth certificate and full involvement in his childs life. Something the OP likely wants him not ti have given she has a new partner ready to play daddy and they could not have children between them. The motherr does not get to play god with her childs life.

The ex cannot be all that bad, the OP surely knew him well enough to sleep with without contraception (no mention condom failure) and went ahead with the pregnancy. We only have her side of the story.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 13:46

She says she has tried to talk about contact with him if she wanted to play happy families with her dp why would she even be engaging with the ex?

jacks365 · 12/01/2014 13:47

Happy the op has made it clear she has tried to arrange contact and maintenance but that the dad is not prepared to discuss it. The op has no intention of excluding him , has provided him with dates and times of appointments scans etc but he wasn't interested. He has shown interest now but only for his benefit ie paternity leave. From everything said it wouldn't surprise me if he reckons he can claim child benefit or tax credits if he's on the birth certificate. I would say from his past actions that he needs to prove himself to be behaving in the childs best interests before he is given the power to do anything which would be very detrimental to the child.

JupiterGentlefly · 12/01/2014 13:53

My friends ex husband refused permission for the children to go on a weeks holiday to spain. For no other reason for being an arse. He exercised his pr alright.

JupiterGentlefly · 12/01/2014 13:54

For - than

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 14:00

I've known of one who went and emptied his 11 year olds bank account everything the mum had busted a gut to save.

Nothing anybody could do about it,the child never saw that money again and pr gives you rights over a child's property

Thumbwitch · 12/01/2014 14:06

Sounds like he's unlikely to turn up to the registration of your baby's birth anyway, and if he doesn't turn up, he can't go on the BC as you are not married to him.

So that solves that problem.

If he bothers his arse to go for PR, then let him - but I suspect he's huffing and puffing and trying to cause problems for you because you've refused to give him his free pass for 2 weeks holiday.

It's just so much hot air. The only person with any "rights" in this situation is your baby and it sounds like your DP will be a much nicer Dad than the actual biological one, who sounds like a twat and a bully.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 12/01/2014 14:07

Thank christ for Period. I thought I'd stumbled on to a Jeremy Kyle forum. Respect your baby. Let he/she know that her mother( in spite of his treatment of his child) never denied her father the chance to acknowledge his offspring. He does sound like a bloody loser but thats not the childs fault. Naming the biological father on the birth certificate shouldn't be a privilege it should be a legality.

IneedAsockamnesty · 12/01/2014 14:21

You may want to read the full thread.

She changed her mind

auntpetunia · 12/01/2014 15:09

so he wants his rights, paternity leave etc but doesn't want contact or to pay any money. he's got a bloody cheek. doesn't he have to be at the appointment with registrar to get his name on certificate …bet get doesn't turn up.

prettywhiteguitar · 12/01/2014 15:17

There's a lot of women commenting here without having the experience of dealing with a crap abusive power hungry ex

Maybe you should keep your judgemental opinions to yourself ? These men aren't normal lovely human beings that are bring denied access for no good reason

There are very good reasons for keeping these men at arms length, when they are having a good influence on their child and behaving in a decent way then things are different but I think from what the op is saying about this guy he needs to be treated with caution

FanFuckingTastic · 12/01/2014 15:30

I have never once tried to stop my children's fathers from being involved in their lives, I actively encourage it.

He left me. He chose not to contribute financially. He chose not to be present at the birth. He chose not to see his baby. I simply chose to not put his name on a certificate, which is easily rectified by him going to a solicitor. If he was interested.

I was very aware that the situation might change, so I was always very open about her father, and when she requested to see him aged four I would spend money on public transport and take her to him. She simply wouldn't have seen him unless I paid and did the four hour journey each way, in my wheelchair with a four year old.

When she stayed over, it was me that provided the money and clothes she needed, as well as the transport. When she wanted to speak to him, I paid for the calls.

When I became too disabled to care for her properly, she went to live with where she was better off.

My son's father had 50/50 parental rights after we split and we worked together on everything. We still do, the only time I ever stopped contact was when I had concerns about my son's well being as his father's girlfriend was physically and emotionally abusive toward him, and emotionally abusive towards my DS. I cried for my son, because it felt so wrong to do, but it was the only way I could protect him at the time.

People make some bloody strong assumptions based on one piece of information. So what if we don't put their name down, they don't usually bother attending the registration anyway, so why give them rights when they have no interest other than to get whatever benefits them, like a free holiday to mess about while the mother is giving birth and caring for the child they have abandoned?

Gennacy · 12/01/2014 17:58

I think its a bit dodgy that he will only pay money for the upkeep and maintenance of the child into her bank account that only he has access too?

If he does ever get PR make sure any bank with her name on it has two parents named so they both have to agree to take money out? same with schools etc

Good Luck

Gennacy · 12/01/2014 17:59

Pressed enter too soon...

Good luck with the impending birth, I can imagine emotion is running very high right now :(
Does he want to be at the birth? I assume he is texting you to ask whats happening?

FryOneFatManic · 12/01/2014 19:30

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar The Ex has to turn up in person to have his name on the BC. The OP cannot add his name without him being there as they are not married.

As long as the OP tells him when the appointment is, it'll be up to him if his name goes on the BC. His choice, not hers.