to want dp to work away rather than us move for promotion?

[smuggler]

Dp is doing really well in his career and has been told he's next in line for promotion. Promotion would mean working elsewhere but within the same county. He'd have to be near work for the duration of his work days (four per week) so commuting isn't an option. He wants us to move but our eldest is settled in school here, has friends, we all like the area etc. There are three more potential promotions in years to come before he's at the top of his game and it's very likely he'd have to move each time. Aibu to want him to work away for promotion and to only consider moving for the final one? He says he'd miss us too much and would rather leave the promotion than work away but while I want him to take it, I don't want to uproot the kids.

Your kids will adapt and cope. What do you think will happen to them?

unless there is more to it, why would you be happy with having little or no time with DP.

How about the support you get from DP now, if he works away his will vanish with it.

If he'd be within the same county, how long a commute are we talking? Could he maybe do half and half - so stay away one night, home the next, etc?

OP, the year after we got married, DH was offered a great opportunity with his company, but in London (we're in Scotland).
It worked for us. DD (his DSD) was 9 and I couldn't bear to take her away from her friends and family.

The first few weeks were hard but it got easier. Then it became the norm. And I really looked forward to him coming home, sort of like when we were dating again. It was exciting actually

After 1 year, he decided it had been long enough and found another job closer to home - an even better job, which his time in London definitely helped towards.
So, I'd say that living apart during the week is manageable. Takes a bit of getting used to and might depend on how much other family support you have to help with the kids. But you're a partnership so career moves have to work for both partners (&the small ones)

Good luck.

Or do you mean he's effectively on call for the 4 days?

sorry but i think that is really unfair to your DH you want him to support the family but not be a family until he is 'at the top of his game'.
I do actually pity men sometimes. and what about you coping alone night after night?
why not uproot the kids? it will not kill them and at least you are staying together.

Facing a similar prospect. Moved a few years back. Some of my family also moved to be closer to us. Now DH may be in line for a great job. It's not the other side of the world but too far to commute every day. You have to do what's right for the whole family.
Can he work from home at all?

Oh, and he came home every Friday evening, then left again on the red eye on Monday morning.

He'd have three days off one week, four days off the next. That's more time than most people get with their spouse. Joules I don't think they should have to adapt and cope through three moves during their education. He doesn't finish until 7 so would barely see them anymore if we moved than if he worked away.

He can't commute or work from home, he has to be there. Like I said, he isn't home until at least 7 on workdays so he doesn't provide any help with the kids on those days anyway as they're already ready for bed by then. I didn't mean I want him to take the promotion for the money, I meant I want him to take it because he loves his career, is good at it and deserves to progress.

But you don't know that the next job move will mean actually moving house again. This might be the only one that you actually need to do.

Children adapt and will settle elsewhere quickly.

I've been in that position, XH would stay away one night and comeback the next, so he wasn't doing a long commute every day and wasn't away for long enough for it to be really bad! Dd was only a month old at the time, but I coped fine on my own and it would have been harder to uproot and have to make new friends etc for what turned out to be a temporary job.

If he's likely to move again several times then I agree that it's better to have a stable base for him and the children, plenty of time for him to put in some extra hours while he away in the week and also a decent chunk of time off each week. He sounds lucky!

How old are your children?

LittleBear it's highly likely that each promotion will involve moving. Our eldest had selective mutism up until very recently, she won't just deal with the change it'd be highly likely to be a massive setback for her with each move

YANBU at all! Why should the entire family move? It's not all about him because he's the "breadwinner" it's about the happiness as a whole...of the lot of you.

My DH would never ask us to move...he'd go and come back at the weekends and we'd be fine with that.

7,6,5 and 19 months

Is there a maximum distance away he could be? And any friends or relatives that he could stay with during the days he is working within that distance?

Tbh I see what you are saying. Three/four days off a week is more than most people get together and if he's not home to see the kids of an evening anyway I fail to see what difference it would really make to him . There's Skype and phone it's not like you won't see or speak to eachother.

OP I know all about selective mutism! The anxiety is terrible. If your child is happy now, then don't move.

DH has worked away from home for most of our marriage (17yrs) it is only in the past 2 years that he has worked within a commutable distance, we could never have moved with him as his work takes him all over the Uk.

Its bloody hard for everybody, but if you have a strong relationship and don't let resentment in, and remember to work at your relationship, it can work. I found it harder when he finally lived full time with us again as both of us had to learn how to live with each other again.

Now you have said how young they are, many people on here will say "Oh they're SO young...they;ll adjust." but unless you've had a child with SM then you wouldn't know. OP...it's you who has to do the school run, manage the children effectively....that's your job yes? You stand up for your rights to do it well and as you see fit.

He literally needs to be within 5 mins Giles.

Lynda, you've been in that position with your xh-so the situation didn't work for you?

Your DH doesn't want to do it OP.

Agree with Binky, XH worked away for several weeks at a time after that and I found it hard to adjust to having him home as I'd got into routines and when he was home he didn't help, but just got in the way! But with fairly short spells away and presumably fairly regular days on/off it will be easier to manage.

Is there an "on call room" set up at all?

There must be somewhere he can stay?

With four children so young and the sole responsibility yours to deal with the day and bedtimes etc I think it's unfair to ask you to move for a job that may or may not work out.

I can sympathise that you don't want to move. We had our own house and it was only an hour from family. When DH was promoted and posted last January. He works Mon-Fri and it's too far to commute. We have a 22 month old DD, who was 10 months at the time. We decided to sell our house and we live in forces housing now, we all moved last January.

I really didn't want to move I was gutted, but DH would never see his DD or me and I didn't want to be on my own Mon-Fri, so we moved. It wasn't too bad, and is okay here. I think you just have to decided between you what works for your family and circumstances.