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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want dp to work away rather than us move for promotion?

142 replies

smuggler · 09/01/2014 22:15

Dp is doing really well in his career and has been told he's next in line for promotion. Promotion would mean working elsewhere but within the same county. He'd have to be near work for the duration of his work days (four per week) so commuting isn't an option. He wants us to move but our eldest is settled in school here, has friends, we all like the area etc. There are three more potential promotions in years to come before he's at the top of his game and it's very likely he'd have to move each time. Aibu to want him to work away for promotion and to only consider moving for the final one? He says he'd miss us too much and would rather leave the promotion than work away but while I want him to take it, I don't want to uproot the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

smuggler · 09/01/2014 22:44

I know he doesn't Bowler, but I don't think his reasoning is justification for moving and disrupting the entire family. Him saying he'd miss us is effectively him saying he'd miss me, because he wouldn't actually see the kids any more if we moved than if he worked away. The kids and I don't want to move; why does his want outweigh ours?

OP posts:

LyndaCartersBigPants · 09/01/2014 22:45

Bowlers, tbh our marriage was always a struggle, having some space helped, but when he came home and refused to help me out by looking after his own kids so that I could work one weekend, as it was his time off, I realised what a selfish arse he was!

I'd always known it, but the situation showed that I could cope as a single mum and that we had different ideas about what it meant to be a family.

The split didn't happen until he'd been living at home full time for a couple of years, so the commute thing wasn't totally relevant.

AwfulMaureen · 09/01/2014 22:45

And it can sometimes be great for a relationship to have that time apart. My DH and I really quite enjoy it when he's away! I love having some peace and quiet in the evenings and we really look forward to seeing one another at weekends. Wouldn't do for the "in your pocket" type of couple...but if you're independant of each other it's good in some ways.

Original poster

smuggler · 09/01/2014 22:46

His work will pay for accommodation for him Giles.

OP posts:

Scorchio · 09/01/2014 22:46

I've done both the moving thing (7 times in 13 years inc. 2 overseas moves) and the OH living away during the week. My husband also has to sometimes go away for 4-6 months at a time. I don't have much say in the matter (but went into my marriage knowing that all of these scenarios were likely). My DCs have always coped well with moves and are currently coping well with their dad only being home Fri night - Sunday night.

BUT I would say that you have to try to do what works best for all of you as a family. What works for another person may not work for your family and only you can decide what will work for you is by talking through your options and making a decision TOGETHER.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/01/2014 22:47

He's laughing then tbh.

I'm sure he will miss you but you have to think of the kids. He's just thinking if himself. Your the one dealing with the fall out all for three hours of someone's time.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 09/01/2014 22:48

Smuggler, it can be lonely being away from home, XH is the least emotional person you could meet, but he cried when he left the first time and called me half way there to say he couldn't do it and wanted to come home. I convinced him to go for the first 3 weeks and see how he got on. Each time he left it got a bit easier and eventually he enjoyed having his own space and so did I.

If your relationship is happy and strong and the gaps are only a few days at a time, not weeks, you'll both get used to it and it will be fine.

bumbumsmummy · 09/01/2014 22:51

Anytime with his children n you is precious family time

It takes negotiation but it can be done you are a team and should be working together

Children's friends come n go and children will manage adapt n change

Bowlersarm · 09/01/2014 22:53

I don't think his want does outweigh yours. But it has to be a huge consideration. If he's unhappy, it would put a huge strain on your relationship. And i dont see why you assume you would be unhappy if you moved.

Maybe I'm too much of a romantic, but I married my Dh because i wanted to spend my life with him. Not spend my life apart from him. I would miss him too much. And I would rather keep my family together than risk it breaking apart.

Maybe yours is a different situation, and you just don't mind not living with him.

And it has to be a decision you come to with your DH. The children won't want to move. They generally don't like the idea of change.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/01/2014 22:55

Working together doesn't mean the wife following the husband everywhere though.

Decisions will still be made together they will share the responsibility in the way that they are currently doing. He will just he saying away for three days/four days.

Bowlersarm · 09/01/2014 22:56

Lynda, I suppose the time you had apart accentuated your differences, and you came to resent him when you lived together again.

PigletJohn · 09/01/2014 23:03

From what I've seen (a lot) it is not helpful to have a partner or parent living away from their family.

Binkyridesagain · 09/01/2014 23:07

Maybe DH and I are the exception. We don't have a perfect marriage, but we are both willing to work at it, sometimes we forget to put that little bit extra in but we have always managed to get back on track. After 18 years together we must be doing something right.

The DCs are also well adjusted.

One partner working away from home does not always mean a breakdown in a relationship.

AwfulMaureen · 09/01/2014 23:08

Giles exactly. It's not only about the DH OR the DC....the wife has needs too and if the OP is happy where she is then that's JUST as important.

ChippingInWadesIn · 09/01/2014 23:08

bumbum - you might want to get your keyboard looked at, it seems to have a problem with the word and? Very odd.

smuggler - your idea is much more workable. He'll be home loads still and as you said, not seeing much less of the children at all. A bit less of you, but hey ho, sometimes you have to suck it up. If you don't want to move, don't. You are the one at home with the kids all the time, your environment is really important. ALL of that aside, I would not be doing a single thing that wasn't totally essential that would change the enviroment of a child who was, until very very recently, selectively mute. There's not a hope in hell I would do anything that would risk that. I'm surprised he thinks 'missing you' is justification for moving her??

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/01/2014 23:11

Its pretty common isn't it? I mean fire fighters and medical professionals routinely spend a lot of time away from their families. Army families can go months between visits. Construction workers who's companies put them
Up whilst on jobs. I worked in a pub/hotel it was full of people away on business or builders staying close to the site etc. I have friends who's partners live close to their work and drive down at weekends.

It's not an outrageous suggestion and is commonly done.

jugglejugglejuggle · 09/01/2014 23:15

How long until the next promotions??

PigletJohn · 09/01/2014 23:16

yes, it is quite common, as are affairs, separations and divorces. All common and routine.

bumbumsmummy · 09/01/2014 23:17

Oops

SeaSickSal · 09/01/2014 23:20

The important thing here is that he's said he doesn't want to do it and would rather pass up the promotion than be away from his family. If he did do this he would be missing out on huge chunks of his children's childhood. My bil did this for a few years and bitterly regrets missing so much time with his children. Obviously to your husband his family is more important than the promotion.

That's fine. If was insisting that he should take the job and you should move that would be a problem. But he's not. He's agreeing with you and won't take the job if it means not uprooting the children.

But I think the problem here is that you want him to take the job. You envisage him moving right up to the top of his profession. Is it important to you that he earns more money and has status?

Because I get the impression that if your husband does this it's going to be because it 's what you want, not what he wants. If he doesn't want to be away from his children and you push him into it be prepared for him to resent you.

But if he really means he would be unhappy away from you all let him pass up the promotion. Don't force him to do something that would make him miserable.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/01/2014 23:20

And of course those things never ever happen to people living together full time

PigletJohn · 09/01/2014 23:28

Yes they do. But I have observed that they occur very much more often when families live apart. Haven't you noticed that too?

FirConesAtXmas · 09/01/2014 23:31

Seasickgal - wise words.

My neighbour was made redundant, and could only get a job by moving to London. The rest of the family stayed here, and he stayed in London during the week. This continued for 4 years, then in the summer his wife died suddenly leaving him & their 3 children understandably devastated.

They can never have that time again, those chances to be together as a family are all gone.

ChippingInWadesIn · 09/01/2014 23:33

bumbum

If he did do this he would be missing out on huge chunks of his children's childhood - what the 5 minutes he sees them if he gets home before they go to bed on those 3 nights? A bit dramatic.

I don't think there's any 'obviously' about it. It might be, it might not be - he might be hoping that by saying that he will get the best of both worlds. If the family is more important he can turn down the promotion.

The OP has already said I didn't mean I want him to take the promotion for the money, I meant I want him to take it because he loves his career, is good at it and deserves to progress - is there a particular reason you don't want to believe her?

... and Because I get the impression that if your husband does this it's going to be because it 's what you want, not what he wants. If he doesn't want to be away from his children and you push him into it be prepared for him to resent you If he doesn't have the balls to say 'No, I'm not doing it (if* his wife was pushing him into it for the money (which she isn't)) then that's just pathetic and he needs to grow a back bone. Saying that would be her fault is ridiculous.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/01/2014 23:35

My friends have remained faithful. I can't speak for everyone else. If someone's the kind to cheat they will cheat. Circumstances might Make it harder or easier to do so but ultimately they make a choice.

This isn't a young couple in the early days of a relationship. This is a married couple with four very young children and a wife who understandable (as it all falls to her) doesn't want to live her child who wasn't even talking until recently.

If there is trust and communication there's no reason why this couldn't work. And who knows he might well be able to get away some nights and visit. It's a maximum of four days and he's hardly home as it is.

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