to want dp to work away rather than us move for promotion?

[smuggler]

Dp is doing really well in his career and has been told he's next in line for promotion. Promotion would mean working elsewhere but within the same county. He'd have to be near work for the duration of his work days (four per week) so commuting isn't an option. He wants us to move but our eldest is settled in school here, has friends, we all like the area etc. There are three more potential promotions in years to come before he's at the top of his game and it's very likely he'd have to move each time. Aibu to want him to work away for promotion and to only consider moving for the final one? He says he'd miss us too much and would rather leave the promotion than work away but while I want him to take it, I don't want to uproot the kids.

Just to check, if it was you out of the house, would you consider you could maintain an adequate parenting relationship over Skype?

Terrortree if the OP husband does that he will most likely be forced to stay in the situation as his old job close to home will most likely be filled (as it sounds like a big company if he possible have to move alot with promotion)

Tbh sometimes I dispear with mumsnet as alot of people on here feel just because its a dad his feelings about being sperated from his children are less important than that of the mother simply due to him being male

I think the responses here would be totally different if the genders were switched. The man would be considered controlling by impeading the womens career prospects if he 'vetoed' a move as the mother couldnt bear to be away from her children for that lengh of time etc.

Even with selective mutism is ths promotion worth the possible strain it will put on your relationship as you are the more keen one for him taking the promotion and by the sounding of your posts you would be greatly disappointed if he didnt and would most likely let those feelings be known constanly

Have also factored in the commute time as if it is 6+ hours away he might be too tired to do much on the traveling days and is the pay rise enough to cover the expesnive of long reguler journies?

Would you want to live apart from your DC 4 days a week? I know I wouldn't and think it's a shame that a lot of people seem to think that he should do so just because he's the Dad.

^^This is how I see it too. He is working to support his family - what the hell is the point if he see's them a fraction of their childhood? Its not like you get this time back in your one and only lifetime.

My friends DH works away 3 weeks + out of every month. Its lonely single parenthood for her, barely there family for him. Loads of space for resentment and distance as far as I can tell. I would move mountains to not have my family life arranged that way TBH.

I agree with seasicksal and christmas. He's made it clear he doesn't want to sacrifice family life for this (perfectly valid) and has laid out 2 courses of action which he'd be happy with: moving as a family or declining the promotion. Moving away on his own is not one of those options - so yes, YABU to push for this.

We live in Scotland and when my DD's were fairly young my DH got a job in Manchester and worker there for 5 years. We decided that we wouldn't move as my friends and family were all in Scotland and it was unlikely he would remain in that position for a long time.

It was pretty tough for him being away all week but we all coped. He would take books with him to read to DD2 over the phone at night and he tried to work at him one day a week. The routine was for him to leave vey early Monday morning then come home late Thursday night.

It was very good for his career and he eventually got another job back in Scotland. He now has a daily commute of around 3 hour round trip so spends more time on travel each week than he did when working away. However he is at home most nights.

DH has maintained a great relationship with his girls (now age 16 and 21)

Why should he have to sacrifice his life with his family if he doesn't want to, OP? Would you want to be away from your DC for 3/4 days a week if you didn't have to be?

I think YABU to push him to do something he clearly doesn't want to do. He's given you a choice - either he declines the promotion, or he takes it and the entire family moves with him. I think that's fair. Why should he be expected to leave and be away from everyone if he doesn't want to?

SeaSickSal you've made an awful lot of entirely wrong, and frankly quite ridiculous, assumptions. I am not throwing him out by supporting him and saying he should take the promotion he has worked hard for. He wants to take it otherwise he wouldn't have done the specific work involved to get it, I think it's a bit sulky to be honest to say he'll only go if we go too. Only one of the potential places the job could be is equally nice, some are horrid and others are in the middle of nowhere. When it makes absolutely no difference to the kids if he's working away, because they wouldn't see him any more if he were home, I don't see the issue with working away. And it certainly wouldn't end our relationship. At the moment he's home by 7 at the earliest, in bed by 9 if he can be but sometimes out on call all night. 3/4 days off of quality time per week is a great offer in my opinion.

Oh my goodness, if the people saying 'he wants his family time' actually read the thread you'd see that he arrives home as or after the children are in bed. There is no family time on his work days. So he can either do that 5 days per week here for less money, less chances and less fulfillment or he could do it for 3/4 days elsewhere and have significantly more family time, be fulfilled, progress and earn more money. It's a no-brainer to me and I'd 100% do it if I were in his position.

It's not just about spending time with his DC, though. It's about coming home every night - to your comforts, your bed, your partner. Good for you if you'd do it - when you're in that position, by all means go ahead, but it's not you making that sacrifice right now, it's your DP, and he doesn't want to.

That's the only reason he needs, I'm afraid. I certainly agree with him and unless we were desperate for the money (in other words, unless we needed it to keep a roof over ours heads), neither DP or I would pick a job that meant we slept apart for 3/4 nights a week, every week for the forseeable future.

smuggler I posted above re my DH working away. We never regretted him doing this and not moving as we didn't think it was fair to move our girls then possibly have to move again after 5 years. I am sure your DH is just daunted by this and there is no doubt it takes a bit to get used to. Consider what supports you have locally should your children or you become I'll suddenly or there is some other crisis. Your children won't be negatively affected. Many dads work away from home for loads of reasons. Good luck in making your decision.

smuggler it's a no brainer for me too. Obviously it's a shame he won't be home but he doesn't even know if he will like the job or how fast it will progress. And rushing to move possibly to an area you don't even like just for the sake of moving is a lot of stress. If his work pays for accommodation then at the very least that can buy you all some time to prepare the kids, research schools, and find somewhere you do like. Gives you both a chance to rest the waters before you get to the point of no return.

Yes kids adapt quickly but I don't think anyone can say that moving about constantly is ideal, what if Hes quickly promoted again and you barely unpack before you have to move again.

Surely you can both agree to try, it really might not be as bad as he thinks it is.

My dh has a job for a national company and frequently is away between Mon and Fri. It's totally unpredictable which is a big downside - some weeks its 4 nights, some weeks he is home every night. And often he won't know until very short notice where he is the next day. Planning an evening out in the week is impossible.

He's done this job ever since I've known him so its always been this way. It's never been a problem, its just the way it is. We have dc and they don't know any different. Fridays are always good because regardless of where he has been daddy comes home :)

Is it doable? Yes. Would I choose it? Possibly not but if dh wants to do his job that's the rub. The pay reflects that. We couldn't move following him around otherwise we would be living in a hotel or caravan!

Smuggler, I think you both need to sit down and write down the pros and cons of the various scenarios and take it from there. It's a big decision and he'll be nervous about making it. But you should try to make the decision together, then there can be no 'blame' put on one person if it doesn't work out. If he feels very strongly about not wanting to go after hearing your reasons for why you think it's a good idea (which I assume will include the fact that he has worked hard toward this and you feel he deserves it, and the fact that the increase in salary would benefit the the whole family in the future - with 4children, forward planning is hugely important) then I think you should should respect that.

Just ignore the harsh posters who haven't read properly, or who have made unfair - and seemingly wrong - assumptions. My DH didn't really want to go away when we first starting talking about it - it turned out to be the best move of his career. 8years on, he is able to be home for dinner, bath and bedtime for 20 mo DS (when he's not travelling anyway)

You both need to sit down & agree a course of action.

If he doesn't want to live away then I don't think you should force him. As mentioned above, it's about coming home at night rather than sitting alone in some faceless room while you're sat in your own home, kids upstairs, relaxing.

It needs to be thrashed out between you two - the kids will adapt whichever route you go down - they won't be the first kids to move house!!

It sounds quite unsympathetic & petty to say he is being "sulky" just because he doesn't want to live miles away from you all....

I agree that this has to work for both of you - and whilst it all sounds reasonable on paper, the reality of lonely evenings and long weekly commutes is tough. As is being the solo parnet on call day after day.

My dad did this for four years when we were teens - his promotion was to another country and my parents prioritised our schooling. It nearly broke their marriage and although we weren't really aware of that at the time, we did know our family was divided and we felt that keenly.

We did do a lot of moving prior to that posting and we adapted fine.

I agree with listing pros and cons but perhaps a review period and seeking other compromises is a pragmatic solution. Both of you have to be happy with whatever compromise is reached.

I can see your point actually. We moved but it was to another country for a set number of years and we were up for it as an adventure. If he might have several moves in the next so many years and has 3 and 4 days off at time, works long hours then I think you have a point. If it was just one move to a nice area then that would be different.

But be prepared it could be very bad for your marriage.

Bingblang so can living together 24/7, just pop over to the Relationships page!

Op, we live exactly like this, my husband works away, not always in a stable pattern. For those saying it is not romantic to live away from your partner, this hasn't been our experience, we love our weekends together, it's far more romantic to have a night together on Fri and Sat not having seen each other all week, there's lots to chat about and we both make the effort to spend time together both as a couple and as a family. It works well for us, anyway.

As for being unfaithful, lol, again see the Relationships board if you think someone living with you stops them being unfaithful. We both work, we both have ample opportunities should be be of that persuasion. We are not.

The downsides are that you can sometimes feel lonely in the week, all the childcare responsibility is onto you, I use the time to work hard at my career but I can imagine it could be quite dull waiting around til he gets back.

Although, given your husband gets in at 9 at night anyway, I'm not really sure it would look very different than if he lived at home and worked long hours. And 3/4 days at home a week is more than ideal, you are very lucky to have this set-up (so 7 days together, 7 apart).

As for the children, this is the main reason I won't move for his work right now- it is untrue to say children are just adaptable, they might be once, but you can't keep shifting them around without taking into account the toll in terms of friendships and general unsettledness, I have found this the worst aspect of moving around in the past which is one reason we are not moving now.

Good luck with your decision.

And- if he doesn't want to take the promotion because of this, then that's his decision. But given that he has another three moves/promotions planned, this seems unlikely. I think you need to discuss exactly what the moving would look like, how many times over how many years. I wouldn't move my children three times over (four different places) to achieve his career goal say in 10 years time because I've moved a lot in the past and it takes too long to settle everyone/for them to make friends/me to get to know people in the community.

If it's one big move, that's very different.

I bet every time you bang on about him being away making no real difference to you or the kids it makes him feel really loved and valued and gives him a warm feeling inside...

I doubt it would feel much better to discover his wife lied and is miserable and never really wanted to go in the first place. And resents him for all the set backs with the kids, especially the one who has SM.

Isn't it just as mean to expect your wife to do all the "sucking up" and insist on a move that benefits him only??

HE will miss HIS wife? Well he doesn't miss her enough to reduce the hours he works and see her for more than 7-9pm.

How loved your dh must feel!
For me, my family unit is theist important thing in the world, the time my DVD spend with dh is as precious as the time they spend with me. The kids will make new friends.

I have seen families breakup because of this setup.
Dh had to commute every week for one year, but we knew it wouldn't be forever otherwise it wouldn't have happened.
Please think carefully

Sorry for typos! On my phone

But he isn't insisting they move, he's saying he'd take it if they all move but otherwise would prefer to give it up.

I don't suppose he likes coming home late. Being told he sees so little of his kids he might as well live away might well have him thinking he needs to make changes to spend more time at home, not less. These years pass quickly and he won't get the chance to spend time with them as children for long.

But he will see MORE of the kids EVEN if he stayed away. If he can cope already surely he could cope knowing that he's actually going to get proper time with them ALL when he gets home.