to want dp to work away rather than us move for promotion?

[smuggler]

Dp is doing really well in his career and has been told he's next in line for promotion. Promotion would mean working elsewhere but within the same county. He'd have to be near work for the duration of his work days (four per week) so commuting isn't an option. He wants us to move but our eldest is settled in school here, has friends, we all like the area etc. There are three more potential promotions in years to come before he's at the top of his game and it's very likely he'd have to move each time. Aibu to want him to work away for promotion and to only consider moving for the final one? He says he'd miss us too much and would rather leave the promotion than work away but while I want him to take it, I don't want to uproot the kids.

We were facing something similar once - he would have been away for 4 days a week. However, he goes abroad frequently too so I would have been moving to a new place without my current support network and still wouldn't have seen much of him anyway.
As it turned out he didn't need to relocate but if he had we wouldn't have gone with him.
I think it would have been absolutely fine

It might even work in his favour tbh.

If you live so close to work, your the first person the call if someone phones in sick because your nearest regardless if it's your day off.

If he's gone home which is miles away they may well call someone else instead.

Oooh, if he gets home after the kids are in bed, just a wild guess but maybe it's you he wants to see? Maybe he just feels better knowing that he's there if they get out of bed in the night or if you need any help? Maybe he just wants to spend the night in his own living room and bed rather than in a hotel staring at four walls.

At the end of the day he doesn't want to do it if it means working away. He's been quite clear that he's unhappy to do that and to dismiss his feelings as 'sulky' is downright horrible. If my partner was to dismiss my feelings and wishes like this I would be furious. And I agree with the posters saying that if the roles were reversed the answers would be a lot different.

I'm reading your posts and despite a lot of waffle all I'm reading is 'My husband says he doesn't want to do this but I want him to, how can I make him'.

Writing out a list of the pros and cons is a nice idea if either of you is conflicted. But in your case the cons list should read 'He doesn't want to' and the pros list should read 'I want him to'. He's the one who would actually have to do it so he gets the casting vote.

You also envisage him getting promoted several times before he gets the 'ultimate' job which you will move for. That's potentially working away from home until he's fairly close to retirement age. This is a huge decision which is going to massively impact his life for years to come yet apparently his views on this should be dismissed as 'sulky'.

It's you who would be most affected by moving so you have the right to veto that. But it's him who would be affected the most by working away so he has the right to veto that. That leaves you with the option of him not taking the promotion.

I just cannot understand why you just can't accept his decision. This isn't about what he wants, it's about you making him do what you want.

I agree with SeaSick. It's his decision, his career, him who'd be living away from his family. If he doesn't want to do it, you have absolutely no right to force him.

"It's you who would be most affected by moving"

How's that? OP sounds like a SAHP, presumably that would still be the same after a move.

OP, my father did this for several years of my young teenage years. I'll be very honest with you, he just ended up being "the man that comes round at weekends". Was not good for my parents' marriage either.

Your DH has the right to live with his family.

Doctors no...but he has no right to force her to move either. HER job of caring for the children is NO less important than his. If she does not want to move then she doesn't have to.

Suelford the OP seems to think it will affect her. I think she has just as much right to say she doesn't want to move, but she has to listen to him too.

I think the biggest problem is that she is not envisaging moving until he gets the top job at his company. This may never happen or may take an extremely long time to happen. I really don't think it's fair to this man to plan his future on such a series of 'ifs' and 'maybes'. 3 promotions doesn't happen in a couple of years. It may never happen. If it doesn't when is the OP intending to face up to the fact that he's not going to be CEO and let him move back in full time?

I never said he had a right to make her move. I said she needs to appreciate his feelings. If he doesn't want to live away from his family and she doesn't want to move, then she needs to accept that that means turning down this promotion and probably means he won't really progress in his career.

AwfulMaureen I quite agree with you. But I can't see anyone arguing that she should be forced to move. Even the DP is not trying to make her move. The point is neither of them should be forced into doing something that makes them unhappy.

If for her that's moving that's fine, for him it's working away. So the only option is to maintain the status quo. I just can't see why the OPs wishes are so important when it comes to moving but her husband's are not equally important when it comes to working away.

If he doesn't want to work away he doesn't have to either. It cuts both ways.

She doesn't want to move the whole family. That's fair enough, the OP has the right to say she is not prepared to move.

The DH doesn't want to live on his own. Miles away from his family. Which is also fair enough. Why should he have to leave the family home and live on his own?
He also has the right to say he doesn't want to move away from his wife and children.

The DH is not telling the OP she has to move. He is not trying to force her to uproot the family as far as I can see. She has made her decision and that's the end of it.

Is there a paticular reason why the DH is not allowed to decide that he doesn't want to move away from his family?
He doesn't want to do it. It doesn't matter how many other people have done this, how well it works for them.

He doesn't want to. And he doesn't have to.

He doesn't want to. And he doesn't have to

Tantrums the OP has said she both wants him to take the promotion, and move away from the family home without the family.

Therefore she's coming over as not giving him a choice in the matter. He is the wage earner and his thoughts of where he wants to live don't matter. That is how the OP is coming across to me.

Agreed Bowler. If the DH doesn't want to live away and therefore accepts he has to turn down the promotion then the OP has to accept this too. Rather than rushing to pack his bag for him. Also the children will not always go to bed at seven. They will see him more and more in the evenings as they grow up. It won't be long either for the older ones either.

At the moment, based on most of the OP's postings, I feel rather sorry for her husband. Bowler sums it up nicely.

That's a good point about the children getting to an age soon where they will be going to bed later and have more opportunity to see their dad in the evenings, LittleBear

DHs first marriage failed, mainly because when he had to move for work, his ex didn't want to. She moved back to her home town with DSD and DH commuted at weekends. It took less than a year for DH to arrive and his ex to go straight out with "I need time off". He would get home at 2000 to "DD and I have eaten, you'll have to get yourself something". DSD had also got used to sleeping in mums bed, so he was relegated to the sofa. She resented the time he had 'free' and made him make up for it at the weekends. He did loads with DSD, but nothing with his ex

He asked her to move back with him, but she wouldn't. Within 2 years they had formally separated, divorcing the following year.

When he met me he made it clear that if we were to be together, we had to be "together". I made a couple of sacrifices so we could, and after he retired expected him to do the same (and he did).

Its funny, I retire this year and one of the options I have put to DH is that he and DD move to our 'forever' home early and I finish up here, commuting at weekends, because it would actually make the logistics of the move easier. He won't even consider it, despite the fact it would make his life a lot easier. Being together means a lot to him.

I know lots of people who have done this and made it work, but only for shorter periods (a year, 2 years max). The OP makes it sound like a longer period than that.

I can understand why you'd want this but don't think it's fair on the kids or on dh. Also, it would be hideously expensive. It sounds like he doesn't want to do it and that living apart isn't an option for him, so think you'll have to decide - either he leaves the promotion, or you all move. Your eldest might be equally unsettled by the big change of her dad living away in the week, she might find moving easier as she'd be with her family and feel secure?

My dh has done a weekly commute to London from North Yorkshire for the last two years, he is now job hunting so that he can come home every night! We decided in the beginning not to move as our eldest was just about to start school and he wears hearing aids, the schools all local to us are very small with small class sizes and this was not available in the area where we would of moved too. Also we have a very good network of friends who I could of called upon if necessary (no family close by) we have two dc and a third on way all under 6, and yes it has had its moments, but it has also worked very well for me. Dh on the other hand has hated it, it's not fun living out of a suitcase in a spare room or a hotel in the week, and he has really missed all of us, weekends are difficult as I want to relax but dh wants to do family outings. If your dh does not want to do a weekly commute it's not fair to make him.

For all those assuming I'm money grabbing, I also work and earn almost the same thank you. We don't need themoney. He is great at what he does and has been told he ccould be at the top of his game in ten years time when he'll be 37, not near retirement age at all. I'm supportive if he wants to do it, but if he doesn't that's fine too. The fact that he's still carrying out the work to get the promotions tells me he fully intends to take them and believes he might be able to get me to move in the meantime

My DH has worked from home for about 14years, he only ever works Mon-Fri, there has only been once when he has to work a weekend and it was horrendous for all of us, so it is never been repeated.

We have 3 children, 21, 14, 12 so all of them have been brought up without Dad being at home, but he has always been there for them. They have a normal parent-child relationship, they have not been affected by him spending time away from the home.

We have a normal husband-wife relationship, its bloody hard sometimes, sometimes its a blessing, but we have got through not being together all week because we are important to each other.

The DCs are now older, him working away is easier as I don't need the extra pair of hands, but its also harder because I spend more time with my own company and I find myself boring sometimes. But we all get through the week because we know that we have the weekends together, the time we have then is of better quality than if he lived at home.

Being separated during the week is not all doom and gloom, it can and does work for a lot of couples, but you have to work at it.

He literally needs to be within 5 mins

Hang on what are the chances you would even be able to find somewhere to live within 5 minutes of his work, even if you agreed to it.

How far away (in terms of time to travel as well as miles) are you now from where he would have to be.

Does he have to be so close because he could be called out at any time during his work days? If so then the chances are that if youlived so close you might still not see much of him.

Yes 5foot5 if we moved I wouldn't see much more of him at all because of being on call anyway. Work will pay for a flat for him if he goes alone or subsidise a local rented house if we all go.

smuggler so basically you have to rely on his work if you do move? And hope that they continue subsidizing rent or approve an amount that makes a house that fits your needs possible?

That would worry me tbh. To go from a house that's "yours" to relying on other people.

So do you work full time outside the home OP and have childcare and everything set up for the children. I'd say that and the fact this might be just one of a few moves does strengthen your point.

Yes Giles it's reliant on them and has been revoked in other areas with only one months notice.

Bling I work from home three days and outside the home two days. Childcare all set up, moving means it'd cost more and I'd have to commute