to want dp to work away rather than us move for promotion?

[smuggler]

Dp is doing really well in his career and has been told he's next in line for promotion. Promotion would mean working elsewhere but within the same county. He'd have to be near work for the duration of his work days (four per week) so commuting isn't an option. He wants us to move but our eldest is settled in school here, has friends, we all like the area etc. There are three more potential promotions in years to come before he's at the top of his game and it's very likely he'd have to move each time. Aibu to want him to work away for promotion and to only consider moving for the final one? He says he'd miss us too much and would rather leave the promotion than work away but while I want him to take it, I don't want to uproot the kids.

we did this for 2.5 years, husband away Mon-Fri.
Very strong marriage.
We nearly got divorced as a result.
I'm shocked at the high number of posters here who do similar and not only tolerate it, but like it!
I'm properly amazed.it
It nearly broke us and I know two couples who divorced whilst doing the 'working away' thing.

I'd definately say then that've takes the flat offer. Which is better than a hotel room and if they revoke after a few weeks then your not all stuck up there.

OP, forgive me, but most of your answers come across as very defensive of what you see as "your" position. You seem to think DH should just commute and have done with it and put up with it (you've not said that in so many words but it comes across in that sort of tone) when you yourself have just implied that one of the reasons you don't want to move is that if you move YOU would have to commute.

So, it's OK for your DH to have to commute but not you?

Sorry, and maybe it is just the way you phrase things, but I see hardly any hint of compromise or real consideration for your DH in most of your postings.

Notnew he wouldn't be commuting, he'd be working away.

News the OP isn't that defensive...she's protecting her family. If they ALL move then that's the majority affected. The DH should commute...a few days a week isn't that bad!

Usually that's interesting. We did it...DH and I and we liked it! We found that we were really happy to see one another instead of taking one another for granted...the time spent as a couple was more precious...and the DC were just fine with it too. They skyped nightly...DH liked the time alone and so did I frankly. We're still together and there was no trouble whatsoever...as for those who worry about infidelity...that happens to people no matter where they're living! Together or apart.

Interesting thread and it is a difficult decision you are facing.

We faced a similar one three years ago and DC were 3 and 6. My husband has been working away mon-fri ever since.

As other posters it has its advantages and disadvantages. But given the choice and knowing what I know now I wish we had moved.

It has got harder for DH and I the longer it has gone on and the kids now rely on me much more than they would probably have done.

In the beginning we managed one call per day, but the longer it has gone on the more we talk via text or phone. Conversely the less the kids talk to their Dad over time as they are used to me as being the main support.

We have just had a family holiday and I realised how much we missed each other as a family and how used to I was doing everything. I have never thought I was stressed by the set up but I was so relaxed just knowing he was there for two weeks!

DH has always come back for important meetings/plays etc but it is the day to day stuff he misses putting them to bed, hearing them arguing, hearing about their day at school at this age they do not want to talk about it on the phone.

When I got married someone told me it is the little things you will argue about. Working away is similar to this, it is the little seemingly inconsequential things that are problematic. The day to day humdrum. All this gets missed by whoever is working away.

Yes our marriage is strong (this arrangement has shown us both that) and having Daddy home at weekends is like a holiday for the kids. But surely it is the day to day stuff that is important really.

Trust your instincts and agree between you what you will do as you have to face the arrangement. The kids will adapt to whatever you choose.

Good luck.

Hello. I haven't read all the replies but living away sounds ok to me. If he is only home at 7 and in bed for 9, then it makes sense not to move. You could skype every night and catch up. Surely a good compromise would be that you give it 6month/year of living apart and if it's really not working then look at moving.

My oh works away during the week and we have similar age children to yours. He has always worked away so kids don't know any different. We text during the day (I mainly tell him what the kids are up to) and have big chat at night on Skype.

He knows he isn't missing much as if he worked at home he would be out before the kids got up and home after they are in bed. Then I'm running around doing house things before falling into bed myself.

We look forward to weekends, as we plan one family activity and try to have a date night once a month. You have to try harder when living apart but it's worth it.

My dad did this when I was between 16 and 18, my A Level years.

It wrecked our already fragile family life for the two years. My mother turned into a nightmare as she really struggled with it, even though it had been her idea as she refused to move. She stopped talking to him when he came home at weekends and weirdly I just felt guilty and responsible for the family happiness.

Think very carefully about it.

We are also a lot more honest about our feelings and what we want as our weekend time is precious. If I feel of he isn't helping enough at weekends ect I'm not afraid to tell him, he usually goes silent for a bit then phones me back and we talk about it. I don't think I could be quite so honest if we lived together.

I think it is key though that you don't develop separate lives.

Op it is hard at times but it's certainly doable my DP has just stopped working away from home after 10 years (DS is now 8) DP went away Sunday dinner time/ or Monday at 4am and arrived home at some point on a Friday I definitely found it difficult especially when DS was a baby and I wasn't working but we got into a routine and it was fine for us. We are now trying to get into a routine of all living together for the first time.

I'm with you smuggler - there is no way I'd consider moving a young family 4 times in their growing up years, especially with the amount of time he could be at home anyway.
When I just read the thread title, I was leaning towards saying that living in 2 sep. places can be difficult, but with the added information about this job not being permanent / the number of children / the ages of children / the selective mutism / the amount of time he would be home, I think I'd rather 'cope' for 1/2 the week and stay put where you have all your support network already there around you.

I think you should stay put and him work away if you can cope alone with kids. Or he could not accept the promotion.

It would be best if you could get him to come aboard with the idea though.

And if they all move the person least affected is the husband, he just carries on as before but in a different office or whatever. The move will affect everyone else in the family much more.

But it is a gamble as it could change your relationship forever.

I think the house idea definately requires some serious thought though.

I mean four very young children, having a very limited choice of housing and a limited budget depending on how much the work authorises. Not forgetting kids can make a mess and going from your own home where damage doesn't matter so much to rented accommodation with inspections and loss of deposit money and repairs costs (and land lords can pick the workman so no input in quality , or cost for tenants) would be hugely stressful on the mum at home trying to keep 4sets of hands off everything

My DH works long hours and never sees the DC in the week as he is out before they wake and back after they've gone to bed. He is usually away at least 1 night a week too, and his daily commute is 3 hours in total. We are all used to it, and the weekly routine is set up dependent on me (my work, nursery, school, clubs, etc). I have my support network of friends and neighbours who can do emergency pickups and drop offs if I need them to, as well as babysitting.

For a short time, he worked closer to home and would sometimes get home in time for stories but it depended on the trains and his workload. That was more unsettling for the DC than it is now, as they would wonder whether they would see him that day or not.

There is a chance that he will get promoted soon, to a position further away. We have already discussed it and agreed that, if that happens, he would move and we'd stay put. He would still have to work long hours, but he could reduce his commute. I have a job that I love, with flexible hours and an understanding manager, a great support network and the children are happy. We have quality family time at weekends, and he never works then (partly why he works longer in the week).

He knows that he would still be unlikely to see the DC in the week if we moved closer to his new job, and that I might not be able to find a job. I struggle to make new friends and am so happy where we are. He wants us to be happy, and we both know that he enjoys his job and would be unhappy if he turned down a promotion that he would have worked so hard for.

We've moved in the past for his job (before DC) where I ended up in a job I hated, struggling to make friends as job was nowhere near new home. He felt so guilty for making us move (even though it was a joint decision). I know it is different now we have DC but we know that this is what we would do if and when the promotion comes up.

I know it is slightly different as we are already used to him being away 1-2 nights a week but we would both jump at the chance of the working pattern that you are describing, the opportunity to have more than 2 days off in a row and to see more of the DC.

Good luck with your decision and hope it works out for you.

I don't know why people are discussing the house move, it's irrelevant. The OP has said that she's not doing it.

The question up for debate isn't whether or not they move, it's whether or not he works away.

By coming back and making the choice between moving and him working away the OP has changed the goalposts and is completely ignoring the other option - things staying put as they are. Which is conveniently what she has been doing to her husband as well...