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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want dp to work away rather than us move for promotion?

142 replies

smuggler · 09/01/2014 22:15

Dp is doing really well in his career and has been told he's next in line for promotion. Promotion would mean working elsewhere but within the same county. He'd have to be near work for the duration of his work days (four per week) so commuting isn't an option. He wants us to move but our eldest is settled in school here, has friends, we all like the area etc. There are three more potential promotions in years to come before he's at the top of his game and it's very likely he'd have to move each time. Aibu to want him to work away for promotion and to only consider moving for the final one? He says he'd miss us too much and would rather leave the promotion than work away but while I want him to take it, I don't want to uproot the kids.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/01/2014 23:36

Wants to move

PigletJohn · 09/01/2014 23:37

Giles, I am delighted, but astonished, that none of your friends are divorced, separated or having affairs. Well done on your choice of friends.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 09/01/2014 23:38

I was going to say exactly the same as Chipping.

Tbh I'd jump at the opportunity of having dh home 3/4 full days a week (and away the rest of the time) as opposed to coming home each night at 10pm. He would see much more of us that way!

anothernumberone · 09/01/2014 23:43

We moved all the time as kids for my dad's job. One time it was 9 months of him living away before we moved that was not nice. I do not see moving in the one country as a big deal. It has its challenges for sure but i personally would rather all be together.

weekendninja · 09/01/2014 23:43

I would not move, particularly with a child with selective mutism. As children my DSIS and I moved to the next town and it affected us badly; both in terms of our self esteem and my DSIS with bullying...The bullying has had an effect on her ever since. To me its just too bigger chance to take.

Your DH needs to take a long think about the priorities. Yes, he could work away - it's a perfectly viable option. The effect if may have on your marriage could well be a good one. DH works away regularly and I love it.

IamInvisible · 09/01/2014 23:43

I've done the moving thing, the living apart coming home at weekends and DH's being away for 4-6 months at a time.

We've moved 8 times in 19 years and DS2 has been to 6 schools, he is now in Yr12.

The one thing that nearly killed our marriage was the living apart during the week. WE made the decision together, it was to keep the DC at school and me in a job I was happy in. The DC and I had our little routine, DH would come back at weekends, and tbh he didn't just slot back in because he was too used to being a single man again, and we were too used to coping without him.

I started to resent the fact that he was able to go out, go to the gym, do what he liked when I couldn't even have a shower in peace. When the children were ill, it all fell back to me. I had to do all the parents evenings and school plays etc. I wasn't a single parent but I felt like one, and I wanted my couple time back too.

We lasted just under a year before we decided of we didn't move as a family quite quickly then we probably would not be a family much longer.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/01/2014 23:45

Tbh if the company is paying or accommodation thy are able to see how it goes for a bit and go from there.

If it works then they can stay here they are and enjoy the time they do have.

If it turns out to be harder than expected then thy can sell up and move.

TimeToPassGo · 09/01/2014 23:46

I think given the amount of time off he'll have it could work well if he lived away, especially if you know he might have to move several times over the next few years. You're not going to want to keep moving every time you get settled. He needs to see that it's more beneficial to have a happy, settled family to come home to for 7 out of every 14 days. He'll actually get a lot of quality time with you all.

Thants · 09/01/2014 23:46

Ask him to look for a new job closer to home!

NorthernLurker · 09/01/2014 23:47

My dh frequently works away for some or all of the week. So far this month he's been at home for 3 days, away for 3, home tomorrow then away Sunday night to Thursday night. I manage fine and nobody is indulging in shaggeryfuckery as a result.
It's not sensible for the Op to uproot 4 kids every time a promotion comes up. Her dh can work away for 4 days at a time (which is frankly nothing in the scheme of things).

landrover · 09/01/2014 23:54

I speak as a child who moved schools constantly, it was hideous and I blame my parents constantly for my education being constantly disrupted (40 years on!!)

Toecheese · 09/01/2014 23:55

He'd basically be sleeping in a different location 2 days one week (the week he works 3 days) and three days the next week (the week be works 4 days). It's not like he will be away 5 nights a week, it seems that he will only be away the equivalent to a long weekend each week. My DH has to be on site in London for a short time each week and is away two nights a week. Its perfectly manageable. Quite nice to have a night on your own each week and nice to have friends over for meal or a film also. My DH on the other hand catches up with his friends and sleeps in a lovely little B&B without disruption from babies and toddlers. We love each other deeply and spend lots of nice time together but have never lived intensely in each others pockets. We both have different hobbies.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/01/2014 23:57

So 3 options:-

He moves alone
You all move
He turns down the promotion

How about you each veto the option you hate most and go for the one that is left?

Toecheese · 09/01/2014 23:59

My education and friendships were also disrupted every 2 years as a child. It meant that I slowly built friendships each time and then they ended each time while I was comfortable and happy and settled.

JohnCusacksWife · 10/01/2014 00:02

Poor guy....he doesn't want to live apart from his family and somehow he's getting flamed/blamed for that? Either agree he takes the promotion and be prepared to move or agree he doesn't take the promotion and all stay together. Why should he take the promotion and be apart from his family if he doesn't want to be??

Toecheese · 10/01/2014 00:03

He's only going to sleep away 2 nights one week and 3 nights the next week. He wouldn't normally see the kids anyway as he arrives home late. I think you should trial it and see how things go. He's only away for a minimal time period.

Toecheese · 10/01/2014 00:05

I don't think he's being flamed or blamed by the way.

JohnCusacksWife · 10/01/2014 00:22

Bottom line is it's his life and career. If he doesn't want to work away from his family then he doesn't have to. Would you want to live apart from your DC 4 days a week? I know I wouldn't and think it's a shame that a lot of people seem to think that he should do so just because he's the Dad.

vulgarwretch · 10/01/2014 00:29

My dh works away during the week at the moment, the plan is that we join him at the end of the school year. This will be our third move in 6 years. I'm finding planning for the move massively stressful, and I only have 2 children - but researching neighborhoods, applying to private schools, investigating state schools is actually a lot of work. I have found each move progressively harder and I hope to god we never move again. The living apart during the week does not help at all with the planning of course.

My children have coped very well with our moves (international at ages 4 and 2, 250 miles at ages 8 and 6) and I do think that the majority of young children are likely to do fine. But most isn't all and I think you have a very real cause for concern about your eldest.

And it's not just about your children but you as well. What do you want for yourself? Whatever it is, will a move every few years make it hard to achieve?

How serious do you think your dh is about refusing a promotion rather than living away from you? If he really means it (which I don't think is necessarily a given, although he probably thinks he does) then in your position I would compromise on moving for the next promotion on the understanding that you wouldn't move the family again for a minimum of 5 years. Or whatever number feels right to you. Presumably all these promotions aren't guaranteed anyway? You might move once and then that's it!

SeaSickSal · 10/01/2014 00:40

Bollocks Chippingin. If she wanted him to take the job just because that was what was important to him then she would be equally accepting when he said his family was more important.

The OP seems to be ignoring what he says is important and telling him that in fact she knows better than him.

He's told her that he doesn't want to work away. Whatever his perception of that time with his children (and wife) it obviously means more to him than can simply be dismissed by someone on the internet as 'five minutes before bedtime'. If he's prepared to pass up a promotion it obviously means a great deal to him.

And he does have a backbone. He's told her he doesn't want to take the promotion if it means working away. It's not his fault of she won't stop banging on about it. He seems to have made his feelings abundantly clear but the OP won't take no for an answer.

What is wrong with some of the bloody women on here? He's said he doesn't want to work away, why the fuck should he if he doesn't want to?

PigletJohn · 10/01/2014 01:14

I think Mumoftwoyoungkids has it.

Unless OP gets two vetoes and DH gets none.

Christmas2013 · 10/01/2014 01:15

I completely agree with seasicksal. I am honestly utterly confused by the majority of posts on here. Why on earth should the OP be allowed to effectively throw her DH out of the family home 2 or 3 nights a week to take a promotion that she thinks is good for him (and will presumably have the happy side effect of producing more money for her and the kids) when he has said he would rather turn it down than spend the time away from her and the family?

Yes, I'm sure commuting is do-able if that's what all parties are happy to do. I'm also sure that moving families can work for some people too. In this case neither seem to be supported by the complete family unit so the other option is not to take the promotion - surely that's a valid choice too?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/01/2014 01:34

I don't think it sounds too extreme op, the way you are describing it he'd have more family time, not less.

The only downside is travelling time.

Perhaps he is worried about leaving you to cope with everything and keep the home fires burning?

He might turn down the promotion, but equally he might get bitter about it later down the line. It might also cut him off from a promotional offer again further down the line.

It's massively stressful moving - we moved four times in four years and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even when we did move DH had to work away sometimes.

I think you'd be best sitting down and writing a pros and cons list each, then discussing it. How long does he have to decide?

Divorce rates do tend to be higher in the forces, but it's not comparable IMHO. There are a lot more factors - length of time away, age of relationship when married, rushing into marriage due to the restrictions on non married relationships, stress of the type of job etc.

wobblyweebles · 10/01/2014 01:44

Dh turned down a fantastic job recently because it would have meant either uprooting the family (which I vetoed) or him being away from home Mon to Fro (which he vetoed).

You can't have everything and it matters that everyone is happy.

Terrortree · 10/01/2014 02:44

These days, with Skype and Facetime, working away isn't so bad.

My husband works away for three months at a time.

We watch TV "together" - mostly sports events as we're in different timezones. We go 'shopping' on line together and other really bizarre things you'd never think about doing if you lived together, just do it via the phone! I'd encourage you to stay where you've established a support network to manage your four as you need it.

Also, perhaps you could ask him to 'trial' it for six months and if he hasn't settled then into a new routine, then consider moving down to be with him. That way you don't say 'no' but you give yourselves every opportunity to adapt to the change.

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