to not want the OW at my child's football match?

[Yogagirl17]

Am I within my rights to tell XH that he has no fucking right to bring OW to our DC's football match? I would like to watch my son play football and don't think I should have to set eyes on her skanky face in order to do it?

Sorry - realised I did ask in my OP if I had the "right" to tell her to stay away. However, after initial rant don't quite see it that way.

FWIW Yogagirl the hardest thing post split for me was my DCs involvement with OW and it took me a lot longer to accept than the actual split !

Like everything it gets easier though

YUBU. There are always two sides to everything. It is far better for all concerned if you can all be adult, civilised people. Sounds like you're jealous!!

Thing is, the more a dumped person throws unreasonable tantrums over their XP's new partner, the more everyone else thinks 'blimey, no wonder that person got dumped. S/he is totally self-obsessed and a loser with it.'
And it's hell for any DC involved.

If you get dumped, you have to suck it up. You're not entitled to own another human being and everyone has the right to end a relationship for any reason they choose. It isn't nice to be dumped, sure. But you don't die of it. And being dumped isn't a free pass to be a lifelong 'Boohoo what about MEEEE' at every social event.

My what a charming post SGB

SGB is right though. Especially about the children.

You simply cannot model self-indulgent petty behaviour regarding new partners. It makes the DC fearful and they begin to lie to protect the parent who's wailing loudest.

Of course it's shit being dumped. But it's hurt feelings not life-threatening.

I know how you feel op but you can't do anything about it.
I used to see these moments as an opportunity to show how very gorgeous and dignified I was in spite of their treatment of me.
Trust your bond with your child,
Nobody can infiltrate that.

SGB is right; it's not about the ex-partners or current partners, it's about the children.

Sparkly's earlier post made me shudder at the thought of 'warpaths'. If I were an ex - whether I'd been the cheating partner or not - I'd ignore any such posturing. Nobody has the right to 'square up to' anybody else, (verbally or physically) and that post almost sounded like a boastful 'I still have control'. Pathetic.

I'm glad it worked out for you Yogagirl; it is the shape of things to come though and I think you should be prepared for that. Whether this woman is the OW or not, she's now your ex's partner and has been for some time.

Tiredandsadmum - you CAN limit those appointments about LD's, and even standard parent's evenings to JUST those that have PR for your DS. Data protection deems that if you refuse permission for her to be involved, the father can't override you. Had to do it myself with DS1's OW.

Fuck letting the past be the past. Yeah, I kept my mouth shut and just moaned on here when my DS1's father's OW made life a misery, the woman was a bitch troll from Hell (see 7 years worth of posts by me under various previous NN's), for my DS1's sake, but by fucking CHRIST it was the hardest thing yo do, stay reasonable when I wanted to gouge her fucking eyes out.

At least, finally, DS1's dad has seen sense and left her - but not after the bitch troll turned him into a shell of his former self AND bruised my DS1.

If I bump into her again now...I have the satisfaction of saying EVERYTHING that I've held in for 7 years, as it's fuck all to do with DS1 now.

(DS1 made up his own mind about her over time, anyway, without any input from me. NOBODY who is the OW is a truly 'nice' person, no matter what guff and bollocks they try to tell themselves about how they can't help who they fall in love with or whatever, so eventually the DC's see things for what they really are, even if you are ALWAYS civil...)

It might be 7 years, I might have had 2 relationships since then, but the way that bitch troll ripped my family apart , and then first tried to persuade SS that I was an incapable parent (which went on right up until DS1's father finally left ), then tried to replace me, then becoming threatening towards me when that didn't work, then finally taking that out physically on my DS1, will NEVER be forgotten. And I WILL take GREAT pleasure in telling her that she is going to end up with just what she deserves. Karma is a bitch - and so is your Ex's EX going to Court to provide a witness against her to protect his DC's (my DS1's half sibs, who are GRAVELY at risk from her new partner). He has never hurt DS1. She has. And as I reported it to SS at the time, I have been asked by him to be truthful in court about it.

Yes, he cheated. I'm over that. I'm NOT over the shitty stunts SHE pulled over the years. And I just want to make sure that DS1's (much younger) siblings are protected from her, and her new partner who thinks it's acceptable to leave a machete and an axe in a living room with a preschooler and a toddler (yes, my 11yo took a bloody photo, before he and his father were forced to lock themselves in the toilet and call the police...don't ask!)

It was the first time DS1 had stayed overnight at his Dad's in over a year, and that was the impetus for him to leave her. No, I didn't know how bad it had got. TBH, nor did his dad.

I don't think it's anything to do with being dumped.

It's to do with some people dating people with children and deciding "we're FAMILY now" no matter if there are other breathing, living parents who deserve consideration.

The gf or bf insisting on their rights and the mum or dad forced to acquiesce because its 'all about the children' isnt going to make a long term happy scenerio.

it might be better if step parents sometimes just thought my role here is to love my partner and to support their relationship with the children, the parents can do the rest.

Cowthy - that must have been horrendous!

But it IS all about the children. Their emotions are more important as they do not, have the emotional maturity to broker complex adult emotions (though sadly some seem to be, precisely because of this sort of shit).

DS told me the other day that "Daddy doesn't like [my DP]" they have never met. We [DP and I] met 6 months after our relationship ended. He then said AGE 4 "that made me sad" followed by "[DP] doesn't say that about daddy." It made him sad because he cares very much about DP and DP cares about him. He also cares about his father. He does not want to be put in a position of divided loyalty. It hurts. I never say bad things about the father in front of the children. DS recognized DP wouldn't do that (when DP for a variety of reasons could say a vast amount negative).

It is TOTALLY their father's prerogative not to like DP, but he absolutely should NOT say this to the children or make it clear through his actions. Because it makes them unhappy.

If he met someone else and she wanted to be a big part of DCs life I would be over the fucking moon. Because, I want them to feel loved and supported by all adults, not stuck in the middle of a territory dispute. I would want her to be involved with caring because she would then recognize their father wants to care for and put the children first and that she could not neglect nor sideline either their care or emotions.

What's the alternative? A cold, manipulative woman who turns the father against his children in favour of her, who hurts your children more? A wicked stepmother type who resents their existence to the point she is cruel to them? Weirdly enough I would want him to meet someone who gave a shit about my children rather than someone who viewed them as an occasional inconvenience.

It's been 2 years! GET A GRIP. I am sure it still hurts, you are perfectly entitled to your feelings, but your children's do come first and if they get get an inkling you don't think their father should be with this woman or that you don't like her and he and they do like her, you risk them being upset in the future and wanting to spend more time with the parent that doesn't express resentment and anger quite so palpably.

I say this from my own childhood experience, as well as my current situation. Good luck. Even though it must be horrid, you owe it to your children to at least TRY and get on.

So yes, YABU.

There is an alternative. I'm constantly amazed that people pretend it's either a wicked step mother versus Mary poppins. Absolutely bizarre that people can't imagine a middle way of creating a warm and loving environment around the kids AND respecting the exisiting parents.
Absolutely bizarre that people think muscling in and taking over is the way to go.

I know lots of successful step families and the ones that are were all considerate of the other parents, respectful, took their time, didnt hurry it, didnt force it, didnt try and replace or compete with anyone, they took the long term view.

other breathing, living parents who deserve consideration.

I think that should be 'living, breathing adults whose children deserve consideration.'

When you have children you HAVE to be the grown up. If you can't manage to, then there are lots of options to help you get things in perspective and protect your children from being horribly damaged by the knee-jerk spite frequently modelled by those blinded by their own hurt feelings.

Of course she will be the grown up. The ex h and the ow not so much,eh.

Couthy, I've read some of your threads in the past, I'm so glad that woman is finally out of your lives!

I would absolutely want to go at the bitch with a broken bottle

I rest my case.

And yes, I have been in that situation.

Wow. It's not about turning the other cheek but it's not about getting on your high horse and trying to control your ex either. I'm assuming that the talk of gouging and bottling comes from a place of hurt and isn't something that would ever be considered in any way appropriate.

I've been in this situation too, it hurts and I've discovered this:

• Believing that Karma exists doesn't mean it does.
• Believe that somebody should get their comeuppance doesn't make it happen - and who knows that you're not the person who it would be levelled at anyway?
• You never, ever owned your partner. You are not the primary person in their life and never were. The child(ren) of your relationship are.
• Being an OW doesn't make you nasty or a skank, ditto being a dumped partner doesn't make you some kind of wonderful Madonna on a pedestal. The generalisations chucked around are ludicrous.
• Your children are very likely to pick up on your bitterness, no matter how much you think you deserve a back-pat for successfully hiding it from them; you aren't.
• If you have children, consideration is given to them - if you get it also, that's a bonus, but you don't get to demand it because you don't have control of anybody else but you.
• If you seek revenge, first dig too graves... I think Confucius said that; it's very true.

The terrific job that you think we're doing as parents will be evident as our children grow. It's up to us whether we heap our 'been wronged' crap on our children and make them carry it around. They'll suffer for it and we'll get that message from them loud an clear when they're older. Why risk it? Some posters are obviously still really cut up and could do with some good counselling - for their children's sake if not for their own.

Totally agree with Fitzgeralds post; that poor boy. Why would any parent do this to their child?

there are lots of options to help you get things in perspective and protect your children from being horribly damaged by the knee-jerk spite frequently modelled by those blinded by their own hurt feelings.

Please expand...

Id feel exactly the same OP. When I split with my ex years ago he wanted to bring his ex to the school play, and I kicked off about it. Why the hell should I be pleasant about seeing 2 people who'd had an affair, presenting themselves as a family in front of my face, and in front of our child, and in front of parents and teachers who would know situation immediately if he were to turn up with someone else, and Id made no public announcement about it? Thats what galled me the most..that the 2 of them would want to turn up, then myself & DCs would be the subject of gossip, some of which could reach DCs ears and make them feel bad. In the end the OW backed down which I think was the sensible thing in the circumstances. I eventually got on with her surprisingly enough, but many years later. We're not friends, but we are civil. Its my ExH who's the idiot, and theyre not happy. Im happy with my lovely OH now. But back at that time - no, it wouldnt have worked. Not having my DCs co-erced into meeting anybody.

Good luck OP - hold your head high.Say a very brief hello, blankfaced, then dont be anywhere near them.

My task for today will be to find a way - any way - to insert face like a grieving cod into all RL convos I have today

In fact I think you should have that phrase in mind if you do come face to face with the OW, OP. Might put things into perspective & you can maybe have a laugh to yourself...may as well try

"Being an OW doesn't make you nasty" - yes, quite often it does.

Nasty people are nasty people, Sparkly, sometimes they're OW, sometimes they're not.