to not want the OW at my child's football match?

[Yogagirl17]

Am I within my rights to tell XH that he has no fucking right to bring OW to our DC's football match? I would like to watch my son play football and don't think I should have to set eyes on her skanky face in order to do it?

[BlingBang]

They are being really insensitive Op, I feel for and I know I'd feel exactly the same. Yes, you should take the higher ground and act like it is nothing but I çan imagine how hard this is for you. Hope it works out and hope if she goes the weather is fucking miserable and she is bored, soaked and freezing. Happy to put up with the shitty weather for my kids, would rather not have to do it for someone elses.

[MiniMonty]

Just march boldly up and ask if she can explain the off side rule - when she stumbles just tut, grin and walk away.

[jammygem]

YABU but I can see why you would be upset.

If XH and OW have spent Christmas together with the kids, and they're serious about the relationship, then I can completely understand why she would want to go to support your son. I don't think it's about being there for your XH but to build up a relationship with her DP's son. Whether you like it or not, she is now part of your DS's life, and it's much better for him to get on with his new "Step mother" than to hate her.

I know it's hard and really upsetting for you, but think of what's best for your DS rather than focusing on your XH and OW.

[jellybeans]

Do you think she actually wants to watch your son or is scared to let him out on his own/ wants to make a point etc?

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

Hope you are ok, op.

[OldDaddy]

For years and years (including my adult life) I had to suffer my parents playing the "not going if they are going" game. Dad refused to attend brothers wedding without new partner, mum refused to attend my wedding as dad was bringing partner.

As a result various grandparents didn't attend either. What should have been the biggest day for my brother and I - and our partners spoiled because parents couldn't stop thinking about themselves.

So to be blunt, and apologies if this is upsetting but stop thinking about yourself and think about your kids. What starts with a football match could spiral out of control and eventually be things like graduation, engagement parties weddings and so on. Separation is tough especially when there are other parties involved but the moment you become a parent you cease to be the most important person.

It took me and my brother to have to bluntly and loudly tell this to them to sort things out. Eventually everyone managed to attend my daughters christening a few years ago. And although I've forgiven them for the years of selfishness I've not forgotten how much anger this has brought over the years.

[Ginocchio]

OP, sorry but I think YABU. Setting aside the way that they got together (and the understandable hurt that that has caused you), they have been together for 2 years now, & she is part of your DS's life. If you don't accept that, you'll only be hurting your son. If you change your plans because she's going, then your sowing the seeds for making your DS choose between you & your XH.

People saying "do she realise it'll be cold", "get her to explain the offside rule" - OW has children of her own, and does it really matter whether she knows what to expect? Is that part of the entry requirement for supporting someone? I don't know what the offside rule is either; should I stay away from my son's football matches?

Obviously we don't know the motivation for her wanting to go, but if they've just spent Christmas together, it may be that she actually wants to show support for OP's DS, as she feels that she is part of his life?

I'm not belittling the pain that you've had to go through, but you need to accept that this is the situation and find a way to deal with it, for the sake of your DS.

[LessMissAbs]

YANBU. She can go where she likes, and its surely your ex you shouldn't want to see, as his "wronging" of you is more direct to you, IYSWIM.

Obviously its a horrible situation, but theres a lot to be said about taking the mystery out of her and seeing their relationship as mundane. Try to see her as having done you a favour and now being unlucky enough to be stuck with a cheat, and having to stand watching football matches in the cold so show some kind of front to be with him.

I think the gushing, overly pseudo nice comments are quite funny as well. Act the bigger person, keep your dignity and you will always be the winner.

[TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking]

Then out of the blue I get a text from XH saying ever so casually, they are going too and would I like him to take DS.

That sounds like they were going anyway? Does Your exH's Partner have a child playing in the match?

[allmycats]

Do not ask him to choose between you and her, he has already done this. You need to think of your son and only him in this situation - go to the match, nod politely to them and walk away, as said, there is a lot of space around a football pitch. Please DO NOT lower yourself to make any kind of 'remark' to her. You are going to watch your son play in a match, it is totally irrelevent who else is there.

[LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot]

Best revenge is to turn up, looking and being fab, cheering on your DS, happy and smiling.

Not giving a flying fuck about a cheating scumbag and a woman with less than perfect morals.

Be grateful that she has taken that lying wankbadger off your hands and you can have new adventures, shes stuck with that idiot, until he cheats on her too.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

Let her cling to your Ex as hard as she likes, for fear of him doing to her what he did to you.

Just don't cede any ground, or create any 'I'm not going if she goes' wars, because it is your children who will suffer, like Ginocchio. Please go to the match, even if you know it is going to be really really hard. There had to be a first time, but I hope it gets easier from here on in.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

Of course YANBU in not wanting her there. YANBU for not wanting her even to live, but YABU in a) persisting in calling her the other woman. She's your ex's new partner, and potentially your children's step-parent, and hard as that might be, expressing your bitterness is just going to hurt your children in the end. b) thinking that you have the right to tell your ex husband where he can and cannot take his new partner.

My parents divorced when I was 6 and I know my Mum hurt for a long time. But I still cringe and feel uncomfortable even now (am 48) when she slags my Dad and his wife off. It's just undignified.

Hold your head high, look drop dead gorgeous, and have a visible good time while you are in their presence. If your eyes meet, a withering look of pity will suffice.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Aggravating and tiresome but you go and don't let their game playing spoil your DS's match. Easy for me to say but the dread of seeing them playing happy couple at a public event is going to be much worse than the reality. It is sickening but the first time will be the worst and after that, a bit easier. It's not like you have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about, take a friend for support.

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

Well said OldDaddy.

[deXavia]

Whilst I understand how you feel, in the nicest possible way this is so not about you, your ex or the OW... OldDaddy has it right.

Please don't put your kids into this position. I am unbelievably proud and in awe of my mother who had every reason to hate my Dad and his multiple OW including the one he married. She didn't - she stood above it and I was 30 before I once heard her bad mouth him and even that was done jokingly (she figured I had enough life experience myself by then to cope!). Why did she do this because her Parents divorced and she had to put up with an on going battlefield of misery, snide comments and choosing between them. Your DS is not just YOUR kid, he is also your EX's.

You hate her, you are reeling from their new found "couple status" I get all that but don't put your kids in the position of having to choose or lie to placate people. As OldDaddy says one football match soon escalates. Stand at the other end of the pitch (not opposite that would be hell!), cheer loudly, take your DS for a celebratory lunch afterwards and hug him tight. If you have to cry into a pillow or rant on MN later then do so but for your DS's sake don't make this about the 3 of you.

[ElsieMc]

Of course YANBU for goodness sake. Who on earth would be happy about this in the real world and what about the OP's son? How he feels should come first and I don't think he would want to feel awkward and he is likely to notice the tension and pick up on your unhappiness.

Although you cannot probably keep her away, it shows enormous insensitivity on the part of your ex.

I know you will both want to see him play so do try to come to some arrangement either alternate matches or she stays away. She is not his parent.

[wellthatsdoneit]

Hope you are ok OP.

I cannot think of anything worse than having to be in this situation. I feel completely violated by what my ex did to me and it takes enormous dedication not to let the strength of those emotions consume me. Thankfully he lives in another country so it's not something I have to face at the moment (although it brings other problems, like not being able to involve the CSA so he hasn't paid a bean in maintenance). I dread the whole 'wedding' scenario listed above though.

I wish you strength and solace.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

I just wanted to add that the GF possibly thinks she is a big part of DS life, she thinks she is building up a relationship with your son. Let her think that. The thing is, to your son, she will always just be background noise, hopefully, kind and friendly background noise, but nothing much more than that while he has you, the loving mother on the scene.

DH is a wonderful stepdad to ds, but I know that DS would throw him off the cliff without a moments hesitation if it came down to a choice between him and his dad!
Similarly, DSS likes me, we go on holidays, we have fun, but of course, his mum comes first.
DS likes his step-mum - I think she's brill and lovely too - but I am the one in his heart. Be confident that you are that with your DS too. It makes no difference who ends up going to the football.

[jellybeans]

OldDaddy is right about the potential affects as my DH has this situation with his parents and a friend of mine was in tears on the wedding day because his parents were so estraged and angry towards each other. However it was the person who cheated that caused all this emotional hell for the other person and sometimes if you haven't been through it yourself you really don't know the horrific pain involved. You can't just switch off emotions. Maybe if the cheats kept it in their pants, and put kids and their family first, this wouldn't have happened?

[Sadoldbag]

Why don't you ask son if he's happy with her being there as it's really up only his view that counts

[AngelaDaviesHair]

Sorry, I meant to refer to OldDaddy in my post, not Ginocchio.

[BrickorCleat]

but stop thinking about yourself and think about your kids. What starts with a football match could spiral out of control and eventually be things like graduation, engagement parties weddings and so on. Separation is tough especially when there are other parties involved but the moment you become a parent you cease to be the most important person.

This is so true.

Try counselling to try and manage some of your anger and bitternes. The only people whom you'll make suffer if you carry on with this are you and your DS.

Please try, for his sake, to disengage and make the situation less volatile.

It won't go away but you can change your attitude and start to come to peaceful terms with your life and those in it

Best of luck.

[CaterpillarCara]

I totally, completely, 100% understand why you don't want her there. I feel for you and sympathise. The situation sucks and you have every right to be pissed off, miserable, and hoping they would move to Timbuktu.

But as a child of divorced parents married to someone with divorced parents please read, re-read, re-read and re-read OldDaddy's message. This is exactly how it will end up if you go down the avoiding each other path. It will be pure hell. My MIL did it, and I can tell you that even now (thirty years later!) there are so many things she misses out on in her children's and grandchildren's lives because the whole family has got used to inviting one or other. I think by now she wouldn't mind sometimes being in the same place, but the "which one shall we ask" habit has been set. And to be honest, often her children avoid their home town at times like Christmas to get away from the "who are you going to choose" pressure. All the time I see my DH in distress because he is so pulled between them by his mother. The only argument I have ever had with any of my ILs was with a BIL over a "who shall we choose" dilemma. It is horrible.

My own mother did not choose this path when my father ran off. She has had a much happier outcome in terms of involvement in her children's and grandchildren's lives. She very early on took a pragmatic decision that she would have to tolerate her ex and his OW for the sake of her own relationship with her own children - by not ever making us choose between them. I know this often hurt like hell and was hugely difficult to manage. But she would tell you it was worth it, and as her child I agree.

So horrible, difficult and unfair as it may be, I do think that the long game, for you, means sucking it up. Have you got a friend who would go and stand with you? Big takeaway coffee each and plenty of gossip?