to not want the OW at my child's football match?

[Yogagirl17]

Am I within my rights to tell XH that he has no fucking right to bring OW to our DC's football match? I would like to watch my son play football and don't think I should have to set eyes on her skanky face in order to do it?

OP, Please don't turn into someone like my MIL who didn't feel able to sit on the top table with FIL , even at different ends, because it was the same table or even appear in the same official photo of the grooms side of the family (Yes, I have two copies of the grooms side of the family) - DH would have loved just one photo of his side of the family, with both parents. As it is he doesn't like either photo, as he feels some one is missing.

Just saying. x

Agree with OldDaddy, however hard it might be, it's not about you anymore when you have a child.

I think the suggestion of referring to your ex husband's farting and snoring is ridiculous and sounds like 'sour grapes'. In denigrating him this way you demean yourself... after all, you married him, endured these er... emissions, and the decision to end the marriage wasn't yours so to bring up these defects is just silly.

Grit your teeth and be there for your son without engaging in any game-playing. Your ex sounds as if he was going to be there anyway, with his partner. What you do is of no consequence to him. Make that work the other way around too.

... and you have no right to veto anybody's attendance anywhere at any time, as much as you might wish to. Please don't even start that as it is your son who will suffer.

Id like to say that I do think you have the right to veto her presence. And yes, she did you a huge huge wrong. Why should she be there? I think your x is disgustingly insensitive. Maybe in time you can begin to deal with her, but if your not ready, why should you? Why shouldn't you be listened to? Bet the moralless cow has no real interest in being on a cold pitch for two hours anyway. Makes me cross for you. Keep calm and good luck x

Seriously what's all this suck it up advice??? He knew what he was doing when he started an affair, and this woman attending dc special events is just not fair.

OP can't control whether this woman attends or not. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, she has no right at all. It is insensitive, no doubt about that. OP needs coping strategies, I think, rather than a rah-rah of cheerleaders giving impotent advice.

We all know it's a horrible situation, it's a given.

I think because a child's football match is not a special event - it's a run of the mill part of the child's life and a public one at that. Also think that fair doesn't necessarily come into it (even if in a perfect world it should!) it's about the best interests of the child. I don't necessarily think that them attending the child's footie is in his best interests but in the future for actual special events it will be in the child's best interest if all the adults in his life can be in a room together.

The suck it up advice, if you look, is from the point of view of people who have been the children in this situation. We are now adults, but are remembering (and in many cases, still experiencing) the feelings and hurts.

Yes the OW did something terrible. She may well be a moral-less cow with no interest in a cold game. None of it is fair. The XH may is probably disgustingly insensitive.

That is actually all by the by though, as we're talking about how the OP's son may feel now and in the future, and trying to put that side across so she can look at the bigger picture. It is the best effort we can make at being a voice from her son's future - she can ignore it, of course, but I hope she listen to it first.

I can go even further than olddaddy in that my parents have not been in the same room in nearly 35 years. The hurt that their behaviour has caused my sibling and I has been devastating and it now affects our children who are now adults.

Whilst I understand how you feel, you need to put your child first. Don't think for one minute that children don't pick up on what is going on around them.

I can't see why your ex would care whether you are at your son's football match or not so I'm not sure why you'd want to give him an ultimatum along those lines. Clearly he didn't care about you enough to not go off and have an affair.

If I were you I would be the grown up here not engage in an argument with your ex that you will lose and which will leave you feeling more upset. The only loser then will be your son.

I would not do it, I would see no need to be there at the match.

Its in considerate and nasty and totally un necessary.

You will not find sympathy on MN though op,

There was a tremendous thread once where a poster suggested a new mother express her own breast milk, so it could be given to the OW to give the baby whilst the ow co slept with her new born and the father.

Having read a little more of the thread I think you have some decent advice there.

You cannot change the situation but you can change yourself.
As a parent I agree you have to squash your feelings and be the better stronger person for as people have said the long term game.

I agree with you yoga! Im a stepmum to three( not the Ow may i add) however i have always tried not to step on their mums toes. Any school plays etc dh has been too i would never go as i think its overstepping the mark.

My eldest stepdaughter is now 23 and im already worried about when she marries as i dont want any tension on her day.

I would imagine she wants to go as she knows you will be there and doesnt want your ex chatting to you etc.

It doesn't matter why the OW wants to go. That is for the OP to rant, rave, discuss, moan about with friends or on here - it is annoying and galling and horrible and insensitive and uncomfortable and more.

I still think that for the OP's own sake and for her children's that the right advice is to go herself anyway. She can stick pins in a voodoo doll before, after and during the experience (doll in pocket?) - but each time she is in the same place as the OW it will be easier, and eventually, if they last, she may be doing it at a time which really matters.

If the ex-H and OW are not going to be as sensitive as you are Pesca, the OP (and Mumsnet) are not going to make them so.

I agree caterpillar. I think as hard as it seems the best thing to do is hold your head up high and concentrate on your son.

If you see them be polite ,i dont think snidy comments will help. And come and vent on here as i totally get where your coming from .

I'd say "fine, if you want the biggest almighty scene in the history of the world, bring her." I'd never do that to my child obvs but ex has seen me on the warpath and its not pretty, he wouldn't dare do this.

Sparkly what does that achieve though? The most important thing here is both parents watching their son. The children are the only ones who suffer when parents make threats etc.

I'm sure Dad would be able to come alone wouldn't he?

I would not do this to the father of my children because its disrespectful and unnecessary. So I would make that perfectly clear to him and he could make his decision from that.

I get bored to tears sometimes of the "be the bigger person" party line on MN. If people treat you horribly, it's fine to say so and it's fine to tell them. There's being the bigger person and there's being a doormat. Some of the advice on this thread sails pretty close to doormat territory. There is no reason whatsoever for the OW to be there. You assisted in breaking up my marriage, you don't get to ruin my good times afterwards too.

Oh and FWIW nasty people like that don't look at you and think, "goodness me what a dignified and honourable woman she is, wow don't I feel small". They really, really don't, they've pushed a boundary and won, next time it will be something else and you'll keep being sidelined and suppressing your fury for the sake of the moral high ground that no one notices or cares about except for you. She's already had the OP's DH, why does she get to keep intruding and making the OP feel crap forever after too?

I am fairly certain I wouldn't be able to have a slanging match on the side of my DSes football match, Sparkly. You may be able to, but I wouldn't, so if I were the OP that wouldn't be an option.

Read my post. "I wouldn't do that to my child obvs".

Ex wouldn't take the risk though.

Well that's you. " seen me on the warpath" A lot of people wouldn't be able to behave like that.

I'm not saying they should.