to not want the OW at my child's football match?

[Yogagirl17]

Am I within my rights to tell XH that he has no fucking right to bring OW to our DC's football match? I would like to watch my son play football and don't think I should have to set eyes on her skanky face in order to do it?

Obviously.

But if you think it's ok to assist in breaking up a marriage where dc are involved then you probably aren't particularly pleasant or honourable.

wellthatsdoneit

Counselling is the obvious way to explore, understand and ultimately manage your feelings when something huge happens to you. It's dealt with in private by a professional and you benefit from learning tools to ensure your behaviour and words do not confuse and add hurt to what your DCs are dealing with. Hopefully you also gain perspective and learn ways to help them manage too.

Reading around the subject, either online or library books if money is tight will enforce the messages so eloquently expressed by lyingwitch.

Talking care of your physical health, avoiding booze and sugar and getting plenty of fresh air helps stop the obsessive thoughts and makes you emotionally stronger too.

Behaving in an unhinged vengeful manner where DC witness it is more damaging that many people realise. They are traumatised even further. I really believe as the parent you need to behave yourself and yes, that includes acting like a dignified grown-up.

Firstly I think it's very easy to take the moral high ground if you've not experienced the pain that an affair/break up causes.
By the time it happened to me I had suffered cancer, a very poorly child, dv (previous partner) and many if life's trials.
I'm well known for being pretty resilient and strong.
However, when I found out he'd cheated and that mine and my children's lives were going to change massively triggered a chain of responses I'd never have expected.
Yes I was bitter and angry, murderous at times even,
I also lost four stones in weight and was a non sleeping nervous wreck.
Not particularly irrational IMO.
Any other life changing, traumatic and shocking events which happen to a person are treated with sympathy and understanding but repeatedly I hear women (or men) being told to "suck it up" or "get over it"
The truth is that's easy to say but in reality is a lot harder to do.

Looking back over the thread I can't see anything like you describe in your last paragraph lying.

Yes it is, Ledkr, very easy to say, very difficult to do. Even if you have been in that situation; people reach their 'zen point' at different stages.

... and again, Sparkling, I can't see where I said that they were on this thread.

It just hits some people in a way that makes them behave or react differently to how you'd imagine.
I'd like to see a bit more understanding of this on these boards.
You'd never say to anyone who's suffered a traumatic event "get over it" people react in different ways.
It's fucking horrible when they turn up at family events all loved up and with the in laws while you stand there all alone boiling with resentment.
Personally i think a bit if sensitivity from ex partners would go a long way.

Well said Ledkr. The lack of empathy is astounding.

I've acknowledged that, Ledkr. There are always events that are traumatic, to varying degrees.

It would be fantastic if ex partners could always behave in a decent and considerate manner, particularly if there are children involved, but that's just not the reality in all cases, is it? What IS reality is that the children of the relationship need to be protected from the angst NO MATTER WHAT.

To a child, they will (hopefully) just know that their parents are not together anymore, they won't know the ins and outs (unless the parent is remarkably self-absorbed), they will take their lead from the parents and it's up to the parents to do their best to ensure that their child can do that without feeling torn or upset or pulled in different directions.

I have plenty of empathy for women who've been hurt and I've said so to the OP. A few of the posters have made my jaw drop and I really hope that they're just venting here. Sympathy isn't what they need, they need counselling before they do some real damage.

Well you described that as a situation, which made me think that was your perception of this thread.

Agree entirely with Ledkr.

I've never said that I wasn't angry at DS1's dad in the past. And if the OW hadn't been such a Grade-A bitch towards both my son and me, over the years, I would have gotten over her involvement a long time ago. It's not the fact that she was the OW that bothers me now, but how many things she has done to hurt my DS1. The latest of which is that she has emptied the bank account he had at his Dad's (she was able to do that as her name was on the account).

He had saved up £120 of his Birthday and Christmas money in that account, that he had received from his Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles on his Dad's side go the family.

He was saving up for a secondhand PS3.

So he didn't miss out, I bought him a secondhand one for Christmas, but it has left me struggling financially, so yet again, I've been left to clear up that bitch's mess for my DS1's sake...

Believe me, I've many reasons to hate her - the fact that she was the OW is so far down the list as to be unimportant these days!

Couthy... Sorry but where was your ex husband in all this? HE put his children at risk from a psycho, from what you've posted.

... and before that, your son's dad stood by and watched this 'Grade A' bitch behaviour. I can understand that you truly dislike the OW, and you certainly have grounds for that, but how does your fury not extend to your ex given that he put his child in harm's way on multiple occasions?

It's very far from the OP's scenario and I know it's the one that you know because it happened to you (and I'm sorry, it sounds horrific), but OP's situation (hopefully) is very different and OW is just ex's partner.

lying just so you know, on not necessarily addressing you.
I just feel in general people are expected to be all stuff upper lip about break ups and its not always possible.
Experts have likened break ups to bereavement and you would ever tell a widow to "get over it"
It was personally the worst hurt/trauma I've ever faced.
Add to that watching my sons failing at school or developing a drug habit and my baby dd developing mouth ulcers and extreme clingy ness and I was at rock bottom.
I was aware as a child sw the impact of my actions upon the dc which is why I never slated him or told them about ow (older ones new as she was their friend)
I saved my wine drinking, chain smoking meltdowns for when I was alone but ultimately it was THEM who had caused such hurt to the children not me.
My x luckily had the good sense not to bring ow to family events for a good while as he knew it was inappropriate for everyone involved.
Ten yrs later I am very kind to ow and looked after their dd when she had dd2, they come to parties here and I but them gifts but this took time to get to and I will never forget how terrible it all made me feel and the extreme feelings it provoked in me.

I have dealt with my Ex-H. His perception of the situation was unfortunately skewed by the physical, mental, emotional and financial abuse he was on the receiving end. We have discussed this , and it was the reason why my DS1 spent a year NOT having contact at his Dad's house. His Dad did not know that his (then) partner had devised yo choose the weekend that he was having his first overnight contact with DS1 in over a year to move her new boyfriend into the house while he was still living there - that was the night he found out about her new boyfriend !

It was a cock up by my Ex-H, yes, a lapse in judgement, but most abused people have that from time to time, and he was unaware of his then partner 's plan to move her OM into the house that night, as he was unaware until that point that there WAS an OM.

If he could have done things differently, he would have.

On MN, there seems yo be the impression that only women can suffer DV. I can tell you that is totally untrue, and my Ex-H has lived in a DV situation for the last 7 years, and only truly opened his eyes to it that night. He doesn't drive, or he would have brought DS1 home, but he had no money as she controlled all their income, and couldn't even pay for a taxi. She even ripped the cord out of their Landline when he tried to ring me about sending DS1 home in a taxi, and her OM smashed his phone. The OM told my DS1 that if he called or texted me or the police on his Phone, he would smash his phone too.

It was a God-Awful situation, which I am thankful for my Ex-FIL sorting out and rescuing them, but I don't blame my Ex-H for that, I blame his ex partner and her OM.

His Ex could seem perfectly reasonable and sane to most people , most of the time. The fact that she wasn't was hard for my Ex-H to see at times.

I also feel guilty that I allowed DS1 to go there, and end up in that situation. But he missed his Dad, we had been gradually building up to overnights, as before contact stopped, his Dad shared care 60/40. Due to how much he was missing him, I let him go for the overnight stat. The bitch had been pleasant and 'normal' towards DS1 during daytime visits that gad been gradually building up to a reintroduction of overnight stays, nobody could have foreseen her decision to move in an OM that night, as nobody knew she had am OM.

Still doesn't mean that both my Ex-H and I aren't feeling incredibly guilty about DS1 being put in that situation though, even though it was of HER doing.

When I met my dh he had sit with his long term gf a few months earlier.
They still had a house to sort out and cats.
They spoke often.
I remember loving him for the discreet way he handled things if she phoned when he was with me.He saw no reason to brag about bring in a new relationship and neither did he.
My x was a twunt but to his credit he didn't rub ow in our faces,let me keep the house and basically tried not to hurt me MORE.
It's a pity more people can't do this for people they once loved isn't it?

You can't stop her but (depending on your relationship with your ex) could you tell him how you feel?

To those of you who are saying "Get a grip, suck it up, stop crying boohoo...". Fuck you. Seriously. Just fuck you. Because if you read the whole thread, you will know that I have been more than dignified throughout. I do not say anything nasty to DCs about XH or OW - I save that for my friends. I willingly agreed to DCs spending the whole of xmas and new year with them and never uttered a peep. Not to the DCs and not to XH. So i'm not constantly throwing tantrums, thanks.

My DCs know who she is and what happened and they know I don't particularly like her. But I have also made it very clear that they are entitled to their own feelings. That it is really OK if they like her. I think they are mature enough to get this.

I do not claim to own another person's life or behaviour and what I did in the end (after venting on here for a bit) was make a request of XH, which he granted. I do know this is the shape of things to come and I AM dealing with it. But in my own time. I love my DCs, i know how much they love their dad and their happiness is my priorty. But I think I also have the right to look after myself and put some boundaries in place if I need them.

As for OW not being bad people. I disagree. Unless the OW truly doesn't know what she is getting into, it shows a basic lack of morals and respect for other human beings. In my case, OW may be perfectly nice, but she also knew exactly what she was doing. She knew he was married with children. She had been in my position when her own XH cheated on her. And when I met her once, during their affair but before i knew about it, she had the nerve to look me in the face adn thank me for being so supportive of their "friendship". And then she hugged me. So I feel justified in thinking she is basically not a very good person at heart.

As for "being dumped" - I think that being betrayed by your partner of 18 years and who you genuinely thought you would spend your entire life with is more than just shitty. It is truly traumatic and life changing - as some have said, similar to a bereavement. And yes, you..I, still have to get over it and move forward. I am. But not all at once and not on someone else's terms. I am actually a trained counsellor (tho not working as one now) and the one thing I came across over and over were people coming to me after a major life tragedy and saying things like, "but it's been a year, it's been two years or 3 - I thought it would be better by now." I learned that these things often take a lot longer than you think. It doesn't take as long as someone else thinks it should. It takes whatever time YOU need to process it. I'm working on it. I've worked on a lot of it over the last two years. I accept their relationship. I'm starting to accept that she is involved in my children's lives, although that bit is still really hard. And now I will have to work on her having some kind of presence in my own life. But I don't have to do it just because she feels like watching my DS play football (it's not as if I banned her from his wedding!). I will do it when I'm ready.

I also agree with the poster who said that there is no reason the new partners can't show some respect for the other adults involved. If, as folks on here keep pointing out, she is going to be aroudn for a long time to come, then there's no rush.

And I will definitely remember face like a grieving cod when I eventually do come face to face with her again. Am sure it will make me chuckle and she can wonder why.

I prefer ' face like a bulldog chewing a wasp'

Thank you King.

And to Couthy, and others who have been through far worse - who's DCs have been harmed emotionally or physically by exes or ex's partners - god, I am so sorry. That is horrible. XH was very emotionally abusive to me for a long time after we split and that would include things like making up lies about me to DCs to try and get them "on side". But things seem to be moving in a better direction now. Maybe he's had counselling (ha, ha!), maybe he's stopped blaming me for his affair. Who knows, maybe the OW told him to stop acting like such a prick. So while I still don't trust him for a second, I know he does a good job of looking after DCs and I know they are loved and cared for.

Oh, and Ive changed my mind about one thing. If you find out that your mild-mannered chemistry teacher husband is actually a meth dealer...you're allowed to have an affair.

Oh love. You've been through an awful time. Stay strong. You're doing ok.

I think you have made it look to your ex and his new partner, that you are very jealous and emotional about the split.

You should have gritted your teeth and held your head up and got on with the day. It would have made you seem strong. I think saying to him in so many words that you can't cope with seeing them makes you look v weak. Definitely don't do it again if this comes up another time.