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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want the OW at my child's football match?

263 replies

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 20:41

Am I within my rights to tell XH that he has no fucking right to bring OW to our DC's football match? I would like to watch my son play football and don't think I should have to set eyes on her skanky face in order to do it?

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 10/01/2014 23:00

Okay, shall leave it there. No idea what you're saying really then.

Sparklysilversequins · 10/01/2014 23:02

Really? I think I've been quite clear.

I would tell my ex it was unacceptable to bring her considering we three knew the full story.

I am sure he would adhere to that.

I think that keeping the moral high ground is overrated and can end up making you more unhappy and force you to keep accepting the unacceptable.

Is that easier to understand?

Sparklysilversequins · 10/01/2014 23:04

Oh and these are only my opinions only. I don't seek to tell anyone else they should deal with things like this if they don't feel able to.

sunshine401 · 10/01/2014 23:10

2 Years I am afraid shows commitment. She is the girlfriend of your childrens father. As hard as it may be you have to be able to let the past be the past and focus on your children and their best interest. Which unfortunately involves allowing them to develop a healthy relationship with this women who their father is inlove with. Lead by example, show maturity and self respect. It will get easier as time goes by.

Pesca · 10/01/2014 23:19

Sparkly i get where your coming from . As i have seen both sides iv been a stepmum for 12 yrs but also split up from dh for 2 years and had numerous women enter my dds life ,which i dont agree with but i felt powerless. We are now back together . I hated other women being involved but the more i voiced it the worse it got.

MrRected · 10/01/2014 23:22

Yanbu to think this but ywbu to do anything about it.

Get yourself scrubbed up - literally, have a long shower, exfoliate, shave, treat your hair. Wear a nice crisp outfit, makeup and perfume. Go to that football match with your head held high. Greet your scumbag ex and his poor victim with dignity, then focus on your DC.

The best revenge you can exact would be to NOT give him the satisfaction of knowing and seeing your broken heart. Half the time I think these cheating twats get off on the power trip of hurting another.

You CAN do this.

Sparklysilversequins · 10/01/2014 23:28

Pesca that sounds awful. Sounds like there was a lot to forgive in order to be able to get back together. All credit to you Smile.

Pesca · 10/01/2014 23:41

Sparkly im still working on it ! Im not a forgiving person however i want my children to have a proper family(something i never had) .(in the process of googling therapy sessions) .

Original poster
Yogagirl17 · 10/01/2014 23:50

Wow, so many responses since last night. Sorry I haven't been back sooner and sorry if I can't reply to everyone. There are some really thoughtful posts here on both sides.

The outcome is that XH will be there and has agreed not to bring her but has made it clear that she would like to come another time. I don't need to be there every week so I'm happy to stay away from time to time so she can suck up show her support.

I totally take on board what OldDaddy says and I hope that by the time there are really important events in the DCs lives I can face being in the same place with them. But this is new - doesn't matter that it's been 2 years, this whole public parading of her is new to ME and I'm having to process it now.

I also agree with Sparkly that taking the high road can be highly overrated. It just feels like being walk over and I prefer to stand up for myself. I didn't insist that she not come. I didn't tell him she had no right to be there. I just told him that if she was there tomorrow I couldn't be. That's the way it is for now and I feel better for having said it. I have tried hard not to be nasty about XH or OW to DCs - I save that for my friends and family! But for all the well meaning advice on here to show up looking fabulous and not giving a shit, I know I couldn't cope with it at this moment and in this particular situation. There wont' be a lot of people there - just a handful of a parents and no one I'm close with. I will face her at a time when I'm ready and when I know I have some support.

OP posts:
Pesca · 10/01/2014 23:57

Im sorry i have given advice based on my situation , im glad you stood up to him and hey it looks like he respects you as a mother.

(If i had said that im sure a harem of women would of turned up!)

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 11/01/2014 09:16

Good for you, yoga.

Caitlin17 · 11/01/2014 09:48

I've been thinking about this as a good friend of mine found out her husband had been cheating for years with a series of women but then found one he is serious about. They have grown up children who were both really hurt on discovering their father had been behaving like this.

Both children are now married and both without prompting from my friend told her that if their father wanted his new woman (now wife) to be at their weddings she wouldn't be welcome. He attended both without her and to be fair to him and her they didn't suggest she should be there.

Were they right? I think they were. There's been quite a few posts on here about the OW becoming part of OP's children's lives but what is reasonable to expect from children?

Aside from being as polite as one would expect children to be to any person is that as much as should be expected? Parents are obviously expected to be welcoming of their children's choice of partners from day 1 (assuming they are not genuinely awful) but to me that seems far more than is reasonable from children especially children who are still children.

Original poster
Yogagirl17 · 11/01/2014 10:41

Interesting point Caitlin. Mine are 10 & 12 and haven't expressed much of an opinion one way or the other. I think they just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

So...beautiful, cold but sunny morning. Boys lost badly but I made a point of making friends with some of the other parents so if OW ever is there I won't have to stand on my own feeling stupid. Tried to say a polite hello to XH at the end but he ran off. Overall v positive (aside from the score!)

OP posts:
niceguy2 · 11/01/2014 11:04

I'd like to say that I do think you have the right to veto her presence.

No she doesn't. It's a public place, she has no such right at all. Hence all the suck it up advice.

To be honest the root cause here is OP is still understandably bitter about it all. And until she can learn to move on and let go of the anger then her child will probably grow up walking on eggshells.

Clearly that's not good for any child. Or OP for that matter.

You can either let the bitterness eat you up and fight for your 'rights' as you see them. Or you can let it go, move on and be happy. Your choice really.

Sparklysilversequins · 11/01/2014 11:54

He ran off?! Grin

Are they one of those couples? Where he daren't even greet his ex wife with courtesy even when his current squeeze is not around? Maybe that's why she wanted to come? To police the interaction.

BruthasTortoise · 11/01/2014 11:56

Maybe he just doesn't like her. I know my DH and his ex don't exchange pleasantries because it's false and they don't like each other.

Sparklysilversequins · 11/01/2014 11:59

How pathetic. Especially where you share dc.

BruthasTortoise · 11/01/2014 12:00

Pathetic not to like each other? Ok Hmm

Sparklysilversequins · 11/01/2014 12:02

Pathetic to not even nod a greeting. Especially when HE was the one who went off with someone else.

BruthasTortoise · 11/01/2014 12:05

But why would he greet someone he obviously doesn't like? Unless of purse the child was standing with them to and they he should've done so for his son's sake.

BruthasTortoise · 11/01/2014 12:05

Excuse the nearly incomprehensible spelling - one handed and bf. Smile

Sparklysilversequins · 11/01/2014 12:09

Because she's the mother of his dc and if he wants to get to a point where he can bring his GF to these family things then surely it has to start somewhere?

My uncle was married to the mother of my cousins twenty years ago. They split up and he has a GF he's had all that time. His first wife is STILL our aunty, she's our cousin's Mum. Yet he won't even say hello to her and sulks and leaves early if she comes to big family occasions that we invite her to. I do find that really pathetic tbh.

Sparklysilversequins · 11/01/2014 12:10

What I mean to say is it has to start somewhere doesn't it, or it ends up like that.

Original poster
Yogagirl17 · 11/01/2014 12:13

Niceguy - I actually never said I had the "right". I didn't "veto" her presence, I said that...for now...I don't want to be where she is.

As for XH running off, he was taking to DS after the match, i started to walk in their direction and XH took off the other way. Sometimes he is friendly, sometimes not. What can u do.

OP posts:
BruthasTortoise · 11/01/2014 12:14

Well yes you have a point and it would be better for all involved if they could get along. But it just doesn't sound like that is the case for the OP. I'm sorry if I took you're first point up wrong, I just wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that it's the other woman preventing the ex from exchanging pleasantries - there's every chance that it's simply that he doesn't want to.

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