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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want the OW at my child's football match?

263 replies

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 20:41

Am I within my rights to tell XH that he has no fucking right to bring OW to our DC's football match? I would like to watch my son play football and don't think I should have to set eyes on her skanky face in order to do it?

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 09/01/2014 23:22

needaholiday have I got this right? The natural mother is complaining you didn't go?

OP, YANBU, there's no need for her to be there. Take comfort from the fact she will massively underestimate just how cold and boring school team sports are and will almost certainly be wearing unsuitable clothes and footwear.

Original poster
Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 23:24

balia "wouldn't you have liked your new DP to show an interest in the DCs? Maybe come along to watch them play"

Maybe but only if it wasn't going to be at the expense of the people who have a real vested interest in being there. A DP would be there for my benefit not DS. In fact, sometimes XH's father comes to watch. This is a man i hate even more than XH and OW. But as DS' grandfather he has a right to be there and DS would be really chuffed to have him there. So if I really don't feel like seeing my ex FIL I just stay away and keep my mouth shut. But I'm pretty sure DS doesn't care one or the other if OW is there, she would be there purely for her own and XH's sake, not DS.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 09/01/2014 23:25

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needaholidaynow · 09/01/2014 23:27

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/01/2014 23:29

I can tell that it hurts OP, but I'd resist the game-playing as suggested on this thread and I wouldn't ask my ex to choose between me and his partner. If it were my son, I'd go - for his sake, nobody else's.

The tip that I would give you is to take headphones and your iPhone with some music that you don't normally listen to, anything - just nothing that you'll associate with 'the day'. Put those in and cheer your son on. Stand in the same row, not opposite your ex and his girlfriend - that way you won't see them.

Walk in and walk out with your head high and a matter of fact demeanour. They do not matter to you.

For your own sake, get some counselling if you think it would benefit you. They kept under the radar for two years, it was your husband who betrayed you. To keep referring to his partner as 'OW' is a constant reminder. She's his partner and you're free now - or will be soon, I hope.

Caitlin17 · 09/01/2014 23:29

Lyndacarter I would assume OW is going because she doesn't want OP to be there on her own with ex than she cares so much for OP's son that she wants to watch a school football match.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/01/2014 23:34

YADNU but the best thing to do is to just act like you don't care and ignore them. Act like you couldn't give a fig whether she's there or not. Don't be the bitter ex - don't give him or her the satisfaction.

Tinkertaylor1 · 09/01/2014 23:35

There will be always be bad blood, they cheated on op together. She needs to watch her boundaries , this is never going to be a happy mixed family .

If was different circ. and the ex was rocking up with his new chick it would have been different!

I would be tempted to say 'sure go' and wrestle that bitches face in the dirt Grin

Maybe83 · 09/01/2014 23:35

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Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/01/2014 23:40

Also, I can't think of anything worse than standing in the cold watching someone else's DC play football - it will serve the silly cow right if she does go - hopefully it will be cold and damp.

This.

I bet she'll be dressed all wrong too.

If he does turn up with her just snigger quietly at her being all cold and miserable without even the joy of watching her kid play.

Caitlin17 · 09/01/2014 23:40

Maybe maybe Ineedaholidays step daughter might have preferred it was only her real parents(sorry I needaholidaynot doing you down but I think you'll understand) who were there rather than her "new family".

needaholidaynow · 09/01/2014 23:41

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needaholidaynow · 09/01/2014 23:42

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Maybe83 · 09/01/2014 23:50

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Original poster
Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 23:51

Constant reminder or not, she will always be OW in my mind. Like tinker said, if he rocked up with a new chick I really couldn't care less. I would probably find it laughable. Nevertheless, while i can accept that they are now together and may stay that way for a long time, I don't feel any need to have her in MY life, now or ever. Maybe if they get married I will have to see her at my own DC's weddings one day but til then...not.

OP posts:
wellthatsdoneit · 09/01/2014 23:51

I completely understand OP. The OW certainly wasn't thinking about your ds' best interests when she got involved with his (married) father, so for her to be prancing around at a football match playing the doting step parent is tough to swallow. You know you have to fake it like mad though if they do go else you'll be (unjustly) labelled the bitter ex who can't move on. How do you get over the injustice of it all? Any tips, pass them this way.

Maybe83 · 09/01/2014 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 23:52

needaholiday totally understand what you're saying! You are kind to them and you care for them, but you are not their mum and you have a right to make your own decisions for what feels right for you. Anyway, I"m going to try and get some sleep. Thanks all. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 23:55

wellthatsdoneit "Any tips.." I'll let you know if I figure it out! In any case, 2 years isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things. I was with XH for 18, so if it takes me longer than 2 to process it all then so be it.

OP posts:
LyndaCartersBigPants · 09/01/2014 23:58

Some DCs do actually value the input that other adults have in their life. DP invited his ex and her bf (the one she cheated on him with) round for Xmas day, along with all of her family. It was good for his DCs to have everyone they loved together for the day. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him and it seems strange to others, but to have excluded the bf on Xmas day would have been mean.

My lot had me and XH with them throughout the day and were then really excited for my DP to come over later with his DCs. Just because he's not their dad it doesn't mean they have no interest in seeing him, they all love him like a close uncle and appreciate him being interested in their lives.

Kids can have lots of close adults in their family and I think it's very churlish to suggest that the ow was only there to keep an eye on her man, not because she actually cares about the child. Not much chance of even a serial shagger getting up to mischief on a school footy field.

wellthatsdoneit · 10/01/2014 00:03

Just wondering what you could say to her if your paths do cross. Perhaps, with a gushing smile, 'Hi! Gosh you're brave! Hope you don't feel awkward.' And if she has the brass neck to question why she should feel awkward you can launch into the full assault of 'Well, I have slept with your boyfriend countless times . Have you got used to his snoring/farting in bed yet?' or some other highly inappropriate comment which indicates a) how intimate you have been with him and b) what a skanky slob she has ended up with.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 10/01/2014 00:03

Where will her kids be during the match?

Original poster
Yogagirl17 · 10/01/2014 00:06

Lynda you and your DCs are very lucky. I honestly mean that. That you can all make it work despite what's happened before is admirable. But that requires that all parties involved know how to be respectful and not resort to emotional abuse, lying and bullying when the going gets tough. You may think it's churlish to question OW's motives for wanting to be at the match but I can assure you with absolute confidence she is NOT doing because she cares so much about DS. They've played games since day 1 and this is just another game to them.

Right, now about that sleep....

OP posts:
Original poster
Yogagirl17 · 10/01/2014 00:08

well actually he does snore and fart in bed! (thanks, just another reminder why she is welcome to him) Grin

Wally I actually have no idea where her kids will be. Maybe with their dad..? I don't know if he is involved in their lives or not. I do know that they divorced because he cheated on her. Which, in my mind, elevates her skankiness even more. To be cheated on and then become the OW...really the lowest of the low.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/01/2014 00:11

Well if they are playing a game, you are letting them win by whining and stamping your feet over this. The more you kick up, the more your XH can say to his friends and family, 'Poor Yogagirl, so bitter after all this time, it's such a shame' and congratulate himself about how irresistible he is for you still to be affected by losing him.
They may well be doing it to get a reaction out of you. You will honestly feel much better if you can retain your dignity and treat them with calm, civil indifference (even if you need to rage and weep to a close friend afterwards.)