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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want the OW at my child's football match?

263 replies

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 20:41

Am I within my rights to tell XH that he has no fucking right to bring OW to our DC's football match? I would like to watch my son play football and don't think I should have to set eyes on her skanky face in order to do it?

OP posts:

Caitlin17 · 09/01/2014 22:07

Yoga sorry it was some one else's post I wasn't agreeing with! Ignore me.

balia · 09/01/2014 22:10

My ex had loads of OW's (maybe that makes it easier?) anyway, after we split the g/f who was nice and interested in our DD was much, much better than the g/f who resented her and the time her Dad spent with her.

It's been two years, she isn't going anywhere in the short term, which means your DS has/is increasingly going to have a relationship with her. It will be much easier for him if things like attendance at football matches can be managed by all. I'm not having a dig, I understand your feelings, but DC's pick up on these things so easily and it is very hard having your loyalties divided like this.

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 22:14

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism "Ds stepmother somehow manages to be very lovely yet does not attend ds school meetings and football matches"

See, that's the way I think it should be. OW is XH's partner but she is not my kid's mum or even their stepmother. If I were in her shoes (not that I would EVER be an OW but if I were serious about someone with DC and an XW) I would be very respectful of XW's boundaries and not try to encroach on any territory that she was involved in. Then again, I guess the fact that someone would knowingly be an OW shows they don't have the best moral compass.

OP posts:

SuperSaint · 09/01/2014 22:16

YANBU. My biggest fear in life is that exH and OW will turn up together at one of the DCs' events. I've never met the OW and I don't want to. It's bad enough I have to civil to ex H but I don't think I could even look at her.

I hate that she spends any time with the DCs and completely understand how you feel. On NYE they all went to friends of exH who we've spent many NYE with. It's like I've just been completely replaced. It was bad enough she took my husband but she should stop trying to take my children too. If I say anything like this (on MN or in real life) I am apparently being bitter and should be grateful she wants to spend time with my DCs.

jellybeans · 09/01/2014 22:16

YANBU. I think its wrong to bring OW. I know people that do this and many a time it is because OW are scared of the partner being alone with wife or spending time near wife without them. They don't let their partner go anywhere without them. Maybe as they know what a cheat they are?

anotherrandomusername · 09/01/2014 22:18

The main thing is, would your DS like her there? Does he get along with her? It doesn't sound like she's going anywhere anytime soon, so it may be best for your kids, hard as it would be for you, to just grit your teeth and tolerate her. Can you take a friend along for moral support?

Don't give your ex an ultimatum by the way, because why would he choose you over his partner? Don't give him that power.

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 22:19

SuperSaint "It's like I've just been completely replaced"

Yes! That's exactly how i've felt the last few weeks. I used to be very close with his family. We always spent xmas at their house (my family are overseas and don't come over this time of year) and then often all went away together over new year - me, XH, DCs and his family. This year she and her DCs spent xmas at my ex-in laws with XH and my kids then the ALL went away together, to the same place we all used to go. It's not even so much that I want that life back, but that I was just so easily replaced. Like he just did a cut and paste in his life.

OP posts:

fromparistoberlin · 09/01/2014 22:21

i feel and empathise with your rage OP!

I do agree you will gain alot by

(a) not giving a shit
(b) not showing you give a shit
(c) and being strong and marvellous

but its not easy hey? it sucks

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 22:21

"why would he choose you over his partner?"

Um, because it should be more important that I'm there to see my own son play...?

OP posts:

LyndaCartersBigPants · 09/01/2014 22:22

I certainly wouldn't ask your XH to decide between you and ow. He already made that choice once, sorry.

I'm afraid I think yabu. I thought you were going to say it was a recent new relationship, but after 2 years they are an established couple and there's no reason why she can't be a part of your DS's life.

I met DP a year and a bit ago. Last year my DS asked if DP would come with me to watch his music concert. I did mention to XH that it was DS's idea and he was fine with it.

I've also been to watch DP's daughter in a dance thing. His ex saved us all seats on the front row.

We all spend lots of time together despite not living together, so the fact that your x and ow don't live together doesn't mean he doesn't or shouldn't see her regularly. As his dad's partner it's quite likely that she is around a lot and if she cares about your DS enough to stand out in the cold watching football, you really should be happy about it. No, it doesn't detract from what they both did to your marriage and family, but you need to let that go for the sake of your DS.

I appreciate that it helps when the relationship happened after the split, but whatever the circumstances, you need to accept that this is your ex's life now and the people he spends it with are entirely his choice.

Please don't make things awkward for your DS by causing a scene or making a point. Sadly any sympathy you might get from friends for being wronged by the pair of them will quickly disappear if your upset your DS.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/01/2014 22:24

You will feel much better, much quicker, if you stop obsessing about her and him and their relationship. In the mean time act like you're not bothered about what they do. It's been two years since he left you (and if he didn't start seeing her till after leaving you, even if it was very shortly after leaving you, she isn't even the OW, she is his new partner) - do you really want to spend the rest of your life being the Bitter Dumped Ex?

Mimishimi · 09/01/2014 22:24

YANBU to not want her there but you would BU to let them know that. Is it during your ex's contact time as well? Take a handsome friend or colleague along, or quietly chat to one there, for moral support

Caitlin17 · 09/01/2014 22:25

Yoga that sounds awful. And incredibly insensitive of ex and OW.

LynetteScavo · 09/01/2014 22:27

Really, don't ask him to choose, because he will choose her.

You need to get your act together, at least for the duration of the match. Of course it's hard, but you just have to do some things.

Tinkertaylor1 · 09/01/2014 22:31

YANBU. She didn't need to be there. In fact I would tell exp to keep the waters calm,you rather she wasn't there. Plus it would be distracting to ds while playing . I wouldn't give him the choice to choose between you.

Must be a really shitty time for you

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 22:33

SolidGold - sorry if I wasn't clear but they had an affair while we were still very much married and I caught him. So she is indeed the OW. It would indeed be very different if she were someone he'd met after.

I know it's been 2 years and the thing is, I honestly haven't been like this the entire time. I've been ok for a lot of it, done some dating, was even seeing someone for a while. But all this behaviour from them is new & I'm only having to deal with it NOW.

Mimi no it's not during ex's contact time. And while I would never suggest he can't see his own son play, regardless of who DS is supposed to be with that day, I feel like SHE is encroaching on my time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 22:36

In fact, I fully accept that what they do on the weekends the DCs are with their dad is none of my business. But DS is with me this weekend. I was planning to take him to the match and watch. Then out of the blue I get a text from XH saying ever so casually, they are going too and would I like him to take DS.

OP posts:

anotherrandomusername · 09/01/2014 22:46

Um, because it should be more important that I'm there to see my own son play...?

Well I know that Yoga but I'm not your ex. If he felt it was fine to cut you out of Christmas, why would he care about a football match?

Tinkertaylor1 · 09/01/2014 22:50

Sounds like he is testing the waters as he wants to parade her in your face.

Text back and say ' actually it's not ok that both of you are going. It makes me uncomfortable while I'm trying to watch ds play, when it's your time, you are both more than welcome to watch "

Lilacroses · 09/01/2014 22:57

How bloody horrible. I feel for you. My friend is in a similar situation. Her ex's new woman told her she wanted to go to a high school open day because she felt it was important to "see where her son was going to school" meaning my friend's son. She does things like this all the time and my friend is really the most reasonable, calm, easy going person but she is so pissed off and upset by this sort of "taking over". I totally agree they are being hurtful and insensitive. Do you have some lovely friends who could go along to support you?

needaholidaynow · 09/01/2014 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 23:10

anotherrandomusername Actually the christmas thing was something we'd agreed on in advance. I didn't know she would be there, but I had said it was ok if he had the kids at his parent's house on xmas day. And like I said, if they want her in their home, that's their business.

Tinker thank you, and thank you for the earlier hugs. x I have texted him to say that I would really like to go and don't think it's unfair to want to do so without having to see her. No reply so far, will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow.

Lila I do have lots of very lovely friends but none who I can get to come with me to this.

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 09/01/2014 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Yogagirl17 · 09/01/2014 23:16

Thank you needaholiday!! I was beginning to feel like I was going a bit mad. I mean, in the grand scheme of things i think I am more than reasonable. I never stop XH from spending as much time with the DCs as he wants. I don't question what they do when they are with him, I don't make snarky comments about them being at her house or all going away together. But surely I have some right to feel comfortable at an activity that she has no need to be at?

And how infuriating for you that DSD's mum thinks its ok to tell you how to look after your family! AGain, a case of people having no sense of boundaries. Arghh.

OP posts:

balia · 09/01/2014 23:18

I think LindaCarter is bang on and her DCs are very lucky. And if you dated for a while, OP, wouldn't you have liked your new DP to show an interest in the DCs? Maybe come along to watch them play...

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