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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I being a major Bridezilla?

190 replies

CuppaSarah · 09/01/2014 15:05

Really not sure what to do about this one. I'm worried I'm being an absolute Bridezilla which I'd really love to avoid.

Basically my lovely SIL is going to be one of my bridesmaids at my wedding later this year. We get on great, but she can be very sensitive so I'd rather gauge your opinion on this topic first before talking to her, to save any needless upset or stress on her part. The worry I'm having is, she is planning to dye her hair bright green/blue. Now it's her hair of course and I'm not going to ask her not to because of my wedding that would be totally unreasonable. But I have to admit I'm a bit gutted about it, as she's had red her for the longest time, which would have looked amazing with her dress.

My major concern is that the colour is so bright and also really clashes with the colour of her dress. Which will make it stand out even more. When it comes to the photos surely everyone's eyes will be drawn to her hair rather than the actual people in the shot. I really don't want every photo with her in to be overpowered by her hair. But at the same time, I don't want to but a downer on something she's been trying to build the confidence to do for a long time. It's a pretty big deal for her to do this and I don't want to take that away from her as over dramatic as that sounds.

So Wibu to talk to her about it and ask her to consider changing it for the wedding or to wear a wig? Or am I being a bit bridezilla?

Another question I want to ask is: Have any of you seen wedding photos that had people with bright unnatural hair colours in? If you did, did they end up overpowering the pictures or was it not a big deal at all?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 09/01/2014 15:45

I've always wondered why people expected me to be so stressed when I wad planning my wedding. I think I understand now. I mean that in a nice way OP. Really all that matters is that you're happy with how you look everyone gets fed and you end up married. Everything else is just trimming that you'll barely notice.

Mama1980 · 09/01/2014 15:45

I think you sound lovely and reasonable but I do think yabvu.
I would never dream of commenting or asking some one to change their looks to my taste or for me. How does what she looks like matter? It's totally irrelevant.

KhunZhoop · 09/01/2014 15:45

Bridezilla, bridezilla, bridezilla.

As for the feeling mean to ask her to put her hair up vs actually wanting her to wear a wig for your wedding? Words fail me.

yourusername123456789 · 09/01/2014 15:46

Juno it's not about not accepting a 'non conventional style' it's about a bright green colour standing out from everything else that you have paid a lot of money to match.

I can't imagine how it would be so terrible though in my head, I think I'd have to see it, what colour are the dresses? I agree with others that if she does it now it's likely to be out of her hair by the wedding or at least she'll be onto another colour, if your wedding is in the summer. I can see why you're concerned, but I really think when it comes to it, it won't matter. If she does keep the colour you could ask her not to re-dye it the week of the wedding then it would be tonned down.

ViviPru · 09/01/2014 15:46

I realise I must be in the minority but I am absolutely aghast that you would even consider asking your bridesmaid to 'tone down' the way she looks for your wedding! And to the poster that suggested photoshop...

I agree.

I am aghast.

I was a control freak bride. I'm a designer and my wedding was pantone referenced, the main colour for the wedding got to be known as "Regulation Such-And-Such-A-Colour". I was keen for the whole affair to reflect DH and I as a couple in its aesthetics.

All that said, I would never dream of imposing my will on the bridesmaids' appearances over and above their dresses (which I actually left up to them too, although they preferred me to choose). They wore their hair however they liked. One was bright red, one platinum blonde and one ebony. If one had have had blue hair, and that was what she felt comfortable with, then I'd have just been happy she was there and at ease. Being our friends/family, members of the bridal party by their very presence reflected us a couple, regardless of their hair colour.

I was confident that the entire affair was tasteful and aesthetically harmonious enough to withstand the odd expression of someone else's personal taste here and there. In fact those things just added interest.

Juno77 · 09/01/2014 15:46

Nancy that's bloody horrible!

Hair like a clown? Because she wants to dye her hair?! Jesus christ.

Just because you don't get it, doesn't make it wrong, or weird. FGS.

AutumnStar · 09/01/2014 15:47

You sound nice OP but I really wouldn't ask her to moderate her look. It's not worth the upset it will undoubtedly cause.

Forget about it and enjoy the build up and your day. You honestly won't care when it comes down to it.

overfacebook · 09/01/2014 15:47

Tricky one...black and white photos can look really classy?!

picklesrule · 09/01/2014 15:48

Have to agree with Juno I am amazed that people think it's ok to dictate someone's hair colour or wedding pictures! You sound lovely and thoughtful but honestly really bridezilla about this!
Honestly I have a beautiful massively overpriced wedding album that I have never looked at! I have pics up in the house of my dh and I and one of my dd who was bridesmaid that's it..
I really think you won't give two hoots what her hair colour is on the day but you will be much more upset if you have upset your sil over it.

Nancy66 · 09/01/2014 15:48

I'm just asking for more detail - because I think it does sound a bit weird.

Juno77 · 09/01/2014 15:49

yourusername um, but that's exactly what that is! You wouldn't ask a ginger haired bridesmaid to dye her hair because it didn't match your colour scheme, or a brunette to go blonde? But it's okay because this is green.

The exact definition of not really being okay with non-conformist style.

Rooners · 09/01/2014 15:49

Holding a wedding can be all about staging the 'perfect scene' - it's a bit of an artistic endeavour and if someone's going to ruin the look of your creation then of course you will be upset.

The thing is though - I think that approach misses what weddings should be about. It isn't about making a beautiful, stylised picture of an event, top-down.

It's about getting married to a person you love with other people you love around you.

Think about 4 weddings and a funeral. The oddos invited to those weddings (only seen some of it but thinking of the Simon Callow character) can only have served to make the photos spectacular.

That's what the photos are for - memories of people who you love and who had a brilliant day with you, warts and all. Or green hair.

Of course if the dress clashes, get her to wear a different colour dress that doesn't clash. Especially if the one you have got her isn't #her'/

there should be some room for compromise if you are close, though,

and another way to do it would be to have black and white pictures.

Juno77 · 09/01/2014 15:51

More details about what nancy? Why she wants to dye her hair? Hmm

patienceisvirtuous · 09/01/2014 15:52

Haha at the idea of asking her to wear a wig. That is THE most bridezilla thing I've ever heard. "I know you have confidence issues, but here, stick this on your head for the day" Shock

YABU

yourusername123456789 · 09/01/2014 15:52

ah but Juno, if I had a ginger bridesmaid I would have chosen a colour that suited their colourings.

gamerchick · 09/01/2014 15:52

Blue is seriously hard to maintain. Plus she has to strip the colour she has already and bleach her whole head. There aren't many hairdressers who will go for that because of the damage it can do to the hair. Then you have to avoid certain shampoos/conditioners and add the colour to shampoo to keep it blue.

It's more likely she'll be advised on strips instead of a whole head which is more easy on the eye.

Enthuse about the colour.. tell her you can't wait to see it and persuade her to get it done soon. She'll love it at first but the novelty wears off.

Really, don't stress about it.

Nancy66 · 09/01/2014 15:54

Juno - why after (presumably) having 'normal' coloured hair she wants to dye it bright blue or bright green just as she's about to be someone's bridesmaid. Why she couldn't wait 24 hours and do it the day after...

Juno77 · 09/01/2014 15:54

Okay your, but what if you had planned your colour scheme around your bridesmaids all having ginger hair, and one then dyed their hair brunette? Would that be okay? Or would you expect to be able to dictate hair colour and length to your chosen bridesmaids over the course of the 6 months or so prior to your wedding?

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 15:54

I think you are being a bit bridezilla.

The photos are supposed to be a accurate memento of the day, so you can look back and remember it well. Like lots of people (it's not just you!) you're feeling pressured to have "perfect photos" to the extent that you're putting them before your family and having a good family life.

You shouldn't be putting the photographs before what kind of day it is! Would you marry a male model you didn't love instead of your fiancé, just so you would have good photographs? No? Because it would be placing appearances over your happiness?

I know the above is an extreme example, but sometimes the extreme ones are the best for making one step back from the drip-drip of modern pressure on brides and see it for what it is. You shouldn't be changing your life for a false picture.

That said, definitely show your SIL the dresses, if she hasn't seen them already. She might decide for herself she finds the colours clashing.

Original poster
CuppaSarah · 09/01/2014 15:55

I'm a bit shocked people are getting so passionate here! I've asked for some opinions, got some great perspective from it and have had a good think about it. I've realized it's not really about the fact it will clash with the dress. I was just a bit disappointed as I chose the colour based on the fact it would suit everyone skin tone and hair colours. But it's not like I told any of them that and it's not like I have any right to tell them what to do. It's just me having a selfish moment. The colour is a stone/mink/light brown/taupe colour, I'm sure it has a proper name though.

It's the brightness that worries me, but if it's overpowering in the photos it can be toned down a bit. But what a lot of you are saying is true, I don't want to make her feel bad, when she's had enough to deal with all year. I'll keep my mouth shut and not worry. I'm just glad I asked you before speaking to her. It's so easy to get caught up in the small details, but I've not had a proper bridezilla moment before so in an odd way I'm quite pleased. I got to have one and I haven't even wound anyone up who is involved in the wedding.

OP posts:
Juno77 · 09/01/2014 15:55

Nancy - maybe she doesn't make her life choices around someone else's wedding. Maybe she wants it green now, and plans to keep it for a long time. Maybe she doesn't think green is so 'abnormal'.

Juno77 · 09/01/2014 15:57

I'm glad to Cuppa, I think you are making the right decision.

And I will reiterate that you sound lovely Grin

(Oh, and the worst bridezillas are the ones that don't realise it, so you are fine Wink)

Nancy66 · 09/01/2014 15:58

is dying your hair green a big life choice that can't be put off?

Original poster
CuppaSarah · 09/01/2014 15:59

Nancy66 it sort of is, when you've been dealt a bit of a shit hand and want to do something for yourself that will make you feel a bit more confident.

OP posts:
FrauMoose · 09/01/2014 16:00

Do hope you haven't any relatives or close friends with visible disabilities. Because you wouldn't want them spoiling the photos either, would you?

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