to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

[SeptemberFlowers]

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."

I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one

september I would have no hesitation in confronting her with what you just said!

Why shouldn't you?

"You're my sister and I don't want to fall out over this. However, I won't be apologising. I've done nothing wrong. I think it's a bit off, a grown man demanding an apology for something his dd wasn't even there for! She's either family or not. If she is, you should have brought her so I could actually get to know her. Also, in 10 years you've never bought anything for my dc and I've never made a fuss over it. I'm sorry, but it works both ways. Now, I'm willing to put all the hassle and upset that's been caused over a few tubes of smarties I hope everyone else can be as grown up about it. But I can't control what you do or think so if you want it to continue then I think that's rather sad but so be it."

Totally agree with waltermitty ^^ be straight and don't take any crap.

Another vote for Ifcats suggested response - makes it clear that exchanging presents is very much a new development as your sister has never given gifts for your children before, so you were caught unawares.

Are you known for perhaps being generous with presents in your family, and the boyfriend was hoping for some fabulous gift he could get credit for with his DD? At any rate, sulking like a petulant child because you didn't fully appreciate the Honour Of The Order Of The Christmas Tube Of Smarties, and reciprocate in kind, is ridiculous.

Walter

i think we should ALL buy a present each and send it to OP's Dsis for the little girl, for the sheer entertainment value this thread has brought us, perhaps even a smartie tube each. Just imagine the joy of the boyfriend!

That's an idea. Post their address, september and we'll send hundreds and thousands of smarties!

I'm in.

Good lord, if my sister suddenly decided I was an aunt to a child I had only met once combined with her not even loving with the child,I would think she needed far more than a nice sit down and a cup of tea.

An intervention would be on the cards

I think the boyfriend is a cheeky cunt. He didnt even give your children presents, they were only from your sister.

I hope when u meet with your sister she can see how silly the situation she created is.

YANBU, at all, for all of the many above reasons.

and the entitled sulking OMG how OLD is the boyfriend?? (and I wonder whether any chocs would have made it home to his DD or if any gift would have been passed off as a stocking filler/from them?)

Families who do not include step children who are not blood relatives, when the children are there and part of the social life are plain mean. Where there is a family rift/no contact anyway, that's a different matter.

I can see estranged GPs posting gifts to a far off GC and not their step siblings whose parent they have never even met.

I am actually cross on your behalf OP - what a pair of shits! I would be telling them both where to STICK their attitude..you are far more grown up than me but (and clearly as a stranger on t'internet I can demand anything of you) don't you DARE apologise to that eejit

Think I need some brow mopping too, phew

Your sister has bought nothing for your DC's or sent them cards till quite recently. If the child wasn't even there I don't think you were unkind. I don't think I'd bother too much with her. She sounds a bit of a pain and quite selfish.

Just to clarify. I mean not to bother with your sister.

The child wasn't even there so he was sulking on her behalf What a twat. He was probably dreaming of receiving a tube of smarties for the whole trip to you and you've destroyed his Christmas

Sorry if I've had it wrong before but isn't Christmas about family, kindness etc, generally not leaving people out? Seems sister wanted to build a bridge of some sort, generate a family feeling that might've been lacking? I Leaving someone out is just rude, nearly as rude as expecting a gift! Call me old fashioned but I always have a little box of chocolates wrapped up as a 'spare' under the tree so I can reciprocate if someone turns up with an unexpected gift. You knew you were going to see this child and made her feel unwelcome, v. sad.

clippity RTFT - child wasn't there

You are so not BU, OP

Oh ffs, how many more people are going to come on here and get the wrong end of the stick. THE CHILD DID NOT TURN UP!!!!! SHE WAS NOT MADE TO FEEL UNWELCOME BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT THERE.

If I were you, OP, I'd be sending a written apology and a present.

"Dear C, sorry your DD wasn't able to collect her present in person. It would have been nice to have met her for a second time. Hope she enjoys this packet of chocolate buttons".

The presents were only from the sister so how can the boyfriend huff and puff when he didnt get the OPs dc a gift. He couldnt even put in 50p each for the tubes of smarties.

Just trying to make this point clear :

T H E B O Y F R I E N D ' S D A U G H T E R W A S N O T T H E R E

T H E

B O Y F R I E N D ' S
D A U G H T E R
W A S
N O T
T H E R E

T H E B O Y F R I E N D ' S D A U G H T E R W A S N O T T H E R E

Ok, I do know the child was not there.

But how about this scenario...?

Sister has never had much interest in children as she has none of her own. So things like niece/nephew birthdays don't really register on the radar. She's not in that place. The OP doesn't seem to expect any gifts for the kids/make any fuss, so she doesn't change this behaviour over the years. It's just how she is.

Then the sister meets her boyfriend, falls in love and he has a DD. Moves into the mindset of people with kids a bit.

Boyfriend and sister coming to see OP at Christmas. He says "oh what you getting OP's kids?" As a parent, he would tend to give gifts. Sister doesn't want to say "nothing" and is a bit embarrassed so gives OP some token chocolate gifts as she has no idea what to buy. She blithely expects now she has a child associated with her that the favour will be returned, forgetting that she hasn't ever bothered before.

Boyfriend turns up and expects that his DD will be included in the gift swap. After all, you tend to buy for all kids in the family. He is a bit surprised that his DD is not sent anything (presumably she is with her mum at Xmas; maybe he would have liked to bring her). He is not aware that the OP's sister has made no effort with presents before. Like many people bringing a child into a new relationship, he is hyper sensitive to his child not being welcomed.

Meanwhile the OP's sister fails to say "er well it's because I haven't made any effort for the last 10 years" and instead says she will contact her sister.

So the whole mess comes about. Sound possible OP?

(That was my attempt to find a rationale for you sister being a bit of a loon about this, OP. )

Ruby brilliant post but that only explains the bus friends behavior, not the sisters and it's the sister that's the issue.