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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

558 replies

SeptemberFlowers · 06/01/2014 13:48

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."

Shock

I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one Hmm

OP posts:
nauticant · 07/01/2014 08:56

The sister is effectively saying

I am a lioness, hear my ROAR

Thatisall · 07/01/2014 08:56

Posted too soon,
Token present. Even if you didn't know she was bringing gifts, why wouldn't you get the little one something to make her feel welcome in a new setting with new 'family members'?

NicknameIncomplete · 07/01/2014 08:56

How was the OP meant to hand the gift to the child when the child was not there.

DamnBamboo · 07/01/2014 08:58

His daughter wasn't with them when we saw them

Just read this. OP I take it all back, YANBU.

NicknameIncomplete · 07/01/2014 08:58

I cant believe some people on this thread. You meet a child once and from then on you are meant to buy it a present.

Thatisall · 07/01/2014 08:59

A I just saw that his daughter was with them. I take it all back too OP

Thatisall · 07/01/2014 09:00

Also why didn't they bring her, if she is to be considered a niece?

WaitMonkey · 07/01/2014 09:10

Exactly Thatis. It's a very different situation from yours. Your husband's family sound horrible and you are better off without them. In this case the op has done nothing wrong and the sister and bf are crazy.

Joysmum · 07/01/2014 09:13

So, let me get this straight,:

Your kids didn't get any Christmas presents for the past 10 years despite them being together last Christmas.

So this year, you had no idea the protocol had been changed, they got gifts for your kids for the first time and your sister expected you to to be a mindreader and know that her gift buying habits had changed.

Tbh, I wouldn't get into the nitty gritty of the lack of your relationship with your sister or whether the boyfriends child is worthy of a gift from a virtual stranger.

I'd simply put the onus on your sister that you only followed her lead from the previous 10 years and all this could have been avoided if she'd let you know her sudden change of Christmas present policy. Of course you'd have been happy to get the child a present for Christmas if you'd known, but you didn't want to embarrass them by buying the child a gift thinking that, as in previous years, they wouldn't have bought your child anything.

That's not an apology, that's a reminder of her lack of Aunty skills and lack of people skills.

ColdTeaAgain · 07/01/2014 09:16

We bought small presents for 2 children we haven't even met this christmas, won't go into the boring details, but it was mainly just to make sure no one (particularly MIL) had anything to moan about! The children weren't even there when we handed over presents and we never heard anything back ie thank you, X and Y liked their presents. Hey ho, at least we bothered.
Having said that if the person in question had ignored my children over previous years like your sister has done then I definitely wouldn't of got anything!

Original poster
SeptemberFlowers · 07/01/2014 09:23

Having calmed down now I suspect it's her bf driving this as well.

We've never been super close but always able to have a laugh and get on alright when we see each other. She lives quite a distance away so I can't just call in.

However I want to sort it out as this behaviour is not really typical of her now I have calmed down. I feel it's getting petty now as well.

I am not apologising to him.

OP posts:
Thatisall · 07/01/2014 09:25

september. If this is really out of character, if be concerned OP

Thumbwitch · 07/01/2014 09:25

Pleased to hear it!
Although if it does come to a stand-off with your sister, one of the really well-worded PA messages off here would do nicely. :)

nauticant · 07/01/2014 09:56

Meh I loathe PA interactions.

I think a passing reference to no one's a saint on the present providing front, it is not significant in the grand scheme of things, it's up the the sister how she chooses react, but the OP's is happy to resume friendly relations.

waltermittymissus · 07/01/2014 10:14

No you can't just drop in and I think face to face is unnecessary.

Write back and say:

"You're my sister and I don't want to fall out over this. However, I won't be apologising. I've done nothing wrong. I think it's a bit off, a grown man demanding an apology for something his dd wasn't even there for! She's either family or not. If she is, you should have brought her so I could actually get to know her. Also, in 10 years you've never bought anything for my dc and I've never made a fuss over it. I'm sorry, but it works both ways. Now, I'm willing to put all the hassle and upset that's been caused over a few tubes of smarties I hope everyone else can be as grown up about it. But I can't control what you do or think so if you want it to continue then I think that's rather sad but so be it."

SuperScrimper · 07/01/2014 10:32

I think she's told her bf you're really close as she thinks he would like that....when you didn't give his DD a present I think she felt it made it look like you weren't as close as she has said.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 07/01/2014 11:17

Does C stand for Cunt OP?

HowlingTrap · 07/01/2014 11:23

I think you could have bought her some sweets are something , did you know she was coming?

waltermittymissus · 07/01/2014 11:27

FFS! She wasn't there!!!

Gunznroses · 07/01/2014 12:00

FFS! She wasn't there!!!

There, there! you'll be alright now GrinGrinGrin

nauticant · 07/01/2014 12:01

OP: how on earth did you manage to set the font in your posts so that some of the text is only visible to certain posters?

It's genius and makes for an entertaining thread.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 07/01/2014 12:05

OP, is your sister usually such a 'we' person? we people shit me off so much In her previous relationships, does she tend to morph into one person or is it different with Cunt?

Vatta · 07/01/2014 12:06

Ah, ok, missed that she lives a long way away. Still think that a phone call would be better than continued texts to actually sort this out.

Original poster
SeptemberFlowers · 07/01/2014 12:17

I suspect it's new with him, she's never done it before with other relationships she had.

Seeing her this weekend, I texted her and said I'd like to see her face to face and I'm not apologising to her boyfriend until I have seen her and on her own. She wanted to bring him but has said she'll come "as I insisted so much."

I'm starting to get even more Angry now, my dc's have had nothing off her not even a happy birthday text or has she shown interest in them but yet I'm the bad person who should be ashamed. It's never bothered me before as it's just what she has always done (not taken an interest) If it weren't for me having doubts over her bf being a drama queen I'd be telling her she's a hypocrite and a few more words Hmm

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 07/01/2014 13:27

There, there! you'll be alright now