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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

558 replies

SeptemberFlowers · 06/01/2014 13:48

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."

Shock

I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one Hmm

OP posts:
Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 07/01/2014 00:07

Oh and I didn't even write the bit about her suddenly coming up with presents for your DC after 10y! That reminds me of my cousin, who had been out of touch with all of us for years, suddenly getting back in touch when he had children because he thought we might be good for some extra presents! (No he wasn't quite that explicit but his timing was too obvious). Sadly for him, there was too much water under the bridge for us to want to pick up with him again, so he failed in his attempt.

Bit different because she's your sister - but still. Same thought process, probably.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 07/01/2014 00:10

"I am sorry to hear you are feeling offended by the lack of gift for your dd. for the past xx years it has not been customary for my sister to give gifts to my children, which is an arrangement I have always been comfortable with. Obviously it is now clear that you would like to change how our family gives and receives gifts. It would help me enormously and ensure no future upset if you could let me know on which occasions you would like to send and receive gifts to each other's children. Also if you could give me an idea of budget that would also be helpful to avoid any embarrassment"

ColdTeaAgain · 07/01/2014 00:10

Wow! Just wow! Your sister and her bf sound sound like utter bellends! Well done for trying to sort it out but email him an apology? Fuck that!

She is clearly enjoying feeling superior and thinking that she has made you look and feel bad. I think its time to remind her of all the christmases and birthdays your children have missed out on from her!

sykadelic15 · 07/01/2014 00:11

I would reply to her and say "I'm not sure why you think he deserves an apology quite honestly. You stated the gifts were from YOU, not him. I've met him now 3 times. I met his child once. I don't know her. I have X children who are now X ages and this is the first gift, and a token one at that, that they have ever received from their biological aunt. I honestly didn't expect that I would be required to buy anything for a person, or child I do not know. I just assumed that as you were around a child occasionally now you felt bad about having never bought a present for your niece and nephew and were trying to rectify that".

campion · 07/01/2014 00:25

This certainly brings a whole new interpretation of niece, nephew, cousin and aunt.

Even 'partner' looks a bit optimistic in this case...

Rosieliveson · 07/01/2014 00:28

Have just rtft -wow!
Seems a bit entitled and tbh a bit freaky! If I was that concerned for my child (I know it's not technically her child) I'd wrap something and pretend it was from the person on question.

I don't think you should apologise any further. I would just say that the misunderstanding this year was unfortunate and that you would be more than happy to exchange token gifts for her daughter (I know bit technically her daughter) in future.
A bit of Soave could then do the situation a world if good.

Rosieliveson · 07/01/2014 00:29

Soave? Was meant to be space but guess Soave works too!! Grin

Aniseeda · 07/01/2014 00:42

I wonder if the presents was his idea because, in his family, it's the done thing to buy for all the children, so your sis made a big thing of it to impress him.

You could text him and say you are sorry you didn't think to buy a gift for his DD as your sister has never bought one for your children before. If cats has worded it better than me!

If my sister was in a steady relationship with someone who had a child, I would buy them something and I'd be happy to do so because my sister is a brilliant Auntie and has always taken an interest in my children's lives, including gifts at Christmas and Birthdays.

Your situation is different and I think yanbu.

2468Motorway · 07/01/2014 00:42

What ifcatshad said is great.

I'd really want to send that.

EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip · 07/01/2014 00:53

never mind a tube of smarties, this thread really is the gift that keeps on giving. He's disappointed in you? Priceless.

oh please send ifcats reply.

Vatta · 07/01/2014 01:09

Ok, part of me wants you to send an inflammatory text back so we can all enjoy her next bonkers reply, but I'm assuming you do want to smooth things over with her....

I really don't think you're going to get far on texts and emails tbh. You need to sit down with her and talk this through. There's a lot going on here beyond presents (quite apart from anything else, if your sister considers b to be your neice, does that mean b is her daughter, at least in her mind? Should you be including b in family events?)

Maybe you could reply saying you do want to move on from this, but you will need to speak to her one-on-one before you can send her partner an email.

Thumbwitch · 07/01/2014 03:08

I think that little will be gained from a face to face with her as she's showing nosign of understanding your position at all. Ifcat's post is fab, send that to him - I'm pretty sure that will be the end of it.

JapaneseMargaret · 07/01/2014 03:35

I agree with Vatta that this really needs to be resolved face-to face as opposed to email. It's all incredibly petty at this stage (not your doing in the slightest, OP), and you need to speak face-to-face.

The very fact that your sister is asking for an emailed apology is quite mind-boggling.

What on earth is wrong with getting together and chatting? Confused

One can only assume that she is concerned that you will throw her under a bus bring up the fact that she has never deigned to hand out presents before, and wishes to avoid that.

LindyHemming · 07/01/2014 03:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Losthearts · 07/01/2014 07:48

I would have bought a small gift

waltermittymissus · 07/01/2014 07:49

Send what sykadelic said!

FrankieStien · 07/01/2014 07:59

I wouldn't apologise to him.

Caitlin17 · 07/01/2014 08:00

OP and sister aren't close, they hadn't met on over a year and other contact was only by text every few months. A face to face meeting over this is OTT. OP hasn't done anything wrong.

clam · 07/01/2014 08:43

Leaving all the rest of the entitled shit to one side, who the hell demands an apology about a present?
A gift should be an unexpected pleasure, not something you demand.

NicknameIncomplete · 07/01/2014 08:45

Losthearts - why would you have bought a gift?

Preciousbane · 07/01/2014 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamnBamboo · 07/01/2014 08:54

I would have bought the little girl a token gift.

If you were feeling really petty you could have waited to see if you DSis gave your children theirs and if not, you could also have not handed it over to the DSis DP DD.

I think YABU and a bit mean.

Gunznroses · 07/01/2014 08:54

losthearts I would have bought a small gift

Yes for myself, for being such a sport! Smile

DamnBamboo · 07/01/2014 08:55

Although having said that, her DP does sound like an arse.

Thatisall · 07/01/2014 08:55

I have been married for 2 years and yet dh's family still don't really acknowledge my dd from a previous relationship. We are told that weddings are 'adults only' and then et there to find other children and they never even get her smarties.

The result. We barely see or speak to them, his choice.

After a year he was more daddy to her then her actual father ever was. Perhaps your dsis really sees herself as a mother figure to this child which would explain her angry, protective text.

You may feel standoffish with your sister but if you had any inkling that she would bring gifts, you should have bought a y