to not buy for sisters new partner's child ?

[SeptemberFlowers]

My sister has been in a relationship for about a 18 months we aren't close as a rule. She will sometimes send a text to say hello and bit of chit chat every 4 months or so, I do as well. She has never once sent a birthday card or asked after the DC's.

Until last year.

We hadn't seen each other for a year or more but she asked if we met up for Christmas, so we did. She mentioned she had brought some token gifts for DC's (we have never expected any anyway).

Rewind 12 months and I met her boyfriend and his daughter. This has been the only time I met his daughter.

Fast forward to now and we meet up at Christmas, she brings the boyfriend. She gives the DC's their gift and say thank you. Her boyfriend looks at me a bit expectantly and I'm a bit confused by it (no gifts for adults usually) she is giving me equally expectant looks. I ask what for and was told "Nothing."

On the way home (met up at a pub) I get the following text.

"Both C and myself are quite disappointed you never brought a present for B (C's daughter) for Christmas, this comes across as a bit one sided and selfish to us both and I can only hope that you will think of your neice on Christmas day without a present from you and your family and feel shame."

I replied back "Are you serious ?!"

She hasn't replied since.

I hadn't even thought about it as I have only met the girl once and my sister doesn't even send presents or acknowledge her own neices and nephews !

DH thinks I should tell her do one

The very most the reaction should have been was a fleeting thought of tight arse which would be quickly quashed.

That text is ridiculous and far outweighs any low level Christmas present grumpiness.

So I suppose I think YANBU to tell her to do one.

It ain't normal. No no no.

You are right op, she isn't your niece.

And I do not believe for one second that any of the people above, who've said it was mean not to give her something, gave a gift to every child they'd ever met this Christmas. It isn't mean, the little girl will not give one hoot that you didn't give her anything. Why would she, she probably has no idea who you are fgs.

If she had been present it would be a different matter, as you say. So YANBU.

Your sister sounds like hard work. I wouldn't be calling her back in a hurry.

It was my understanding that the little girl wasn't there but OP was told in advance that her sister was bringing gifts for her DC.

Am I wrong?

Littlethorin, your 23:12 post: gold, pure gold.

LittleThorin Yes I think she did know in advance, but tbh I don't see what difference it makes.
And I would question the sister's motives in flagging it up, actually, as if she was signalling that the OP should get her boyfriend's dd a gift in return. Sadly, the OP missed the hint, as I would have done also.

Well this is just me I suppose but if someone said can we meet up at Christmas I have some gifts for your DC then I would just get a little something for the other child.

But I suppose the history etc and not having met the child more than once I can see why it might slip your mind or not seem appropriate.

If they wanted to get the little girl more involved in the family they should have made more effort to meet up throughout the year I think rather than just at Christmas for a token gift.

Maybe, if the dsis had ever made an effort to include her bf's dd in family events up to this point. But this one has come out of the blue.

Oh God, just realised I only address Christmas cards to best friend and her children - added her boyfriend once he moved in, but never even thought of adding his son, who lives elsewhere and who I've never met.

Anyway, even if we agree that it might have been a nice gesture for the OP to send a tube of sweets for this child that she's only ever met in passing a year ago, it absolutely does NOT excuse the boyfriend's appalling manners in sulking, flouncing and demanding written apologies for the omission. What a wanker.

Well Thor i get the impression that the op isn't fussed about getting the child involved with her family and why should she?

She is the child of her sister's short-ish term boyfriend. The sister doesn't live with her boyfriend or the child. Trying to co-opt this girl into the family would be weird and may well be resented by her actual family.

YABU - I'm sure the little girl felt awful sitting in the ashes by the fire watching her cousins, your DC, playing with all the lovely toys provided by her Daddy and (step) MUMMY. You're a really wicked step auntie.

I mean the sister not the OP compos.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to buy a present on those terms :/ If the daughter was standing there I might have gone and rustled up a gift (shouldn't have been that hard to match smarties), but really I HATE that thing people do where they don't say anything at the time and then send a snarky text, if it means that much, say it at the time! And probably would've reacted as you had.
Just tell her you didn't realise she would feel that way, based on the relatively short nature of their relationship and the few meetings you honestly hadn't come to think of her as a niece, but now you know how much it means to her, you'll make sure to include her as 'blood' family next time. And that it would've been useful for her to say she felt that way at the time ;p

Actually I'm coming round to the idea that some have picked up on, that the BF's behaviour is really rather strange and might be indicative of something more serious.

Would your sister feel able to talk to you about how her life is going? You would have to ask some very sneaky questions, about how often she sees friends, how much time she spends with BF, what sort of relationship he has with his DD's mother, those sort of things. Then work out whether or not there is anything to worry about.

I might have gone and rustled up a gift (shouldn't have been that hard to match smarties)

A packet of dry roasted peanuts? A G&T?

Are there still some of you not picking up on the fact the girl wasn't at this "family event"?

No. I am aware.

I suppose the fact that the sister bought presents out of the blue & told OP might have been an indication that a present was expeted for the girl.

But hindsight is great, isn't it?

Also, what did the sister say to her boyfriend?

He might have every right to feel that his daughter has been slighted.

Although even if they think of themselves as a family-that hasn't been conveyed to the OP & they rarely see her.

He sounds difficult!

A tube of smarties does not a present make. I'm sorry. It's just not a present.

You should have bought a packet of pork scratchings from the bar and thrown them at his twatty face handed them to The Incredible Sulk for his dd. Whom the OP has barely met. Who wasn't there. And didn't know about the smarties.

I'd feel like telling Smartie Auntie a few home truths but it does sound like the boyfriend might be engineering a situation here.

Why does he have to have a direct email? Would he not trust any apologies conveyed by his partner?

The sister seems far to concerned about how he feels and how it looks. It sets of alarm bells.

i agree bleeding heart , when are you meeting your sister?

If she regarded her boyfriend and his daughter as now part of her family then surely the smarties presents should have beeen from all of them where as you said that she said they were just from her. her boyfriend didn't buy your children xmas presents, you didn't buy his daughter a xmas present. That sounds equal to me.
The only odd thing is an auntie not regularly buying her nieces presents. It seems a tremendous fuss for a couple of tubes of smarties. I'd tell her not to bother in future.

There is nothing to apologise for. He sounds self centred and controlling.

I often thought that Rowntrees are missing a trick by not maufacturing a giant smarty (like the Oversized Quality streets or the chunky Kitkats) Just one massive smartie the size of a discus that could be nibbled on like a squirrel.

I know this doesn't add to the debate, but it is a nice idea.