To be annoyed that being honest is viewed as "negative"

[mumaa]

My ILs are all very positive people, they see the bright side of everything, which is great, nothing wrong with that, but I am starting to get a bit annoyed that they view us, particularly my DH as negative.

DH is very black and white, he doesn't dress anything up, it is what it is, I fill in the grey area a bit for him and say 'maybe look at it this way' and he might go 'hmmm, yeah, but the facts are x, y z'.

My DH runs his own business and times are tough, for everyone, he doesn't moan about anything, we are glad his business is surviving for the moment but it is hard work, stressful and worrying, like many peoples' jobs. When asked how things are last night he said "it's hard, we've got a lot of competition from big firms, the internet, etc. but everyone is in the same boat, big firms are folding so it's a worry when we are just a small fish". His DSis said he was just being negative and is always moaning about something.

Just because he doesn't scatter everything in sunshine and lollipops does not mean he is negative, he's just a realist and actually, he was answering a question, not having a moan (unlike me who is on here moaning about it). The above is just an example, if anything is said by us which isn't happy and skippy it's "oh, look on the bright side" Jesus, I'm not giving it "oh, poor me" I'm just not sh1tting rainbows

I think, unless it's someone with a particularly vested interest, when someone asks 'how are things going?' they're not actually interested in hearing details. They just want a 'fine thanks' response. What your DH did therefore was the equivalent of asking someone 'how are you' and then getting a list of ailments in return...

He's not wrong, obviously, about the business climate, but maybe he needs to learn the social function of platitudes? This sounds a bit like people who respond to a shop assistant or passerby asking 'How are you?' with an account of their lumbago, rather than the required 'Can't complain' or 'Fine, thanks'...? It sounds as if his sister was making a casual enquiry, rather than a genuine question about how your husband was feeling or how the business was doing...

I think it comes down to individual perception and context whether realism is appropriate.

Having said that, it can be very irritating when people are uncomfortable with unpalatable facts. A friend of mine had a terminal illness, and mother kept asking me how she was and trilling 'oh, I'm sure she'll be fine!' I think because she couldn't imagine what I was saying to my friend, if not that...

Cross-posted with Cogito.

Maybe he should ask them in future if they want an honest answer, or should he dress it up a bit.

DH and his blood relatives are a bit more positive than me. It's sometimes funny - I recently got a black eye ( very long and boring reason but no sinister cause) and texted SIL a photo. Her reply I spoof you not, was that my new hair do was very flattering !
I just wish I was more like that tbh.

rookiemater - now that is how to put a positive spin on things!

I'm a realist too and think your husband will be a much better businessman for his outlook, but agree with the others, people who ask don't really want to know.

YABU. I can't stand negative people - such a boring drain of energy. And, as someone else has already pointed out - your reply should be "how do you do?" - nobody cares about your perceived woes.

I guess you have to learn that when some people ask, they don't want to hear anything other than "fine thanks". I have a few of those people who ask how I am (I have health problems) and I always say I'm fine because I know they're only asking to be polite and/or hear what they want to hear.

There's a difference between being scrupulously honest and oversharing.

He could have said "Well of course it's hard in the current climate but I'm working hard and we have a few promising things in the pipeline, hopefully." Same information, positive spin.

Totally agree with Cogito

DH runs his own business too and the last 3 years have been agony at times but the only people who really know the truth of this are our accountant and one other very close couple who are in a similar boat.

We don't pretend to be all sunshine and rainbows, but when people have asked how things are going, they've always got a 'Not too bad considering, bit tough at times as it is for everyone, but hopefully it looks like orders are starting to pick up, thanks. You?"

On occasion it has annoyed me that the PiLs some people think we're leading some kind of charmed yuppie life rolling in mounds of cash, which is based on nothing other than we don't complain about/ask for money, have a prestige car that we saved hard for and don't have kids so must be loaded right? (Erm, have you ever wondered why we don't have kids yet?) But other than that minor niggle, What's the point in spreading the doom? People don't want to know in the main, they can't help (we don't want/need them to), and besides, DH prefers to be completely discrete about work/money/private matters, good and bad.

Sorry, YABU. I think I tend to err on the side of your SiL.....

Yes, I think the comments are right, they didn't want an answer, just making chit chat. It was actually my DHs grandfather who asked the question (sorry should have said that), he, himself used to run his own business so has insight in certain things and asks about parts of the business in today's climate from time to time.

Of courses if it was a social function, DH would have responded with a big standard "things are ok" response, but it was dinner with his family, I find it weird that they are not genuinely interested, not specifically in DH but in real things and just want to hear about "nice" things. wevet the 'oh I'm sure she'll be fine' rings very true, have heard MIL say this of someone in a similar situation.

yes OP I agree

DH sometimes accuses me of being a pessimist - I remind him I am a realist - I say it how it it - not how I want it to be

I am taken aback by these replies and I think YANBU. Your dh was asked by a close relative, not an acquaintance, and I think his answer was fine in that context. I don't have siblings, but dh has a sister and, while I'm not sure I'd describe them as close as they go for long periods with no contact. they care about each other and would want an honest answer when asking about each other.

In the case of close relatives, why ask if you don't want to know?

Sorry about the punctuation error

YANBU.
I think there is a trend for this and it is bad in all sorts of ways.

The most dangerous and horrible thing about it is that if we are never allowed to talk openly about the things that are not good, we can never join together to do something about them. "positivity" is a deliberate strategy in favour of the political status quo.

I think you have to see things how they are to change them. THis is ok with things I can change by myself. But with things that we need to get together to change, no one is allowed to say it, or hear it.

Separately (on things that can't actually be changed):

I noticed recently on FB that people who want to moan about minor things (small illnesses, non-sleeping children etc) nearly always mitigate this with an obviously sarcastic "oh joy" or similar, eg "woo hoo! Third night on the run I'm up with a sick child. Joy!". Obviously these things are minor in the grand scheme of things but the person missing their third night of sleep while the washing machine goes crazy is feeling pretty shit right now. They want to moan, and to reach out for sympathy, and are effectively being pretty honest about this, but still feel the need to add the (however rhetorical) cheer-leading note. Because writing just: "ugh sick child again :(" would be negative and no one would like them.

I agree that he probably confuses meaningless platitude with genuine enquiry. Appreciate that it's slightly different with family though. There's also a risk that admitting stress to others seems like you are obligating them to worry (even if it was just a honest reply, not an "admission", on his part).

" no one would like them."

And for good reason. If they want help they should ask. Passively whining is pointless.

You're confusing two things: asking for help, and saying how you feel. Some people who don't actually need to do the former, and wouldn't want to put people out, do feel better after doing the latter. "pointless" is subjective. You might think that saying "ooooooh my knees ache" to someone who is not a doctor is pointless, but some people get a lot out of saying it and getting some sympathy.

YABU. OP, you yourself said that your DH tends to be very black and white, so much so that you help him fill in the grey areas. So what areas in your DH's life are "white"?

Your DH did moan. I'm not saying that he should have lied, far from it, but a simple "it's tough, bit we're still here/getting by" is more called for than the list of ailments that your DH gave in response.

I'm in the positive camp. I work for myself and so do members of my family. It's not easy, but your DH could've looked at it like this:

" we're still going when some of the big firms are folding - and that can only be a good thing "

...still the same facts. Positive outlook.

Optimism/positive-thinking went a long way towards helping me launch my own business during the recession. It has helped self-employed friends and members of my family to plough on through really hard times.

I'd have rolled my eyes at your DH's response...

It's often a case of glass half full/half empty.
A pessimist's position is often that they are being a realist/honest.

Putting a different swing on it, can say exactly the same thing, but sound very different.
Being with someone who always puts worst case senario can be very tiring-my db is, and it really could put a dampner on a very nice time when all he responds with is negative.

I'm with your husband and believe in honesty, but idle chit is a dull waste of time, if people don't want the truth from me then please don't speak to me.

So he was asked how things are and he said briefly: 'tough, but it's tough for everyone'?

If that was really the extent of his answer then I don't think he's negative or guilty of some social faux pas. She is his sister, I'd expect her to want a reasonably detailed answer about something so important. It's not like bumping into a neighbour and them asking how you are.

I have someone like his sister in my life. She doesn't want to hear bad news. In which case, I'd quite like her to stop asking about things she knows are not going so well.

But she doesn't, because to her, it's polite to ask. But only if people say: 'fine'.

She's quite keen on the theory that having a positive attitude is a cure for cancer, for instance, and that people who get depressed at a poor prognosis aren't responding in a normal way to bad news but being negative which may have an impact on their recovery.

And is a bit depressing.

And, yes, she has asked seriously ill people how they were and been dismayed at them bringing her down.

That's really quite shitty. But I'm just being negative...

I find relentlessly negative people incredibly draining. It's not just being honest. It's about a focus on everything that is wrong and not any of the things that are going right. Not dwelling on the negative isn't dishonest.

DH can be a misery guts. It's exhausting having to deal with it.