To be annoyed that being honest is viewed as "negative"

[mumaa]

My ILs are all very positive people, they see the bright side of everything, which is great, nothing wrong with that, but I am starting to get a bit annoyed that they view us, particularly my DH as negative.

DH is very black and white, he doesn't dress anything up, it is what it is, I fill in the grey area a bit for him and say 'maybe look at it this way' and he might go 'hmmm, yeah, but the facts are x, y z'.

My DH runs his own business and times are tough, for everyone, he doesn't moan about anything, we are glad his business is surviving for the moment but it is hard work, stressful and worrying, like many peoples' jobs. When asked how things are last night he said "it's hard, we've got a lot of competition from big firms, the internet, etc. but everyone is in the same boat, big firms are folding so it's a worry when we are just a small fish". His DSis said he was just being negative and is always moaning about something.

Just because he doesn't scatter everything in sunshine and lollipops does not mean he is negative, he's just a realist and actually, he was answering a question, not having a moan (unlike me who is on here moaning about it). The above is just an example, if anything is said by us which isn't happy and skippy it's "oh, look on the bright side" Jesus, I'm not giving it "oh, poor me" I'm just not sh1tting rainbows

he said "it's hard, we've got a lot of competition from big firms, the internet, etc. but everyone is in the same boat, big firms are folding so it's a worry when we are just a small fish".

Surely the normal answer to this goes "Yeah, it is worrying, Alice was saying much the same last week, good to hear you're holding up." Not "Liven up, misery guts!"

Or they could ask a pertinent question about the H's business. Or they could just go "Mmmmh. Another biscuit?"

I think the sister's remark was quite rude. It's taken me three pages to come to this conclusion!

Well done Garlic! :D

Personally, I'd hate to discover that my family/friends didn't feel they could tell me what was worrying them in case I thought they were moany or negative. I'd take a bit of a look at myself.

Sorry, that was supposed to be a :o

I got it

Limited, I don't understand.

Dione

If he is depressed, do you think that his sister complaining he is always moaning is an empathic or helpful thing to say?

Compos

You have exaggerated throughout your posts: "ceaseless moaning", "wallowing", "hellbent on dragging someone down to his level of misery".

And I'd say from what you have said, that you are one of those people who feels really uncomfortable if you merely feel a bit down, and if you don't feel you can "do" something about it, you get angry with the person who is down.

Aggressive positivity is the force that is being opposed by the movement towards compassionate hospice-model care

66 that was to Compos

www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/08/02/100802fa_fact_gawande?currentPage=all

I took it Dione that you were being obtuse. The discussion here is about (supposed) positivity v negativity. It was a cheap shot to compare the two stories imo.

Re the OP's H's supposed negativity - perhaps he is resolutely realist because he was brought up with a load of nincompoops who insist black is white etc and had to balance the books a bit.

Springy, I did not make the comparison Limited did. I pointed out that in my opinion the two are not comparable.

It could be that the sister was being insensitive, it could also be that OP's DH likes moaning about work and his sister and grandfather like moaning about OP's DH, or perhaps the sister would say that what she said is a fact. In which case the family is more alike than they think.

This happened to me recently. Someone was all gung ho about something they were doing that was in fact very flawed. I pointed it out as tactfully as possible and she accused of a negative attitude. She continued doing what she was doing and it ended in tears. This is why negative people have to be listened to, usually there is a lot of truth in what they say.

Unlike our lovely Chancellor who can't bear to hear all the economists telling him that sorry mate the plan isn't working, they continue on to take everyone on down the path to self-destruction with them, with a stupid smile on their face.

Op YANBU at all in my opinion. If I ask how someone is then it's because I actually want to know and care. I'd never ask it just to look polite or something.
Nothing wrong with your DHs response at all.

High class negativity from Maggie Smith :)

My birth family are relentlessly negative. If you tell them something bad has happened, they'll point out how it's actually worse than you thought. If you tell them about something good, they'll see the downside. If you tell them your plans they'll point out why it won't work. As a result I've tried really hard to develop a more positive viewpoint but it is hard to find the balance.

People don't want to be told to look on the bright side, nor do they want to be told that you agree, and their situation is in fact completely hopeless. They want to be listened to. If you respond with questions about how they feel and listen to their negative feelings without judgment, they will usually find some bright side of their own, which will mean a hell of a lot more to them than being told that of course it'll be fine.

DuskandShiver, I just read all of that. Very thought provoking - thank you.

"Realistic" isn't the same as "constructive" though.

Thanks for that link DuskAndShiver I read it until about halfway and then skipped to the end because it's very long and my life might be very short

But it's exactly right about how realistic terminally ill people can be and how cruel it is for someone at the end of their life to have to waste precious moments humouring other people who can't face reality.

It's all the more powerful by being written by someone whose first instinct was to do something and who realised that sometimes the best thing for the patient is just to let it be.

People don't want to be told [what to do or what to think]. They want to be listened to.

Exactly, mostlyharmless>

Running your own business is incredibly, incredibly hard

OP your dh shouldn't even have to think about how he comes across to his own sister

If he felt negative st the time so what

We do platitudes but close family Should be aware if you are finding it tough

Blimey this is an old thread
How did I get here

Aggressive positivity! I hate that.

It's just a way of someone saying actually I don't want to listen to your shit