To be annoyed that being honest is viewed as "negative"

[mumaa]

My ILs are all very positive people, they see the bright side of everything, which is great, nothing wrong with that, but I am starting to get a bit annoyed that they view us, particularly my DH as negative.

DH is very black and white, he doesn't dress anything up, it is what it is, I fill in the grey area a bit for him and say 'maybe look at it this way' and he might go 'hmmm, yeah, but the facts are x, y z'.

My DH runs his own business and times are tough, for everyone, he doesn't moan about anything, we are glad his business is surviving for the moment but it is hard work, stressful and worrying, like many peoples' jobs. When asked how things are last night he said "it's hard, we've got a lot of competition from big firms, the internet, etc. but everyone is in the same boat, big firms are folding so it's a worry when we are just a small fish". His DSis said he was just being negative and is always moaning about something.

Just because he doesn't scatter everything in sunshine and lollipops does not mean he is negative, he's just a realist and actually, he was answering a question, not having a moan (unlike me who is on here moaning about it). The above is just an example, if anything is said by us which isn't happy and skippy it's "oh, look on the bright side" Jesus, I'm not giving it "oh, poor me" I'm just not sh1tting rainbows

Do you run one? It entirely depends on the type of business, obviously.

This thread is ridiculous.

Sister asks man how things are in his life.
Man replies.
Sister complains about answer given.

And that's seen as normal???? Sometimes, no often, I feel like I live on a different planet to many MNers where lives appear full of etiquette traps waiting to catch people out, so others can be offended. It must make life terribly complicated.

And if I were the OP I'd be pretty upset about all this pseudo psychology bring directed at, and conclusions being drawn about my husband.

At the moment, sadly yes.

In some places it might be the norm for infant mortality to be 70 per cent (for the sake of argument).

Would it be okay to cry if your baby died or should you say: 'Mustn't grumble. I've got another one'?

there is nothing you can do to console them or make the situation better for them

Genuinely, why should you be the saviour in someone else's difficulty? Why should it be about you? It's not about you, it's about them. If you care about them, sit with them in their pit. The time will come when they can get out - and most will take the first chance, imo

I recently read a fable of sorts, about a monk who saw a man who had fallen down. The monk laid down beside the man until the man could get up.

We all like to be the hero, to be useful, relevant, valuable. It's not always appropriate. Imo it is perfectly reasonable, indeed human, to be suffering at various times. It's inhuman to have to pretend you're not with the people closest to you.

The conversation was between OP's DH and his grandfather, not his sister. It is possible that the DH's family are concerned about his negativity. The OP herself has said that she sometimes asks her DH to look at things from a different perspective. But he returns to his negative view of the situation.

or, even, to be attacked as arrogant or rude if you let your suffering show. Particularly if you're specifically asked!

Limited are you seriously comparing his moans about being a smell business owner to the pain of someone who has lost a child?

Perhaps it's the 'saviour' who is in fact being arrogant and rude.

I'm seeing this thread as more than the op though - it's the attitudes people are displaying on it. Don't try expressing your worries and concerns and stresses, even when asked, even by family. People might think you're boring and negative.

What kind of society does that?

Dione don't try to pull that one. It's embarrassing. BTW, I don't mean to me.

OP, YANBU. Your husband wasn't being unreasonable OR negative. He gave a brief, honest, balanced - just not rose-tinted - account of how business was going, because he'd been asked by a member of his family.

I have ongoing health problems. Not only do I not moan about them but I never even volunteer information about how things are, UNLESS someone close to me asks, in which case I will give a short, honest summary. If they don't want to know they shouldn't bloody ask. I also hate the "positivity police" - but love the phrase! Totally agree with the posts above by Hester & springysofa.

'Suffering' , isn't that a bit melodramatic to describe a bloke who seems hell bent on seeing only negative with his job and feels no problems in dragging everyone down to his level of misery.

It isn't like he complaining about a specific issue, he complaining about work insecurity and the economic downturn. Something we've all had to live with (and if he has been moaning like this since 2007 I really pity his family)

But anyway I digress. A saint might be able to put up with someone who feels 'I will wallow in the misery and you should sit and take it, until I arbitrarily decide otherwise' but then we are not saints. I am happy to help friends and family when they have problems, but it isn't on for social occasions/family time to be taken over with ceaseless and non-specific moaning.

My goodness, Compos. That's quite an extrapolation. I salute your insight.

Hester - "we are a nation of PR people and cold call salesmen with no manufacturing base" as ProfDent so accurately put it!

I made a long, successful career out of a positive attitude. I can find a silver lining in most things; my default position is to look for a benefit in any given situation. That in itself gets on a lot of people's nerves, but it's not lying about reality. I've always felt people were welcome to kid themselves that shit smells of violets, but I'm now perceiving it as an urgent political problem as people just refuse to look at ugly facts ... ironically, this leads them to some very ugly behaviour. I'd say it's ugly to tell a dying patient they're fine really.

Precious, I have a chronic illness, too. It can be hard to judge the right answer, can't it? With people I know, I tend to say something like "Oh, same old, same old, you know," rapidly followed by "How about you?" All the same, some repeat offenders insist I'm getting better, or will be better soon, or should follow some exercise programme or diet that will make me better - just so they can feel good about their world by ignoring my disabilities and ongoing crapness! By doing this, they're blaming me for being a blot on their Teletubby landscape. It makes me feel horrid. They should just shut the fuck up and answer my question instead!

NO extrapolation at all Hester it is merely descriptive.

Limited, you said "Would it be ok to cry if your baby died or should you say: mustnt grumble, I've got another one". I am not trying to pull anything, your post was one of the most ridiculous things I've read in a long time here (and that's saying something).

Running a small business is a choice. It comes with some difficulties. Moaning about these is also a choice, some people are fine with moaning, some will say it makes you sound negative.

None of this is comparable to losing a child or family member to terminal illness, which is not a choice and causes heartbreak and devastation.

Dione - other people DO say it's a mercy you've got another one, and/or you can always try for another one. Limited wasn't exaggerating, that is just how cruel 'positivity' can be!

It is cruel Garlic, I know just how cruel it is to be in such a situation. But it is in no way comparable to what is going on with the OP.

I know just how cruel it is to be in such a situation

And what makes you think I don't dione?

I read this discussion as being about relentlessly cheerful people, who tend to be that way in every circumstance. Struggling economy, military genocide, violence against women, political corruption, traffic jam, burnt dinner, poorly infant, stubbed toe ... just doesn't matter, trala! Can you smell the violets? Aren't they lovely!

Argh!

And I don't have another one

But Dione, people DO moan about things they might have chosen! Nurses moan. Teachers moan. Lawyers and barristers are currently moaning about their pay. Firefighters are currently moaning about their pensions. Coastal rescue services and lifeboat crews are currently moaning about people going too near the coast in case they need rescuing, and they're volunteers ffs!

No one is ever allowed to moan if the situation is one which they originally chose, is that correct? These people presumably chose their professions?

People sometimes moan. It's allowed. Get over it.

Hester, I don't run a small business. My boyfriend does and I am self employed. I am well aware of the challenges of running your own business in a difficult economic climate, but even when things are good there is always competition etc.

It is possible that the the OP's DH is a natural Eyore.
It is possible that DH's family are natural Pollyannas.
If either of these are the case then it's hardly surprising that sometimes one party will comment on the attitude of the other.

It is also possible that the OP's DH has become more negative recently and may be depressed (depression has a co-morbid relationship with anxiety) and this discussion has happened because his family is worried about him. None of us are in a position to know, all we can do is give our opinions as asked for by the OP.

Limited, I know nothing of your personal circumstances and did not comment upon them.

I commented on your comparison between someone complaining about the day to day running of a business and someone expressing the pain and suffering of a bereavement. They are too different to be compared as I detailed in my post above.

Another thing we disagree on then, dione