To be annoyed that being honest is viewed as "negative"

[mumaa]

My ILs are all very positive people, they see the bright side of everything, which is great, nothing wrong with that, but I am starting to get a bit annoyed that they view us, particularly my DH as negative.

DH is very black and white, he doesn't dress anything up, it is what it is, I fill in the grey area a bit for him and say 'maybe look at it this way' and he might go 'hmmm, yeah, but the facts are x, y z'.

My DH runs his own business and times are tough, for everyone, he doesn't moan about anything, we are glad his business is surviving for the moment but it is hard work, stressful and worrying, like many peoples' jobs. When asked how things are last night he said "it's hard, we've got a lot of competition from big firms, the internet, etc. but everyone is in the same boat, big firms are folding so it's a worry when we are just a small fish". His DSis said he was just being negative and is always moaning about something.

Just because he doesn't scatter everything in sunshine and lollipops does not mean he is negative, he's just a realist and actually, he was answering a question, not having a moan (unlike me who is on here moaning about it). The above is just an example, if anything is said by us which isn't happy and skippy it's "oh, look on the bright side" Jesus, I'm not giving it "oh, poor me" I'm just not sh1tting rainbows

limited

I think people are often like this because they can't cope emotionally with bad things so they push it away. It's really a reflection of their lack of emotional intelligence I think - to be insensitive to what you are saying about how you feel.

Sorry about your mum.

What's PMA?

I've got a feeling it's going to be like that Cosmic Ordering shit.

When having a particularly shitty time I joked to someone that I thought I must have been a really bad person in a previous life to deserve such treatment and she gravely informed me that I probably had been.

I took a deep breath and let her live. But only because she's 3,000 miles away and I couldn't get my hands on her.

I suppose I could always locate some anthrax spores over the internet and post them.

Parsitive Mendal Additood

Apologies to any Americans out there

Yes and no, I mean there is a happy clappy trend to be positive these days, and maybe I associate it with all kinds of things, the (brace yourself) increasing feminisation of society, not all bad by any means – but it used to be the case that to slag something off could be seen as a bit punk, back in the 60s and 70s, but now I look back at those macho aggressive bands and think they are a bit whiney... brittle. They just seem a bit silly. Great tunes though.

On the other hand, today it is all Gary Barlow and James Blunt, and no political songs at all, we are a nation of PR people and cold call salesmen with no manufacturing base, focused on London rather than the plain-speaking North.

This doesn't tie in with the OP, but it does seem if you say something negative, you must be a negative person. Like if you slagged off Blair's Iraq soon to be debacle, it would be all, wow, aren't you the gloomy one? Onwards and upwards!

I agree newt. Thanks. Sorry for pulling the Dead Mum card btw

You pull it girl

Thanks all, some very interesting points of view... Some asked what DH is positive about, he's not a negative person, so lots of things, his DSis saying "you're always moaning" is her view from a persistently positive place, he isn't always moaning, he wouldn't manage to run his own business which relies on interaction with the public and customer service if he were. I just don't think mentioning the recent closing of business in the same industry to him being a concern to your own family should be a problem, nor should it need dressing up, or a "positive spin".

limited I'm sorry to hear about your mum and entirely agree with newt

It's a bit of a worry if we can't have real conversations with family and close friends about things, of course acquaintances/social gatherings are a different case. I don't think "being negative" ever achieves anything, but like others have said being overtly positive can be inappropriate, sometimes you have to face facts, be realistic and be aware of circumstances around you.

tbh your dh sounds like a right whinger

Yanbu. Jesus if you can't be honest with family- who can you be honest with? Yeah whiners are a pita but doesn't sound like he was whining.

I disagree with most if the posters, and agree with those saying, it isn't a passer by, with platitudes. It's family asking, who should be genuinely interested.

I think your dH should be able to have a real honest and open frank discussion with his sister

By putting a positive spin in everything they are really being very British and stiff upper lipped.

Ok so maybe the checkout girl only needs false niceties but what about friends and relatives who are close? I'd really want my friends and relatives to share their worries. Listening and supporting each other is what builds relationships.

I don't like a constant continuous moaner either but life hits us with both positives and negatives and I like to share/listen to both with my loved ones. To not share/listen to the ups and downs would mean our relationship was shallow and surface. You can't be close if you can't be open.

There is a very big difference between someone who just moans for the sake of it and someone who is genuinely finding life difficult and is feeling down about it. One of my colleagues is one of those relentlessly positive people who can never see the bad in anyone - she is hopelessly naive and often downright stupid. She has no idea at all about the problems that the health service (and our practice) is facing - or the fact that she is likely to be losing her job soon as we can't afford her anymore.

Sometimes life is shit and it is just so fucking tiring having to pretend it is not.

I have 2 sisters and we tell each other the absolute truth about our lives - it's how we all keep sane. In fact, if my younger sister had not been completely honest about what was happening in her marriage, then she would be dead now.

Is your DH's life "shit" OP?

There is another problem, as the guy is only facing up. I mean, otherwise he can be seen as bullshitting, if it turns out he's been making out things are great when they're not. Sometimes it's nice to hear someone tell it how it is, it could make them feel less bad about their own situation. But it's a fine line.

YANBU. That is a perfectly reasonable answer to give a relative. Honest and not very negative. I would be really disappointed if friends and family palmed me off with positive spins on situations because they didn't think I was interested in how they really are.

This topic fills me with dread - as does the dreaded social faux pas phrase.

It's just fucking weird how we can't tell it like it is, have to put some mental spin on it. When things are bad, they're bad; when they're good, they're good - no need to put a spin on it either way. I find this british charade thoroughly exhausting and have more than once been on the end of the situ sebsmummy describes and it has not been unknown to say, when they launch the saviour nonsense, 'what are you doing ?' and I privately think 'who do you think you are?'

It's not all about the person who is asking, just to clarify. You could short-circuit the whole absurd charade by smiling and asking straight back 'how are you?' without actually replying to the original query. Saves time, plus you get to see where they're really coming from.

Bottom line is that people mean well I suppose but I really don't want to be plastered in the weirdness of the person asking.

YANBU. You should be able to tell close family the truth.

YANBU. Plastic positivity is so overrated and faddy. It's a way of people to feel proud of themselves for being "positive", while lazily avoiding engaging in real relationships with anyone who's a realist not a Pollyanna. It's a smug put-down to other people because you can be blamed for being "negative", instead of these people actually taking an interest in you or being kind and supportive.

By putting a positive spin in everything they are really being very British and stiff upper lipped.

I see it more as an American thing, the woo "positivity cures all" psychobabble which began as a 19th century theory.

Positive Thinking Makes Us Miserable

Barbara Ehrenreich's book, Smile Or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America and the World, challenges the "distinctive American ideology of positive thinking" and the positivity industry.

Your husband is being unreasonable and a bit of a drag.

Your husband seems like one of those people who when you ask 'HOw are you?'

Rather than answering with a social nicety 'fine' or 'not bad' will give you a run down of every ache and pain they've ever suffered from.

Fifteen minutes later you're eyeing the door and inwardly screaming 'shut the fuck up you gloomy bastard'

Surely a 'not bad' or something similar would have sufficed in social situations.

This is very interesting. I thought it was an English thing - both my parents were born abroad, although half of British descent. I always hung out with the foreigners in the dcs playground, couldn't handle the positive thinking expected at 9am after you've spent 30 minutes stressing with your dcs. Couldn't handle the 3 week advance planning of playdates and the strict teatime schedule. The never talking about politics or religion because it might end up in disagreement or seriousness. I think there is someting deceptive and untrustworthy about people who smile all the time. Life is never that good, why pretend it is?

Some of the best people I know have been through terrible things, but address it for what it is and then find something to laugh about. I guess I should move up North...

the Americans may have put a spin on it but it is quintessentially British to lie your head off constantly not tell the truth about your situ - good OR bad! - because it's considered 'bad form' to 'put your stuff on somebody else'. Since when were the vissisitudes of my life the property of someone else? I'm not putting anything on anybody if I tell it like it is. We're perfectly capable of bearing/enjoying the bad and the good, we don't need anybody's help like we're disabled. Though I could argue that it is a disability to not roll with whatever comes your way.

I think it was Desmond Tutu who said one of the first things he learned here in blighty is that it is considered socially unacceptable to have any negative feelings. And that's have negative feelings, let alone express them or tell anybody about them.

In most of real life I am very stiff upper lip. I work with people who have no idea that I suffer from depression. (Seriously, I am not kidding myself - someone asked me the other day how I managed my life so well with no angst or heartache. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA)

But I think that is part of the job. One of the things I commit to, along with being clean and tidy and punctual, is not burdening my workmates with my psychodramas. It is a courtesy to them while we all get on with our work (and they do the same of course)

I accept that, but I do not accept that this is a requirement in our personal relationships and I am deeply suspicious of the cult of positivity. Change requires analysis, honesty, authenticity. And so does emotional support from your nearest and dearest, even if they can't actually change anything for you.

Being expected to be positive at all times is equivalent to being expected to be at work at all times. Read Nina Power on this in One Dimensional Woman.

British people with a stiff upper lip can still talk in depth about negative things instead of positive with people close to them. I think there's a difference between being politely reserved, and having a cheesy grin and blaming people's misfortunes on not having "thought positively".