To be annoyed that being honest is viewed as "negative"

[mumaa]

My ILs are all very positive people, they see the bright side of everything, which is great, nothing wrong with that, but I am starting to get a bit annoyed that they view us, particularly my DH as negative.

DH is very black and white, he doesn't dress anything up, it is what it is, I fill in the grey area a bit for him and say 'maybe look at it this way' and he might go 'hmmm, yeah, but the facts are x, y z'.

My DH runs his own business and times are tough, for everyone, he doesn't moan about anything, we are glad his business is surviving for the moment but it is hard work, stressful and worrying, like many peoples' jobs. When asked how things are last night he said "it's hard, we've got a lot of competition from big firms, the internet, etc. but everyone is in the same boat, big firms are folding so it's a worry when we are just a small fish". His DSis said he was just being negative and is always moaning about something.

Just because he doesn't scatter everything in sunshine and lollipops does not mean he is negative, he's just a realist and actually, he was answering a question, not having a moan (unlike me who is on here moaning about it). The above is just an example, if anything is said by us which isn't happy and skippy it's "oh, look on the bright side" Jesus, I'm not giving it "oh, poor me" I'm just not sh1tting rainbows

I agree with slimjiminy and I'm one of those annoying people who believe attitude can effect what happens to you in life.

Think positive and positive things will happen. Dwell on the negative and that's what you'll attract.

It sounds like a bit of sisterly ribbing to me. Is your DH touchy as well as moany, or is it just you that has taken the hump?

I actually really get what you are saying and can relate. I am an over sharer, in that if someone asks me something I tend to give an honest answer as opposed to platitudes. This has actually regularly got me into trouble as people then see me as someone that needs helping as I'm obviously struggling and before I know it I end up as someone's 'project' and get spoken to like I am 12.

I think it's pretty difficult to change your default setting but I am starting to think I should just give limited information in future and keep it breezy.

Some people take the PMA trend to excessive lengths. While it is great to be positive not all of us want to completely divorce ourselves from reality. I think your sil sounds rude, your dh was responding to a question raised by someone else. Tough, if she has to occassionally take in a dose of reality.

What can you do? Rise above it and carry on as you see fit.

It is all subjective, what one person sees as reality, someone else sees as moaning. What one persons sees as a positive sunny disposition, another may view as naive sillyness. Just do whatever you think is right and tell sil to stop judging and passing remarks!

A friend of mine had a terminal illness, and mother kept asking me how she was and trilling 'oh, I'm sure she'll be fine!'

wevet that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Given that they are close relatives, I'd say YANBU, OP. I think that some people don't want to hear negative stuff because they don't really know what to do with that information and it makes them feel a bit helpless so they are brusque back like your DHs parents.

So you just have to learn who you can tell the truth to and who you can't.

I agree relentless negativity is draining, but then, as Cynical says, if you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question. Idle chit chat with aquaintances is one thing, but I'd hope for more from relatives

Positivity Police ! lol

sebsmum

Me too

There's definitely a social need for glossing over or putting a positive up-spin on tough times. However you shouldn't need to do that with immediate family.

In more general terms it really annoys me when people post "X has happened, will it be okay?" and ALL the evidence/research/facts/whatever points towards the fact it will not be okay. Yet anyone, and I don't just mean me because I see it happen to loads of people, who dares post the truth no matter how kindly worded gets accused of being "negative" followed by "I'm sure it'll be fine hun" to the OP. Which doesn't really do them any favours in the long term unless they just wanted to stick their heads in the sand which isn't a great approach either!

I liked Caitlin Moran's chapter on childbirth in her book "How To Be A Woman"

Shit, wrong thread!

Precious

I think that's me too. I am rubbish at hiding my feelings.

YANBU - just as overly negative people are draining, so too are the overly positive. And your DH is being neither, and ffs if you can't add a bit of detail to your parents, we may as well all shut up and read from scripts. S'pose next time he should just say "lovely" with a beaming smile and mention how "nice" it is to see the snowdrops, crocii or whatever is the new bloom flower. at 'shitting rainbows'.

OP, what areas of his life is your DP positive about?

YANBU op, surely close family would be interested in more than a brief reply and be genuinely concerned about how things are going?
My friend puts a positive spin on everything, every negative can be turned into a positive etc etc, I find it very draining!

I have a realistic outlook, positive if something seems positive, cautiously hopeful otherwise or braced if not. Being continually positive about everything and never acknowledging that something may not go the right way just seems like kidding yourself to me.

I think I find a reasonable mix.

I have met a few people who are relentlessly positive but it seems to have an air of desperation and anxiety about it. Like they can't reveal what's really going on.

I'm not wishing to imply that's always the case, of course.

I must confess I am a bit negative. But eternally cheerful people get on my nerves a bit. It's just a matter of opinion. Not one is wrong and the other right. IMHO

Oh god I'm nodding along here. My ex employer/friend was exhaustingly positive but also quite untruthful into the bargain. On the one hand she could be such a breath if fresh air on a bad day, but sometimes she used to just scare the almighty shit out of me when she would brazenly lie about things I knew the truth about.

When the relationship came to an end when I left her employ it made me realise how exhausting that relationship has been.

The people I'm referring to were lovely, but brittle, like if they let the mask slip the whole world would come crashing.

the positivity police molly you are so right

My mum died recently. Four days before she did, my Dr Pangloss asked me how she was.

Bear in mind this person knew my mother was in intensive care following complications during surgery.

I said her doctor had taken me into a side room that day and described my mother's condition as not impossible but 'grave' and 'life-threatening'. I said I wondered whether he was preparing me for her death.

This person said: 'Oh you're such a pessimist! Your mum's a fighter. She wouldn't want you to think like that.'

I refrained from losing it with her but the truth was, my mum's heart was fucked, and no amount of positive thinking was going to fix it.

In this person's tiny-minded way she probably thought she was doing me some good. Do you know what? She wasn't. She was being stupid and quite possibly selfish because I was bringing her down and she was thinking of herself, not me.

My mum was indeed a very determined woman. And she was really pissed off to be leaving us. But sometimes we have no choice, and she accepted the inevitable and told us not to cry.

Sometimes I ask people when they say how are you "Are you being polite or do you want to know".

Some interesting responses at times.

YANBU at all. I detest the modern 'positive thinking' trend. It's a great way to get us to shut up and smile. It's also a great trick to pull when yiu don't want to face reality in eg your relationship.

I have a very dear friend who is obsessed with PMA. No matter what happens, she finds the silver lining. I love and admire her for this, but it goes too far sometimes. Like when she was with a crap bf for years on end but nobody could mention his failings as she was 'trying to focus on the positive'.

I must admit I usually prefer to deal with facts, not a pretend version as spun by the positivity police. I try to be polite, tactful etc in social situations and I don't drone on negatively to anybody but my closest friends. But we all need a moan, and should be allowed to do it IMO.