To be annoyed that being honest is viewed as "negative"

[mumaa]

My ILs are all very positive people, they see the bright side of everything, which is great, nothing wrong with that, but I am starting to get a bit annoyed that they view us, particularly my DH as negative.

DH is very black and white, he doesn't dress anything up, it is what it is, I fill in the grey area a bit for him and say 'maybe look at it this way' and he might go 'hmmm, yeah, but the facts are x, y z'.

My DH runs his own business and times are tough, for everyone, he doesn't moan about anything, we are glad his business is surviving for the moment but it is hard work, stressful and worrying, like many peoples' jobs. When asked how things are last night he said "it's hard, we've got a lot of competition from big firms, the internet, etc. but everyone is in the same boat, big firms are folding so it's a worry when we are just a small fish". His DSis said he was just being negative and is always moaning about something.

Just because he doesn't scatter everything in sunshine and lollipops does not mean he is negative, he's just a realist and actually, he was answering a question, not having a moan (unlike me who is on here moaning about it). The above is just an example, if anything is said by us which isn't happy and skippy it's "oh, look on the bright side" Jesus, I'm not giving it "oh, poor me" I'm just not sh1tting rainbows

YANBU.

If people aren't interested, then they really shouldn't ask. Drives me wild when someone who's clearly concerned about their business is called "negative" when they voice those worries. What kind of sister isn't really interested anyway?

There are some pretty harsh responses on here. No wonder so many small business people are so stressed.

What is this 'social situation/social nicety' ye speak of Compos?

If this means to have relationships where all you talk about is cream cakes then go ahead and be bland. Not all of us want that (and will similarly be inwardly screaming and looking at the door for a way out if that's all that's on offer).

And the "you're always moaning" accusations always come from the most negative people not speaking from experience, no not at all!

Someone likened it to asking about illness, or medical treatment. "Oh you'll be fine, I KNOW you will!" etc. Actually how the chuff do you know that?

I used to say to my next door neighbour 'How are you?' and she'd give me an honest answer... I started avoiding her in the end it was so depressing!

I work with someone who is "a realist" and "very black and white in her thinking". She does come across as very negative and quite whiny, especially when the conversation as been quite light before she joins in. It can feel as if she has put a big downer on what was a fun chat, and that her "serious" talk always has to trump our daft, but enjoyable talk.

There is a place for honesty with your own family, but you have to pick your time and place, same as any other situation. If you're in the middle of a group who are just doing chatting, going into a gloomy rant about business will seem very negative. Having an honest chat about your situation later, in a more private way, is confiding rather than broadcasting.

No it isn't being bland, just aware that friends and family don't want a diatribe of how shite and difficult my job is and then listing all the ways it is shite.

Because there's no real request for practical help, it just takes the form of unsolicited moaning.

It is also utterly purposeless What can the person on the receiving end do other than say 'oh dear' ? or 'sorry to hear it?'

That isn't a conversation.

If you need emotional support or practical advice: fine ask for it. But don't use other people as a vehicle for venting your spleen.

My bugbear is the 'that's like me, I...' people who think that talking about their 'similar situation' is empathy.

YANBU - your DH should be able to speak honestly to his sister about any problems. You would assume that a family member who asked a question wanted an honest answer.

Neighbours/check out girls/hairdressers are one thing. Family are quite another. Parents and siblings should be interested in one another. My mother is one of those dreadful stiff upper lippers and thinks she's thoroughly strong and admirable, never telling me or DSis what's going on with our dad's illness for example. Then when the shit occasionally hits the fan, she uses what she hasn't told one or other of us to play us off against each other. It's fucking tedious.

But ComposHat, what then is the point of ever sharing ANYTHING? Why are business worries, for a small business owner, any less valid than personal problems? No one on MN seems to advocate keeping those to yourself. Quite often the listener is unable to do anything practical except listen. So what?

When I had dd2, a friend of mine who was pregnant with almost the same due date, had her baby stillborn. It was so sad. I couldn't talk to anyone about my feelings about this because the other people I knew who knew her, were closer to her and my job was to support them as they were sadder than I was. My mum was staying and I tried to tell her, and 3 times at the beginning of the story she cut me off. I think she knew something awful was coming and refused to hear. I cried alone (hormonal) about this a lot, feeling very guilty. I can't bear the "never say die" thing.

Yanbu unless your dh is a relentless dementor type who looks at the negative in everything. In the same way others complain about annoying upbeat people I would argue the other way is worse. After an hour with my ils any happiness drains away and I have a splitting headache. Everything is met with sighs and tuts. I took them on a lovely day out to a local historic town, drove them, showed them round, got them on an organised tour, weather was glorious. When dh got home all they said was that I had burnt some toast and set our fire alarm off for 2 mins. It actually drives me mad I would never voluntarily spend time with people like that.

No it isn't being bland, just aware that friends and family don't want a diatribe of how shite and difficult my job is and then listing all the ways it is shite.

Why not? What's wrong with that? What's also wrong with 'oh dear' 'sorry to hear it?' Next time they'll be funner if you give them the chance ie accept the whole person not only the sunny parts - where are you when the going gets tough (and where will they be when the going gets tough for you?). If their job is shite, it's shite. They'd probably be able to bear it/think of a way out/a solution if they were heard in the general ups and downs.

Wait, you're not thinking they're asking you to sort them out are you? If so, I can quite see why you would think they were being 'socially unacceptable'. But are they asking you to sort them out?

Granted, there are some people who moan and dump, having no intention of finding a way out/solution themselves. Agree that this is a drain. imo these people are a minority, the rest are just grappling with the blinders that come along every now and then.

It is not that his problems are any more or less valid than anyone else's, but it the expectation that people want to listen impotently to a diatribe about the ins and out of his work situation. What the op's husband is doing is uttterly pointless, socially inappropriate, verging on rude and arrogant thinking that his problems trump everyone else's.

Why not approach someone who CAN help and say 'I'm having a problem with this issue, I am torn between doing X or Y what do you think?' Or 'I am finding things are really tight at the moment, and I could do with ideas on making savings'

Then 9 times out of 10 people are happy to help and like being engaged with the problem. It is certainly better for the listener who will doubtlessly prefer that to a recurring tale of woe.

If you really think the person can't support you emotionally or practically why bother burdening them with it?

But, if I'm reading this correctly, he was specifically asked how things were business wise and then his answer was dismissed! Why? Why even ask the question? Why not do with a simple "How are you?"

It's like asking "How is your health?" rather than simply "How are you?" and then being offended when someone gives an answer.

Bloody weird.

kerala, that sounds awful. But it is completely different because you went to all that trouble for them and they failed to appreciate it. That is just plain rude and even if everything was shut and it pissed down, they should have said "How lovely to see some of the local area and get some nice fresh air".

That isn't the same as being asked "how is x?" (where x is in no way the responsibility of the asker) and being told "well, pretty shite, I'm afraid, and it's worrying me a bit"

So why do they ask then? Should we only ask about things which are our responsibility?

I thought the poster's sister in law 'asked how things are' which is pretty ambiguous. Could mean a general inquiry as a way of greeting OR could be specifically about his work.

The OP's DH put a negative spin on what is normal. Therefore he is being negative. The actual combo was with his grandfather who thought it negative enough to mention it to the sister, who in turn thought it worth mentioning to OP.

I wonder if he has always been this way or if he has become more negative recently.

verging on rude and arrogant thinking that his problems trump everyone else's

Is that what he thinks? I beg to differ that that is what he may be thinking. Where do you get the idea that he thinks his problems trump everyone else's? Genuine q.

It's astonishing that people think an anxious man mentioning his worries to his family is so boring/offensive.

I'm so glad my extended family doesn't function like that (the aforementioned mother excepted). If we ask how someone is, we want to hear the answer.

The OP's DH put a negative spin on what is normal. Therefore he is being negative

Eh?

springy it is not asking for any advice, help or assistance, it is not a mutual conversation about working life when both speakers share views and experiences. It is a one sided rant, (or that is how it read to me). It shows no concern about the other person's life or how they are feeling. Having met people like this, there is nothing you can do to console them or make the situation better for them.

If I had a family member like this I would rather they'd come to me and say 'Look it is really tough, I'm working extra hours to pay the bills, would you mind looking after the kids for an afternoon, so I can finish this job or 'can you give me a hand sorting out some paperwork on Sunday, I've been so overwhelmed that I've let it slide.' Rather than constant mumps and moans.

On average, surely it should be normal to be on the positive side of neutral half the time, and recognising the negative the other half of the time? In previous times there wasn't a problem with acknowledging difficulties in the open, if you think about literature from the past etc.

His list of ailments are the norm for small businesses. No?

YANB entirely U because it was family who asked, and they are the ones you should be able to open up to, the ones who should explain when things aren't running smoothly in life. I get frustrated when my dear sis puts a very brief and positive spin on their money problems, because actually I'd prefer to know.

But generally I agree with cogito. I meet up socially with a woman I like - we share a hobby, she's bright and interesting, but she does love to whine, and it gets to the point where I dread meeting her as she will offer up all sorts of petty grievances in my precious time off from family and work. I just want her to keep it light so we can enjoy what we're doing. She seems to have no idea that it's not OK to offload your woes onto others, that it stresses and deflates others, or that others may have far deeper and more pressing woes that they don't share because they don't like to drain other people's energy and quite like a break from the grind of daily life. Having respect for the possibility that others have it just as bad or worse is the reason behind the polite, 'fine thanks, you?' social reply.

Maybe your DH's answer went down badly because it was a social situation - a family gathering rather than a quiet cup of coffee one-to-one. Timing is pretty crucial on these things.