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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am - but I'm so tempted to exact my revenge

306 replies

Revenger · 06/01/2014 09:37

I have never gotten on with my SIL. She's always been nasty to me in a very underhand way. I never confronted her in order to keep family peace. But the final straw came at my wedding where she went out of her way to spoil it for us. There was lots of things but the worst was bringing up my husbands affair. I knew about it, five years had passed and we'd moved on. So she had no good reason to mention this at our wedding.

Anyway, her wedding is booked for this year and I've recently found out that her soon to be DH has shagged one of her bridesmaids. He's had other affairs, but I don't think she knows about this one.

I really want to say to her at the wedding, 'I really admire you and DH. You've got such a strong relationship. I mean, I don't think I'd have been able to have one of my friends as bridesmaid if she and my husband had been having sex' . This would totally play on the fact that she harps on about how her and DP have a better relationship than basically anyone else, but particularly me and DH.

I know this makes me sound evil. I'm not in general but I want to get her back for the years of crap she's put me through.

So, WIBU to do this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Revenger · 06/01/2014 12:28

Pretty much candy Smile.

OP posts:
sparklysilversequins · 06/01/2014 12:28

A whole year longer?! Wow, she deserves a medal!

It all sounds very small town and petty. Do you not feel you are better than this OP?

diddl · 06/01/2014 12:30

OK, so she's spiteful to have done that.

But wtf was your then partner doing parading ow around with her/others there?

Ifancyashandy · 06/01/2014 12:32

I once had a friend behave in an abhorrent way to me. Did something beyond the pale. I burned with a desire for revenge but I knew I'd come away looking the childish, unforgiving idiot. People would have pitied me and felt sympathy for her - this felt un-fathomable but I was furious and boiled with rage at her ability to 'get away with it' in terms of our circle of friends.

But the reality is; she didn't.

It took years and I moved away, got on with my life, became very successful at my career and generally got on with living well. She too got on with her life - married, had babies etc.

We now see each other maybe once a year or so at a party. I'm more than civil - it was a long time ago - and ask after her, chat, make nice, laugh etc etc.

But the thing is, I know her husband is unfaithful. My cold revenge is served without me having to do a thing. It is so satisfying in those seconds that I think of it (like now) but I barely cast my mind in her direction from year to year.

Someone once gave me some very save advice when I said I wanted karma to bite her on the arse. Their response?

Worry about your own kharma - it's the only one you can really affect

Original poster
Revenger · 06/01/2014 12:32

I know sparkly. I was well impressed too Grin. She also enjoyed telling me that she lost her virginity to BIL as a dig at me because I didn't. Well, there was one guy before him but she doesn't count that Grin.

Yes, I do feel like I'm better than all this childish pettiness for the most part but the wedding was a huge step too far and tipped me from being quietly irritated by her to full on hatred.

OP posts:
Ifancyashandy · 06/01/2014 12:33

*sage advice. Arse.

Original poster
Revenger · 06/01/2014 12:35

Thanks ifancy. That's good advice and gives me hope that in time I will only feel indifference towards her.

Yes diddl. We did separate after I found out about the affair and it continued after that. I just couldn't fathom why she would want to rub my nose in it. So unnecessary.

OP posts:
sparklysilversequins · 06/01/2014 12:35

Are you all quite young?

Original poster
Revenger · 06/01/2014 12:36

Blush I'm nearly 30 Blush.

She's about 26/27 something like that.

OP posts:
Notawordfromtheladybird · 06/01/2014 12:40

If she's as evil and calculating as you make her out to be, your plan isn't going to work. You will be the evil horrible woman who just ruined her wedding. And if you smile sweetly and try to say, but she did the same to me... no, she didn't. Unless the woman your husband had sex with was your bridesmaid too.

She'll create a huge shitstorm and you will get the blame for it all. In front of ALL of your family and friends.

You - will be the biggest cunt.

Is that what you were picturing?

Because you're a bit naive if you think she's quietly crumple, if you pull her aside and say this to her on her wedding day.

Maybe83 · 06/01/2014 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklysilversequins · 06/01/2014 12:42

It's just the talking about losing virginities Hmm. Sounds like the kind of thing very young people might be hung up on.

I would be looking to move out of this small polluted relationship pool if I were you and would most likely not be taking my H with me. The whole thing sounds horrible.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 06/01/2014 12:52

Oh sod it. I'LL tell her. She really is such a bully. Did your DH do anything about meaning mean to your child or stay scared of her?

gnittinggnome · 06/01/2014 12:56

Wasn't psycho-analysing you, just asking the question. Still think you might benefit from a little introspection. (as might we all - not having a go, trying to be helpful)

MorrisZapp · 06/01/2014 12:58

Everybody is as bad as each other in this pathetic little tale.

Two women hating each other because their husbands are both shit... It's like Jeremy Kyle ca 1950.

AngelaDaviesHair · 06/01/2014 12:59

Sorry, but I had to laugh at 'She only ate her starter'.

Look, I agree with Vivi, and with a SIL like yours (also tried her best to mar our wedding, prevented by my siblings) I have some inkling at least of the rage.

BUT but but: she is better at this 'being a foul bitch' thing than you are, so plans for wedding revenge will probably backfire. Be realistic about that. Never give her an opportunity to cause you real trouble. Any wedding revenge stunts will do that. Also, her real triumph and your real problem is that she's in your head. Concentrate on doing something about that. The thing that you could do that will annoy her most is achieve genuine indifference to her.

Any way you can keep your DC away from her (and the wedding) and get to a point where she is just a distant irritant you can forget about?

Original poster
Revenger · 06/01/2014 13:02

Maybe, I'm not deluded. I've repeatedly said that I understand how pathetic, petty, vengeful, nasty, etc this is making me. I've also said I don't know how to stop hating her. Would you like to fund my therapy? It'll take years most likely Grin.

toffee, nope. He has never stood up to his family. We have argued lots over this woman. Whilst he acknowledges that I'm right, he doesn't want to fall out with his brother.

sparkly, for years we all held onto the hope that she was just immature and that in time she would grow up and stop with the nastiness. I used to feel sorry for her because DH's family hated her so much. And then we had DC days apart and she then focused her attention and competitiveness on me and my DC. Before this, I used to let it go over my head.

NotaWord, yes, you're right. In my fantasy, she would be so upset she would argue with BIL and bridesmaid. And if go home happy and smug Grin. Never works out like that though does it. Actually, I think BIL would punch me. He's hot women that have upset SIL before so probably not a good idea.

Can I at least hope it rains on her wedding day? Is that too evil? If not, can the MN collective perform a rain dance with me?

OP posts:
Pigsmummy · 06/01/2014 13:06

Why don't you go on Jeremy Kyle? He would sort this out for you and you would get a night in a nice hotel. (Don't forget to wash your hair though.)

Original poster
Revenger · 06/01/2014 13:08

Angela, I mean she ate her starter and then loudly announced her DC was being picked up to everyone and then didn't come back for the other courses. I was most upset as I had asked the staff to spell out 'bitch' with her peas Grin and she never saw it.

I can't keep the DC away, DH won't allow it.

Morris, I don't hate her because of the menz, I hate her because she is an utter bitch. I'd have cut a friend out a long time ago for the same behaviour. I will grudgingly accept that she is a better bitch than me though, and that's all she's having by way of component.

gnitting, I was joking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Revenger · 06/01/2014 13:09

*compliment

Jeremy Kyle? I could ask I guess Grin.

OP posts:
hmmmwhatnow · 06/01/2014 13:10

How do you know all this if you aren't "friends", Im guessing its through word of mouth and your fucked up in-laws?

So they told you she only ate her starter
they told you she was the one started a row with your mates
they told you she asked her dad to stop paying school fees and on and on

Can you imagine what they are telling her?

Maybe they are sat there stirring the pot and she is thinking you are a spiteful evil bitch too and puts stuff on her FB (the photos) as a reflection of believing you have been horrible to / about her?

I bet you 1 months salary that if you and her sit down with a coffee you would find out a surprising amount of hatred and bullshit has been spread by others and you have both lapped it up. and ultimately that the gain to that family is you both know about the others "D"Hs shagging around and they don't want you to share that information with the other.

Do it, to really not be a pushover get the bollocks to sit down with her and open the floodgates, you might surprise yourself and her and your DHs when they both get caught with their flies down

basgetti · 06/01/2014 13:10

So your DH cheats on you, provides a bed for his brother to regularly shag other women behind his partners back, and refuses to back you up against his family. Your BIL is a serial cheater who also hits women. And yet she is the villain in this drama?

hmmmwhatnow · 06/01/2014 13:12

X Post, so he has hit women she knows?

Then it is more likely she is also a victim of domestic violence and is covering up and lashing out.

You both sound like you were scooped up into this shit when you were both at school and are conditioned to know nothing more.

Sad

sparklysilversequins · 06/01/2014 13:12

I agree it's the really horrible pair of brothers who are the issue here. I bet it suits them just fine having you two at each others throats. No pesky alternative loyalties interfering with them shagging around.

thegreylady · 06/01/2014 13:14

You know Revenger I understand. I know you probably won't do it but you can act it all out in your head and give a little secret 'I know something you don't know' smile when you see her.
I did a few revengey things when dh1 had an affair with my then best friend. Oh what fun it was ... Especially when I found a letter she had written to him and returned it, maked for grammar and spelling, with the summative comment, "I hope your talents in the bedroom exceed your writing skills. This is sloppy and repetetive."
I enjoyed that one :)
Oddly dh1 and I met again 28 years post divorce and became friends until his death a couple of years ago.