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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed my friend hasn't made me bridesmaid?

107 replies

splasheeny · 03/01/2014 20:01

I fear I am.

My very good friend was my only bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago. We have remained good friends, though I do now see her far less, as she has moved away. We still talk on the phone a few times a week.

She got engaged recently, and I have tried to call her to congratulate etc but haven't really had a chance to talk much.

She posted a blog on facebook about her wedding, and in it she said that she had picked her bridesmaids. I have to say that it did sadden me, but I think most of all it was that I found out in this way. I just thought that maybe she could have called me and said that she was sorry but she was unable to have me as bridesmaid.. I don't know.

Just so I'm not accused of drip feeding: It will be a big wedding (big budget), and she is having four bridesmaids. No falling outs at all.

OP posts:
MmeLindor · 03/01/2014 20:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be disappointed, but you are being a bit unreasonable to have expected her to choose you.

It would have been nice if she had contacted you though.

DeWe · 03/01/2014 20:34

It's not unreasonable to be disappointed, but I would find it slightly strange for someone to contact someone else to say they wouldn't be bridesmaid.

I mean, can you imagine the conversation:
"Hi!"
"Hi, congratulations! Really looking forward to the wedding."
"Actually, that's what I'm calling about. Just letting you know you aren't going to be bridesmaid."

How do you react to that? Either you say "no big deal, wasn't expecting to be" type of reply, in which case bride feels awkward for bringing up the subject and implying that you thought you would be.
Or you get upset and bride feels guilty about not asking you.

stephenisjustcoming · 03/01/2014 20:34

Some people feel bridesmaids should be unmarried friends or younger children - maybe she's thinking of asking you to do a reading, or something instead?

VivaLeBeaver · 03/01/2014 20:38

Try not to take it to heart.

I never asked my best friend to be a bridesmaid as I just wanted kids. Sadly she never told me how upset she was about it and the night before my wedding just texted me to tell me she'd decided not to come. We haven't spoken since, don't let it cause a falling out.

pictish · 03/01/2014 20:43

Meh...she's got a wedding blog. You've had a lucky escape.

HesterShaw · 03/01/2014 20:43

It's very difficult not to be disappointed, but you have to try not to take it to heart. My own sister didn't choose me, even though she had been my (only) bridesmaid, and even though she knew I'd never been one and really would have loved to be asked. To this day I don't know why she didn't - I just had to accept it and get over myself.

Tis bloody annoying though :)

SashaOfSiberia · 03/01/2014 20:44

You can feel disappointed but maybe wait until you speak to her. Maybe she thought logistics might be difficult because of the distance, perhaps she was trying to make it less of a hassle for you.

Tbh I wouldn't have called you as would be a bit awkward.

If I were you I'd count myself lucky, now you can go and enjoy the wedding. I always though bridesmaid was a bloody chore and much better to be a standard guest.

Yama · 03/01/2014 20:44

I always breathe a sigh of relief when a friend gets married and doesn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I've done it once and that is more than enough.

Weddings are much better when you are a guest without duties.

Do the four bridesmaids live near her? Is it a perceived logistics thing?

Graceparkhill · 03/01/2014 20:46

Maybe you are so gorgeous she doesn't want you upstaging her ?

HesterShaw · 03/01/2014 20:51

"Without duties"?

I don't recall my adult bridesmaid doing a thing apart from following me up the aisle, holding the flowers, and then getting wasted!

fluffyraggies · 03/01/2014 20:55

Surely 'being a bride's maid' is not a reciprical thing though. Like a play date!

Everyone's wedding and family is different. It's their own personal day, not a day to return favors.

It's NBU to hope to be asked, but it is BU to expect it.

A woman who has 6 sisters for eg. and wants them as bride's maids can't reciprocate to all the brides she may have been bridesmaid to in her life, and have them as well.

I've been bride's maid a few times, but when i got married 2 years ago i wanted my 3 DDs and no one else. Tiny wedding.

Madambossyboots · 03/01/2014 21:06

I would be disappointed too, but there is nothing you can do so don't let it spoil your friendship. You could always say, I would have loved to be your bridesmaid and watch her squirm as a punishment!!
She is only one half of this wedding, it's not all up to her.
It's over rated anyway, you are often told to buy your own dress shoes, etc in shitty colours you don't like and tell her she looks beautiful all day.

redexpat · 03/01/2014 21:19

Well traditionally the bridesmaids were unwed (I read somewhere). Hence the name - brides-maid. And as others have said, it's not reciprocal.

Original poster
splasheeny · 03/01/2014 21:20

Obviously I would have loved to have been asked and don't know why I haven't been, which hurts.

She has no sisters, and it will be a large wedding with several bridesmaids. As she has moved to a new area I dont imagine any of the bridesmaids will live near her.

Thank you for all the comments, it has helped me put this in perspective. I don't want this to affect our friendship but I think I'll just let her contact me for the time being as I don't want to let on that I am hurt.

And thank you Grace, I wish that was the case! Smile

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 03/01/2014 21:34

I don't recall my adult bridesmaid doing a thing apart from following me up the aisle, holding the flowers, and then getting wasted!

Was I your bridesmaid?

HesterShaw · 03/01/2014 21:52

Did you wear lilac and make an I'll advised speech? :o

PrimalLass · 03/01/2014 22:07

Nope. I did stand at the bar and get hammered though.

Timeandagain · 03/01/2014 22:23

I was a bridesmaid once, I was 11, it was a great day.

A maid you should be, grown ups make things complicated.

Trills · 03/01/2014 22:44

YANBU to feel a little bit sad.

YwouldBU to expect a special "you are not a bridesmaid" call.

YwouldBU to say anything about it.

MooMa1d · 03/01/2014 23:17

I'm in a near identical position as you OP and I'll admit I feel like my nose has been pushed out of joint but I'll never say anything as I guess she has her reasons and the choice is hers. But I did feel disappointed and can understand why you do too.

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/01/2014 23:28

You say that on her facebook wedding blog she said that she had picked her bridesmaids.
You also said that you didn't imagine any of the bridesmaids will live near her (as she has moved to a new area) which suggests you don't actually know where they live (or know who they are?).

Did she actually say, on her facebook wedding blog (or anywhere else), who each bridesmaid actually was?

(clutching at straws, here Smile)

MyNameIsKenAdams · 03/01/2014 23:31

I decided No.Bridesmaids the instant I announced I was getting married and the first question (from SILs) "who are you picking as your BMs?"

I cant be chewed with any of that drama so said 'nobody'. Best decision ever Grin

Original poster
splasheeny · 03/01/2014 23:35

Mooma, its good to hear you understand how I feel.

Adish I get your point but I think that if I was her bridesmaid I would have heard by now. Surely you don't blog about having chosen your bridesmaids when you haven't told said bridesmaids? I think its very unlikely she has chosen me, and it would be silly for me to think she has. Or maybe I am totally wrong.

Either way I bring up the topic with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 03/01/2014 23:36

*meant to say that I won't bring it up

OP posts:
CooCooCachoo · 03/01/2014 23:36

Sorry you're disappointed...I think you've probably had a lucky escape though. I've been a bridesmaid twice now for close friends and it was bloody awful, I'm hoping I never get asked again. One friendship has suffered drastically and I'm no longer in touch with the other one.

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