to be disappointed my friend hasn't made me bridesmaid?

[splasheeny]

I fear I am.

My very good friend was my only bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago. We have remained good friends, though I do now see her far less, as she has moved away. We still talk on the phone a few times a week.

She got engaged recently, and I have tried to call her to congratulate etc but haven't really had a chance to talk much.

She posted a blog on facebook about her wedding, and in it she said that she had picked her bridesmaids. I have to say that it did sadden me, but I think most of all it was that I found out in this way. I just thought that maybe she could have called me and said that she was sorry but she was unable to have me as bridesmaid.. I don't know.

Just so I'm not accused of drip feeding: It will be a big wedding (big budget), and she is having four bridesmaids. No falling outs at all.

[Mia4]

splasheeny, oh dear. She may be over exuberant but it could also be an indication of the bride and grooms 'intensity' towards the wedding.

Did she give you the link? But didn't return your calls?

[obligatorynamechange]

My best friend did the same thing to me. We were best friends at school but she chose two other schoolfriends to be her bridesmaids, neither of whom she was particularly close too as far as I knew.

I didn't say anything at the time, and the friendship limped on for a while longer, but then I slowly came to realise that she had always been up and down with me, like she wanted me to work hard for her friendship. I'd think we were good friends and then every so often she'd do something that would make me unsure, and the bridesmaid incident was just one of those. It totally made me re-evaluate our friendship.

We are still in touch now, albeit very occasionally, and I tend to view her more as an acquaintance these days.

[NotAQueef]

Maybe she is one of these people who believe you shouldn't/can't be a bridesmaid once you are married?

[splasheeny]

Mia she posted the link on facebook.

I've tried calling her but only spoken briefly as she just told me she had fiances relatives over and couldn't talk.

[NotAQueef]

My dsis tld me (at her engagement party) that she wasn't having bridesmaids. She had 5 of her close friends in the end
I wonder if she thought I might have been expecting it ( wasn't) and didn't want me ruining the photos?

[pigletmania]

Splash just leave the ball in her court. It sounds as though she is not as close to you as you think. Nowadays bridesmaids tend to be married as well

[splasheeny]

I have sent her a congratulations card as Adish suggested and am leaving it at that for now. I will let her get in contact with me.

Like others pointed out she could have made my dd bridesmaid/flower girl if I was too old/married. The way she has gone about this and announced it has made me a bit sad.

[RonaldVilliers]

YANBU to feel upset, I felt the same when out of a group of 4 close friends at university who had flatshared together, one of them chose the other two to be bridesmaids and not me meaning I was the only one of the group not to have a role in the wedding. I never said anything though but I think she realised I was hurt as she was a bit awkward around me for a while after the wedding but we are ok with each other now.

[hackneybird]

Have you heard from your friend, OP?

[splasheeny]

I spoke to her, and tried to be all excited for her plans, invited her over etc.

She has said that dd won't be invited. It is her birthday weekend so really don't want to leave her then.

I'm wondering whether to even go now.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

I'm so sorry to hear she is treating you so badly, splasheeny. I don't think there is any room for doubt now. She isn't treating you as a very good friend (that she once was) should.

I'm sorry too, that I've led you up the garden path a bit, encouraging you to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I suppose that at least this way you know that you have treated her well and been totally fair. Shame she can't reciprocate.

I think you have done everything you can do and now, given that your DD's birthday weekend coincides, when the wedding invitation arrives (IF the wedding invitation arrives ... I'm beyond surprise now) I would simply send a semi-formal reply saying something like
"Thank You for the invitation to your wedding. Unfortunately the date coincides with DD's birthday celebration, so we are unable to leave her that weekend. We are sure you will have a wonderful day and wish you both every happiness in your marriage."

Rotten way to treat a friend and you sound like a good one!

[splasheeny]

Adish thank you for your reply.

I'm really torn with what to do. I'm really tempted to do as you say but am worried that it would ruin our friendship (though as you say she has already shown that I'm not that good a friend to her).

I don't know if I should tell her how I feel, she has no idea I believe.

The wedding blog is really starting to annoy me (facebook sends me an alert when she posts on it!)

[splasheeny]

Btw I did send a card as you suggested.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"she has already shown that I'm not that good a friend to her"

No, splash, she has shown that she hasn't been a good friend to you! (and it's the not knowing 'why' that adds to the hurtfulness of it all, isn't it).

As to whether you go to the wedding, I think you should do what would give you the best time. If you think you can ignore the circumstances and have a great day with your DH if you went (and maybe think you'd feel you were missing out a bit if you didn't go), then you should go and aim to have the best time ever. If on the other hand you would really be saddened not being with your DD on her birthday weekend and that this would spoil potential enjoyment of the wedding, then don't go, spend that day doing something special with your DH & DD.

If you decide not to go, you have got a very reasonable excuse, DD's birthday, babysitters, etc, and while it's okay for any Bride & Groom to decide they don't want friend's children at their wedding, they really cannot be surprised and object if that means the friends can't then attend.

Whatever you do, put yourself (and you DH & DD) first, in the decision making.

You can block the facebook alerts about the blog posts, without anyone knowing you've done that and without blocking the blog. Give yourself some peace from it. You'll still look, but it will be when you want to, not when an 'alert' commands it!

[ADishBestEatenCold]

Oh, meant to add, it is of course completely okay to tell a friend how you feel, if that's what you want to do.
As you say, you believe that she has no idea how this has made you feel, so it follows that there is a very good chance that she will genuinely want to make amends __ even if, at this stage, it is just by saying 'I really didn't mean to make you feel like that, I'm sorry. I really want you there at my wedding, please.'

She certainly wouldn't be the first bride to get so caught up in her own wedding plans, that she totally forgot about her close friends!

[ladymariner]

Adish excellent posts

Really feel for you Splash, it sounds very hurtful and I think you may have to accept she is not the friend you thought she was or who you deserve. I agree she is entitled to have exactly who she wants as bridesmaid but there are ways and means of going about it.....announcing it on a wedding blog is not one of them!

And for me, the fact it clashes with your daughters birthday would be the clincher, no way would I miss my child's birthday, especially to attend the wedding of a bridezilla who clearly hasn't given a single thought to me and my feelings.

Wedding blog......dear god!!! Run for the hills, don't look back!

[Birgitz]

This has happened to me too. One of my best friends was bridesmaid for me when I got married 6 years ago and for years and years (we've been friends since we were 14),
she's always said that I would be her bridesmaid too. When she got married last year, I too saw on FB that she was going wedding dress shopping with her bridesmaids and realised at that point that I wasn't going to be asked! I was really hurt and still struggle to feel as warmly towards her as I used to. When we met up after her FB announcement, I asked who her bridesmaids were and after telling me, said that she didn't ask me as she thought I would be too busy with the children (her two bridesmaids both had children, one of which was also a flower girl!! Mine weren't invited).

[Jinty64]

I would decline the invitation. Choose a nice, modest, gift fitting for a friend whose wedding you are not going to and leave it at that. Friendships change as we get older. It is time to move on with your lovely family.

[ChasedByBees]

Don't go. You can't leave your DD on her birthday weekend for someone who acts like she's keeping you at arms length.

[Polyethyl]

I too am not going to be my best friend's bridesmaid. I just bit my lip and smiled cheerily.

Having said that - when she was my bridesmaid I made her work! There are photos of us wheelbarrowing crates of booze to the marquee on the morning of the wedding - and in the evening, after the caterers departed, they took over as barmaids - even washing glasses in a cold garden hosepipe.

[QuintessentialShadows]

I fear I am going to be a lone voice here.

She only has two adult brides maids and two child ones.
If she is traditional, she would not ask a married woman to be a bridesmaid. She cant have all her friends as bridesmaids, so had to disappoint all but two. The two child bridesmaids could be due to pressure from family. Are they the daughters of the other bridesmaids, or family?

I am not sure how you can be disappointed that

1. You are not bridesmaid on the basis on already being married and her only having two;
2. Your daughter being in the bridal party for the same reason as above;
3. Your daughter should be a guest at the wedding, when bride has placed restrictions based on what SHE wants for the day.

It is her wedding day. You got to do it your way on your own wedding day.

I also dont think it reasonable to not go to a wedding due to a childs birthday. Birthdays happens every year, and can easily be celebrated on another day, the child is young, so wont be so attached to a specific date. Weddings are (supposedly) a once in the life event, so let her get the day she wants, and be gracious about it.

[MadIsTheNewNormal]

A wedding blog? On facebook?

Eeew. I think you are best off out of it. She's a bridezilla in the making.

YANBU to be a tad disappointed but it sounds as though you have grown apart and do not see/speak to one another that often any more.

[3asAbird]

Ahh splash feel bad for you.

As a kid I always wanted to be brideaid but no one in either side family got married apart from older cousin who married abroad.

The old expression always a bridemaid never a bride but I been a bride had lovely wedding but choice bridesmaids was awquard,

freind a had known from juniors right upto seniors 7-18 we lived same smal town lots history went to uni and kept in touch life freindships seemed more genuine in days pre fb dident they?

Freind b met at uni so age 19 and got married at 24.

neither of my mates were with anyone at time.

I picked mate b and not sure why think we were just closer and pre meeting hubby broke up with longterm boyfreind and was in terrible mess and she had always been supportive maybe more supportive than freind a but in more reckless lets go out and get drunk way and encouraged me take a risk and get together with future hubby where as freind a much more uptight regimented.

Also when split from boyfreind lived geographically near freind a she wanted to move i wanted to oe but she chose to move in with her bloke at the time.

Before announced whos who wanted to go bridal dress shopping but she was too busy.

I was dreading telling her but she was ok explained we had tight budget and was obligated to have evil sister as one , dident know anyone with kids at time so no kiddy bridemaids.

But in all fairness freind a was really good about it we all got horribly drunk hen night which bridemaid arranged.my sister dissapeared on hen nite like selfish person she was they both got to know each other bit better and they get on.

Then night before wedding at mums in hometown freind a came over and we got pizza, dvd and champers and sister through strop and stayed in her bedroom.

whats worse is got lovely simple strappy coral pink dresses debenhams debut strappy but floaty knee length as sisters a stick and bridemaid from uni was tall and good 14-1 so wanted her to feel fab thinking sis look great in bin bag sis convinced mam she looked awful and took up her dress making it assemetrical hemline both freinds a and freinds be were shocked by sisters actions.

hubby picked 3grooms as had 2best mates and his brother.


my cousin had twin boys but they were toddlers at tie but came to wedding dont understand people who say no kids.

has the bride actually said you cant bring your child whilst having kiddy bridemaids?

fact shes been slow to ring.

not sure what it is about weddings and fab that turn people into such insensitive moos nothing more crass than birth or wedding announcment on fb is there. Also the blog sounds hideous idea and rubbing epopels face in it another reason hate fb look how fab i life i have and it does not include you like when people tag pics nites out.feels bit playground to me.

few years on freind a got married she made my dd1 bridemaid she was 3 and she refused to get with the wedding party for pics and was total pitta.as wedding was my home town bit single white femaile but she chose same venues as us im bias wasent patch on our wedding was nice as got wear what I liked, mam had dd1 only had 1 at time and we booked nice in fancy country hotel nearby.

I did make her godmum to dd1 she was First person I asked.
then had join christening for youngerfreind a was god mum dd2 and freind b godmum to little boy as knew she gove him good advice on the ladies and enjoying life.

Neither freind a or freind b have kids so know what its like being only 1.
freind a is trying but her new husband is a tosser who dpes not speak to me even though we live in same city maybe meet up once a month her husbad has put strain on freindship but shes been supportive last year when had troubles but she has active sociall life, her work separate freinds and lives enough of distance wouldent pop round and thinks he was oaffended i said no to having her rats when on holiday I cant stand rats.

shes had hell with her evill younger sister. opposite to mine in size she was huge and she had to change her colour scheme i end from red to sort of wine as couldent get size dress in 24. but i said on plus side fat bridemaid make you look good.She also had her sisters 2kids.

I dont know if she was bridemaid to her sister but her sister turned into total bridezilla and despite sw was still huge!saw the pics on fb:)

does the bride have any siblings or neices/nephews as bar best mates they be obvious choice.

I also find people without kids much more selfish and less accomodating with their plans when dd2 was due hubbys mate invited him wedding miles away from home same with another set of freinds . neither of us went yet they still dropped their giftlist round our houses with we would like money funnily after that we dont bother with them.

My cousin oddly enough a male we were few months apart growing up we were more like siblings then we grew apart he moved london quite high flyer quite money driven. Hes now met complete loon i mean total space cadet. hes now totally changed has his highlighst doe toni and guy, dresses like a scruffy gay man, spends fortune on clothes and holidays. anyway made him godfather to little boy and he never makes effort to see him.Hes now engaged to her and this is person who does love montages of their love with music on you tube and posts things on fb.

thankfully she does as shes been counting the says down from maybe 800!

she has a disney bridal countdown.
shes turned into total bridezilla.
shes picked pink wedding ress puffy think jordan/gyspy wedding
the venue is disney land florida so hardly anyone going.

but gives me something to chuckle at and even me and mys sister bond over her weirdness.

geographically they oved not far away from us by havent been see them see them maybe 2-3times a year back in hometown and at family events.

What I have learnt over years is people can be insensitive tossers and try not let bother you. I had one mummy mate from school who was like my best mate was here when youngest were born he was so bloody special. I couldent make her godmother as she wasent christened but made sure vicar let her light candle playes huge part. what ahppeed we grew apart she didet return calls, forgot his 1st birthday for a few months i got evry upset accepting shes fair weather freind and shes just not that into me. shes quite competative and our daughters dont get on.

i still see her occasionally and when she moved to her dream house was happy for her.rather worryingly might be moving round corner from her but i cant hack being picked up , dropped and used.

Freind b lives in diffrent city not too far. I love her bloke, she does not want kids. im sure if she was married i play part in it.
although we dont see each other often when we meet up its like no time has passed and if had issie could ring her we live totally diffrent lifestyles but somehow freindships survived she thinks im nuts.

If i were you I would restrict fb no delte but hide so not on feed only there if you activly seek it to be.

prepare yourself for this freindship may have ended shes treated you badly.

plan the best birthday ever maybe go away somewhere nice and be sure to post pics on fb!

[gotthemoononastick]

Quintessential says "the pressure from family" This is why someone close to me chose their two wolfhounds instead of humans.They were fabulous in the church and then taken home.

They wore beautiful large embroidered and pleated cream satin ruffs and leads decorated with ivy and Peonies.

Awaiting flaming from dog haters!

[QuintessentialShadows]

I rather have some gorgeous dogs as bridesmaids, to be honest. Like two Afghan Hounds!