Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed my friend hasn't made me bridesmaid?

107 replies

splasheeny · 03/01/2014 20:01

I fear I am.

My very good friend was my only bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago. We have remained good friends, though I do now see her far less, as she has moved away. We still talk on the phone a few times a week.

She got engaged recently, and I have tried to call her to congratulate etc but haven't really had a chance to talk much.

She posted a blog on facebook about her wedding, and in it she said that she had picked her bridesmaids. I have to say that it did sadden me, but I think most of all it was that I found out in this way. I just thought that maybe she could have called me and said that she was sorry but she was unable to have me as bridesmaid.. I don't know.

Just so I'm not accused of drip feeding: It will be a big wedding (big budget), and she is having four bridesmaids. No falling outs at all.

OP posts:
RedactedEdition · 04/01/2014 09:32

splash - I think it is fine for you to own feelings of disappointment, providing you keep them to yourself and don't start sharing them with the bride.
Having been a MoB who helped prop up DD through the angst of trimming a list of 11 possible bm's (sisters, best friends, people who assume they are bf's, not to mention fiance's absolutely lovely sisters).....it is a bloody nightmare!! DD ended up with four bridesmaids - only one of whom was there because of 'obligation'. Notably, she was the only one who caused issues.

One of the facts of life is that while you may feel that someone is your best and closest friend, and they fulfil that role for you very well ....you may not be their closest, best, or oldest friend. It does not detract from their relationship with you in any way.
Unless one is 5, and still playing playground politics.

Give the bride a break. Be a really good friend! smile - and offer to help where you can, anyway.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 04/01/2014 09:33

How old are you? How old is she?

My bff married (10yrs ago at 27) and had a couple of bridesmaids eldest being 17. Didn't occur to me when I got married to check if she minded not being one. Wasn't like I wanted girls my age. That's freaking strange!

I had three girls eldest 10. Ask questions maybe but if they are all kids you are going to look a complete freak.

Why not get involved on organising hen/big photo for the wedding of all the girls. At probably your age it will look better tbh than stuck in a satin column.

Lavenderhoney · 04/01/2014 09:33

Just call her and have a chat about her wedding and see if she mentions it.
I didn't want any bridesmaids and said so. However on the day I walked up the aisle with my df and heard a rustle, looked round to see a bridesmaid, courtesy of mil. Shock

2rebecca · 04/01/2014 09:34

I tend to think of bridesmaids as being young women usually unattached and without children. it sounds as though she was your bridesmaid years ago when your friendship was closer and she was young and single.
Now you aren't as close and you are married with kids. Is it really that surprising she is choosing other presumably young single girls as bridesmaids? She maybe has loads of young cousins or nieces desperate for the role.

mamapants · 04/01/2014 09:35

I don't think it necessarily means she isn't as close to you as you thought. I always assumed you don't ask married women to be bridesmaids.
If I was to get married I wouldn't ask my best mate or sister even though I was their bridesmaids as they are married and have kids and that doesn't seem bridesmaidy to me. It wouldn't be a sign I cared about them any less.

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/01/2014 09:38

Op, I know how you feel - my best friend decided not to ask me to be her bridesmaid and the thing that still rankles some years later is that she never explained why (eg I only wanted unmarried friends to be traditional; I only wanted friends from university). But I don't know how you can have that conversation without sounding bitter / entitled / precious.

dimdommilpot · 04/01/2014 09:42

I found out my "best friend" got engaged through facebook, i didn't even know she had a boyfriend. she has now picked a date so close to my due date that i have declined her invite to the night do, she hasn't even invited me to the day do. She is my daughters god mother! Its pissed me off a little bit but I'm not going to loose any sleep about it. Im yet to meet the fiancee. YANBU to be a bit upset but i wouldn't let it bother you.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 04/01/2014 09:49

Maybe they wanted children as bridesmaids? Perhaps they are 4 little kids who are related to one or other of them.

R2G · 04/01/2014 09:57

I did not ask my best friends from Uni to be bridesmaid. I had two from Uni, one from school. I just chose them as representative of the whole groups and who I thought would enjoy it.
My best friend from school is v obese and I knew that she would feel really uncomfortable with the whole thing. I later found out I made the right decision and she was pleased.
My best friend from uni was very upset but I did not know until 7 years later when I asked her to be godmother to my son and got upset. I explained that at the time her mum had been really quite ill and she was up and down to Cambridge to see her so I didn't think she would appreciate the added cost/ hassle of traveling for dress fittings and I just chose people within the group representative of everyone. I wished I explained to her at the time. In the end she was unable to attend the wedding due to her mum illness, but we were very close in organising the wedding.

Carry in with your weekly chats- I told my friend all about tensions with my mum, secret worries about getting married, bridesmaid stresses (!), hen do worries, asked for help with colour choices etc - more so than with bridesmaids. We became closer than ever, and it was she who picked me up when the marriage failed.

Stay friends- sometimes like me people just make random choices and it has nothing to do with feelings about your friendship. Just that you're busy with your child and so on so she's picked someone else.

R2G · 04/01/2014 09:59

PS also at the time I probably seemed really blasé about her feelings, but I genuinely did not realize how she would interpret the choice or assume that anyone was bothered if they were my bridesmaid or not x

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 04/01/2014 10:38

I'm very lucky with all my siblings in law. I've known my ds's sis her entire life and not being asked to be bridesmaid has put a different perspective on our relationship so Yanbu.

I think some brides get a touch of the zillas and the expectant congregation walk on eggshells so as not to spoil the big day. For some brides, it's like they introduce a popularity class system. Wink Imvho posting about whom has made the bridesmaid grade is a bit wanky. I hope that your friend returns to normal after the wedding and that in the meantime you can ignore the diva attitude (if its out of the ordinary).

We had a very small wedding and Dh arranged the date around his sis (lovely of him). She had a massive wedding with 9 adult bridesmaids. Dh was a groomsman, ds was a page boy. Dh was asked on the stag weekend, I wasn't asked on the hen weekend and the hen night was when I was on holiday. I did help, including the morning of the wedding when the everyone was getting ready. I helped her get ready with make up artist and hairdresser.

I suspect I wasn't asked because my body shape didn't fit in with the dress style and other women. Blush I won't directly ask but have spoken a bit about the pre wedding celebrations. There were no fallings out and I think it defined how differently we viewed our relationship. I thought we were sisters, now she is my dh's sister. I'll never feel the same way about her. No big drama or tantrums from me, but I'm still sad about it.

My wedding was small and I didn't have bridesmaids. I rang all the people I would have asked to explain. I'm very lucky to have two fantastic sisters and three best friends and that is where I concentrate my energy.

Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 19:21

Thank you all, like you have pointed out it seems that she has not chosen me for a reason which I don't know about. Not knowing why and finding out in this way is what is hurtful.

I want to continue to be friends but will let her contact me for the moment as I don't want to bring it up/let on that I'm hurt. We usually talk very often so it is quite unusual in itself that I haven't heard from her in all this time (i have tried to make contact).

She knows me well obviously and would have known that I would have loved to be bridesmaid (Im sure we talked about this when she was my bridesmaid). However nothing I can do and I'll just have to get over it.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 04/01/2014 19:28

Aww splash just let her come to you. Mabey she worried abut your reaction. However she should if she is a good friend woman up and give you a call.

TheSmallClanger · 04/01/2014 19:34

I'm in the "lucky escape" camp. I bet the four are all very young.

I've never been a bridesmaid, but after the deeply unpleasant experience that was managing DD when she was one, I am glad of that.

mrspremise · 04/01/2014 19:37

YANBU to be disappointed. DB's then-girlfriend (now SIL) told me I could be one of her bridesmaids and then 'forgot'. Pissed me off, but she is just thoughtless like that, it seems. And even worse now she has a pfb

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 04/01/2014 19:40

I reckon you've had a lucky escape too, but can see why you're feeling hurt by the way that she's 'announced' her decisions.

The fact that she has a wedding blog rings alarms for me. If you really do want to go to her wedding, I think it would be wise to think already about what you would do for childcare if she opts for a child free wedding (I think it's quite likely!).

Mia4 · 04/01/2014 20:51

YANBU to feel upset OP, it's possible your friend and you aren't as close anymore or that she plans to have child-only bridesmaids. It would have been nice to catch up with her in person and hear she had bridesmaids chosen then that way you'd know who and most likely why not yourself rather then on her blog.

Bridesmaids aren't a recipricol thing, for sure. Things change over time and something must have done in your relationship or she's just settled on kids.

Very odd to have a wedding blog, unless you has a blog in general and now just updates wedding stuff to on it? A blog dedicated to sounds cringeworthy.

Ruebarb · 04/01/2014 20:59

Actually I would have been more upset that your DD had not been asked particularly if it turned out there were other child bridemaids
As a married woman I would not expect to be asked to be bridesmaid - as others have stated a bridesmaid is traditionally a single woman. I was bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding but would never have considered asking her to be bridesmaid at mine because she was already married and she never expected to be asked

daisydee43 · 04/01/2014 21:00

Yes I'm afraid so - my maid of honour didn't involve me in her wedding at all even-though we are still great friends - lets just say I gave her maid of honour a hard time (sorry I know it's bitchy but she was so squeaky annoying)

Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 21:16

She posted on facebook that she is having 2 adult and 2 child bridesmaids. I know cost/size of wedding party isn't an object.

Dd will be four, so not sure if that it is too young to be a bridesmaid/flower girl, but obviously she hasn't been asked. She is very social and a big extrovert so would have loved it, but I certainly wasn't expecting her to be involved. I don't know if she will even be invited now.

OP posts:
foreverondiet · 04/01/2014 21:17

OP - how old is your DD? I would be more offended that my DD wasn't asked (assuming she is at least 3 years old). I had three bridesmaids, oldest were 9 and 10.

Did ask DH's sister who was 14 but she said no as was too old but then agreed to be a bridesmaid to DH's other sister 3 years later. My sisters (younger than me, 20 and 18) also said they were too old.

Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 21:18

Mia yes it is a dedicated blog.

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 21:19

Forever cross posts, she will be four.

OP posts:
Mymumsfurcoat · 04/01/2014 21:30

This happened to me too, but it was my cousin (childhood best friend) who didn't ask me and I was very upset. The people she did choose did nothing for her, it was me who sat with her the night before the wedding drinking champagne that I had brought. Years later, she apologised and said she should have asked me. I said "yes, you should have, but it doesn't matter now" Probably it did matter, we aren't close at all now.

Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 21:34

Mymum my cousin also didn't ask me to bridesmaid (I was 10 then so I would have thought prime bridesmaid age) different situation but also rubbish. Sorry to hear it has effected your friendship.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread