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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed my friend hasn't made me bridesmaid?

107 replies

splasheeny · 03/01/2014 20:01

I fear I am.

My very good friend was my only bridesmaid when I got married a few years ago. We have remained good friends, though I do now see her far less, as she has moved away. We still talk on the phone a few times a week.

She got engaged recently, and I have tried to call her to congratulate etc but haven't really had a chance to talk much.

She posted a blog on facebook about her wedding, and in it she said that she had picked her bridesmaids. I have to say that it did sadden me, but I think most of all it was that I found out in this way. I just thought that maybe she could have called me and said that she was sorry but she was unable to have me as bridesmaid.. I don't know.

Just so I'm not accused of drip feeding: It will be a big wedding (big budget), and she is having four bridesmaids. No falling outs at all.

OP posts:
TheNightIsDark · 03/01/2014 23:40

A wedding blog? I've heard it all now!

bluebeanie · 03/01/2014 23:43

This happened to me. An old friend was one of my bridesmaids. She got married last year and didn't ask me. I was surprised and gutted. Never been a bridesmaid! I wish I'd been told I wouldn't be one, but can understand how awkward that would have been. I guess I hadn't admitted to myself how much we'd drifted apart. Hey ho, that's life.

SauceForTheGander · 03/01/2014 23:43

What pictish said. A bride to be with a wedding blog - and on Facebook. Why?

if you were bridesmaid you'd have been posting on here with some bridezilla horror story before too long.

Original poster
splasheeny · 03/01/2014 23:45

Lol about the wedding blog comments. She is a lovely woman, but I can see her getting very excited about the wedding.

Her fiance is a total nutter but that's a whole other thread.

OP posts:
sparkleshine · 03/01/2014 23:46

I can understand how you feel. I would be hurt too, maybe with you not being as close as u were has made her choices different.
When I was with my ex, we had been together for 9yrs when his sister got engaged and quite close. I thought about and hoped she would ask me but she didn't and I was disappointed. I was upset for a while but never let on. She always hinted about being a bridesmaid for us which was cheeky really and offended she presumed she would be one for us.
We are still close now even though her brother as I aren't together.

BohemianGirl · 03/01/2014 23:51

If she is a traditionalist the clue is in 'maid' - unmarried women attend the bride. If she's going a bit more modern she will have a matron of honour - 'matron' being married with children.

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/01/2014 23:54

So she didn't say who her bridesmaids actually are, splash?
Simply that she had chosen her bridesmaids and that she was having four?
And this was in a general facebook blog, to anyone and everyone, not reiterated to you in conversation?

Grin

I'm going to stay hopeful, Splash!
Especially when I see that you "tried to call her to congratulate etc but haven't really had a chance to talk much"!!
I think there is still a very good chance that you could be one of her chosen bridesmaids, Splash, and she's waiting to have a proper chance to talk and ask you!!!

Ring her up, do the proper 'congratulations' that you haven't had a chance to do yet, and have a good old girly chat about her wedding, her plans, what sort of reception she's having, what sort of ceremony she's having, all that sort of stuff.
Maybe, during such a chat you'd get a lovely surprise and she'd ask you, and if not well, she's still your good friend, your still very much her good friend, and at least you'll have taken the lead in making sure there is no awkward feeling left between you (which is exactly the kind of thing very good friend's do, isn't it? Wink).

Good luck!

pigletmania · 03/01/2014 23:58

Yanbu at all, you have every right to feel hurt, as I guess you thought you were closer to her, but she thinks differently. Wait for her to come to you.

Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 00:03

Adish maybe you are right, I just don't want to call her up now and for her to think I am hinting for her to ask me, or for anything to be awkward.

The reason we hadnt spoken till now is that her fiance's family are staying with her atm, so she always tells me she hasn't got time to talk. She promised to call me when they leave so I should hear from her soon.

This is probably the only chance I have of being bridesmaid, which is why it makes me a bit sad.

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 04/01/2014 00:12

God, I was mortified when my sil asked me to be a bridesmaid, couldn't understand it until i found out it was because she wanted to control what I wore Hmm

ADishBestEatenCold · 04/01/2014 00:21

Okay, I understand that feeling. So how about, while you're waiting for that return call, you send her a card.
A congratulations card or a 'blank' sort if you prefer, not cheesy, but saying something like you are so happy about her news and you can't wait for the chance to hear all about her plans, so let's get together soon, but meantime just wanted to say a big old congratulations.

However you'd normally put it, light, but real. Then that card can fill in the blank space until you do get the chance to talk with her properly.

It's horrible to be hurt, but 'hurt' just grows in those blank spaces. Don't let it.

She'll be lucky to have you as a bridesmaid if that's what she's chosen, and if she hasn't chosen that she's still lucky having you as a friend.

ProphetOfDoom · 04/01/2014 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 00:27

Thank you Adish, I will do that. It's a way of showing her I'm thinking of her without being too intrusive. I feel pretty silly being hurt about this.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 04/01/2014 00:32

A wedding blog???

Jesus wept.

Electryone · 04/01/2014 00:44

Yep, a wedding blog....I can see how the preparations and planning are going to go!

Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 00:59

A

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 00:59

Adish

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 01:03

Adish, I looked back at her blog, inspired by your posts, and it does say that all her bridesmaids 'have been asked and agreed'. Oh well, what I expected.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 04/01/2014 01:19

Oh Splash, I am sorry! That is hurtful.

Still send your congratulations card, though. Still listen to all her news and have your girly gossip. Still be the friend you are.

And try and resist being like me, and enjoying that moment of discomfort as you smile and ask "And tell me, dear friend, who are your bridesmaids and what are they wearing? Grin

Just think what fun you'll have, being able to pamper only yourself beforehand; being able to wear a killer outfit of your own choosing; being able to sit with your DH throughout; to talk to whomever you please whenever you please; and being able to put yourself first throughout the day! Thanks

Original poster
splasheeny · 04/01/2014 01:27

Thank you.

I don't know if its because I have a dd (at an age where none of my friends do) and she thinks I would be less available. Who knows.

I just hope it doesn't turn out to be one of these 'no children' weddings which would make it very difficult for us to attend. (while obviously that's her choice blah blah)

OP posts:
sykadelic15 · 04/01/2014 01:31

I've been a Bridesmaid only once. It meant paying for my dress, shoes, hair, makeup. It meant organising her Hen's night (AND paying for the goodie bags). On the day of I had to rush out and get a throwaway bouquet because the florist had forgotten it. I had to paint the nails of the other bridesmaids (because no-one else could or wanted to) and pay for a hotel room. I also still had to buy a wedding gift.

I was one of the sisters of the bride. I did love my dress, but I spent a LOT of money on her wedding. I can't say if a friend asked me I'd say yes, unless I had plenty of money saved up next time!!

pigletmania · 04/01/2014 09:08

Oh that is hurtful Sad. It's not about being a bridesmaid per se, but you obviously thought you were closer than you were. She sees it differently. I would make the right noises, but a bit of distance mabey

ProphetOfDoom · 04/01/2014 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moleyjay · 04/01/2014 09:22

Totally understand how you feel. This happened to me twice!! I don't speak to either of these friends now - something I truly regret. Don't let those feelings grow, try to deal with them and move on by being the friend you've always been.
For me it was the feeling that I clearly wasn't as important to them as they were to me. Dear god the bitterness is still there 6 years on! Don't be like me!

lurkerspeaks · 04/01/2014 09:28

I think you are mad to want to be a bridesmaid.

I announced loudly after bridesmaid stint no.2 that I didn't want to do it again. I've done a couple of readings since but no poncing about in a daft dress.

It isn't reciprocal and people can choose who they like..speak to her and see who she has chosen.