To want DSS to move out

[Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus]

I am really not dealing with this well, I am physically shaking.
DH and I have been living with each other for 10 years now. I have two DD's from previous relationship who live with us and our DD, he has 1DS from previous relationship (14) shared joint custody with his mum until he was 12 then he decided he wanted to move in with us permently. I get on really well with DSS, he gets on with all DD's (minus a few fallen outs here and there) but everything was just great up until this evening....

DH goes into DSS room to get him as he was meant to be taking him out for a boys night, thought DSS was just playing xbox. I hear DP shouting, turns out my eldest DD (15) was in his room, they were kissing.
I get DH to calm down, take a breather, then sit them down and talk about this calmly even though I am not calm, I am freaking out inside... This is what they say, they have been 'dating' for two months now, they are in love, they have not had sex. Yet.
We have separated them, told them we will discus this properly in the morning. When everyone has called down properly.

I have come on MN typing furiously on the keypad, I need advice, help, I am freaking out. I honestly don't know what to do, I am now on my 2nd glass of wine.

Ffs, they used to share baths together when they were little. In the past three years of all of us properly living together they have had little tiffs like brothers and sisters do, and have referred to each other as 'brother' and 'sister' And most importantly they are both underage!!!
Tomorrow I want to tell DSS he has to move back to his mums, DH agrees.

How do I deal with this? Can anyone please offer some advice, I need to calm down.

Thanks SuburbanRhonda!

To him it's his daughter and his son. If you felt that way about your children would you allow it?

It is weird and it is wrong!

I wouldn't find their "dating" to be an issue as they are not related, but I would be concerned about under age sex which I personally don't think is a good idea.

If I let my own views about my children's relationship cloud my judgement when it came to deciding what was best for them, that would be wrong, fifi.

And enough with the "weird" judgements.

"It's weird and it's wrong". Really? Who says?

Not sure that the this is really helping the op who needs some practical advice.

It's not best for them to continue the relationship, it's not best for their sister either. Who wins?

I will judge and I will say it's weird because it is.

I can only assume those saying it's ok that you haven't grown up as part of a blended family. I have 3 siblings, a half brother and step sister on my mum's side and a step brother and sister on my dad's side. We are family.

I think it is wrong on the basis that they are being raised as brother and sister and they are underage and live under the same roof- no matter what the previous living arrangements before he moved in full time.

I think this is so difficult for OP and her family to work through.

Her DP is saying the same. Our DPs are in agreement, so she can see someone else raising a child not biologically theirs would react the same way.

It's not hysterical to say its weird or wrong. I don't care if it's legal or not due to a technicality. DP would be offended to here he's less of DS's dad because of a bit of paper. They are brother and sister to their family.

I agree with Maryz.

It is a little bit odd I think to start with but it's easy to see how it could happen. There is no blood relationship. They may have been raised together for a while but they are not siblings and never will be in the legal sense.
The age thing is an issue but realistically many 15 y/o have sex. There is absolutely nothing, short of a chastity belt, that you could do to prevent this. You know her boyfriend, he's not some oik you don't know from Adam.

Over-reacting much?!?! Seriously, how many people here are still with their boyfriend from when they were 15? It's not an ideal situation, but the likelihood is that it will pass. Please don't let something which could last all of 5 minutes ruin your family for ever.

Oooh and let's hope fifi never has to do jury service.

they are underage

Is there a legal age for snogging then?

Op, you've been very reasonable. I hope things are ok today.

A very difficult situation.
It would appear to be the wrong side of the law, and I think it is important that they are both made aware of that. Whether any action would be taken or not, is difficult to know, but when the law was updated, it specifically included step siblings.
If the relationship continues and schools find out, then there is a very high chance that SS would be involved.
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1/crossheading/familial-child-sex-offences
Section 27.3.c specifies "one of them is or has been the other’s stepbrother or stepsister"

When I first read this, my immediate reaction was that he shouldn't have to move out, but now I think that it would be better. I think that rather than laying down the law to them, it would be better to sit down as a family - all 4 of you, and discuss this honestly. There is no point in just banning them from seeing each other, if they then start sneaking around behind your backs.

It must have been one hell of a shock. I hope you manage to get it sorted out.

I think he should too, if just for the space and them not attempting to bed hop every five minutes. I think he could move out without being 'kicked out', only because it is the most obvious practical option in terms of time and space. It doesnt have to be permament.

If they chose to continue you cannot actually stop them and I dont think you should try. I would be worried about the fall out when it ends. Im sorry OP.

I hope you are all calmer and able to talk today.

I think not rushing to a decision is the best thing you could have done OP. Whatever you decide to do, make sure they know they aren't being punished. From their perspective they're teenagers in love, whose parents happen to be together, and they likely feel your relationship is as much the problem as theirs.

If at all possible get them to agree with your ground rules. They may even feel they'd be better off living in different houses, considering their friends' reactions and 'don't shit where you eat'.

Piper rose I'm still with my bf from 15 years of age now married with children. We where having sex at that age too.

I think the first port of call has to be inclusion of DSS's mum, and then between the three adults a decision can be made on the living situation. DH will have to be honest with DSS and explain why he has no choice as to involve his mother.

Options can then be out to the teenagers - if you're serious about the relationship then DSS should move back to his mum's (if he is agreeable). Emphasis on the fact that as parents you are all concerned about their happiness (what will happen if they break up? Will friends bully?) etc. and other questions eloquently posed in Maryz first post.

If they opt to continue the relationship under agreed terms then it should be treated with the same rules as any other relationship, ie. what would your stance be on visiting, staying over etc.

There is also the question of how to broach the whole thing with siblings, especially the one they share, though he or she may still be very little given time frames discussed?

Hey Chattymummyhere, I'm really it glad it worked out for you, I just meant that it's not usual for it to last.