To want DSS to move out

[Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus]

I am really not dealing with this well, I am physically shaking.
DH and I have been living with each other for 10 years now. I have two DD's from previous relationship who live with us and our DD, he has 1DS from previous relationship (14) shared joint custody with his mum until he was 12 then he decided he wanted to move in with us permently. I get on really well with DSS, he gets on with all DD's (minus a few fallen outs here and there) but everything was just great up until this evening....

DH goes into DSS room to get him as he was meant to be taking him out for a boys night, thought DSS was just playing xbox. I hear DP shouting, turns out my eldest DD (15) was in his room, they were kissing.
I get DH to calm down, take a breather, then sit them down and talk about this calmly even though I am not calm, I am freaking out inside... This is what they say, they have been 'dating' for two months now, they are in love, they have not had sex. Yet.
We have separated them, told them we will discus this properly in the morning. When everyone has called down properly.

I have come on MN typing furiously on the keypad, I need advice, help, I am freaking out. I honestly don't know what to do, I am now on my 2nd glass of wine.

Ffs, they used to share baths together when they were little. In the past three years of all of us properly living together they have had little tiffs like brothers and sisters do, and have referred to each other as 'brother' and 'sister' And most importantly they are both underage!!!
Tomorrow I want to tell DSS he has to move back to his mums, DH agrees.

How do I deal with this? Can anyone please offer some advice, I need to calm down.

removing them from their home works does it?

Would I remove my 14 year old from the home he was sharing with his 15 year old girlfriend? Yes. Not dramatic, just a fact.

i think kicking him out would make them resentful and that could be a very long-term effect. is it really worth it?

I can totally understand the op.

They aren't brother and sister, but have been bought up as such. And they share the same half sister.

Must feel very very strange, and yes, incestuous to the OP. It will certainly take a lot of getting used to.

it's not as simple as that in this situation and you must know that.

I don't think telling a 14 year old and a 15 year old that they can not have a romantic relationship while living in the same home is "punishing" them. If they want to continue the relationship as they're "in love" then one of them is going to have to move out - the boy is the only one with a place to go.

See I don't see any hysteria. I wouldn't let my 14 year old live with his girlfriend (and that's removing any questions over the fact that they have a shared sibling and have been raised together at least some of the time in a family unit). I don't know anyone who would let their young teens live with their girlfriend or boyfriend.

Ask them what they would like to happen.

You might be surprised.

Bruthas is right, they shouldn't be in a relationship and living together at that age. One or the other. I don't see that as hysterical, not sure why Maryz keeps saying that. It's practical. And as long as its handled well with both the children it can remain that way. And of course it's practical for the child with another loving home to go to to be the one to go if that is what's needed (being without wifi isn't bloody neglect).

Good luck OP. Only you and your family (including DSS's mum) know the relationship dynamics here. Hopefully you'll all give yourselves time to talk and sort out what is needed or not in this situation.

I think you reacted better than most would (though not many would admit it). Just keep talking and listening to your family. You obviously love them. Good luck.

Okay, it is not ideal to have a 14- and 15-year-old couple living in the same family home. Really, really not ideal. And so ideally one of them should not live there.

But ideally none of this should have happened. Technically, the original ideal plans that these parents had for these kids did not include any of the parents even getting a divorce -- so in the ideal situation, the boy and girl here probably would never have met.

OP, again, it is really not ideal to have your stepson living with his stepsister/GF. I get that. But I feel like you can't just take away one of his homes. I think it would be really damaging for a kid to hear that he just can't live with his dad and dad's family anymore, but it's okay, he can live with his mom. Imagine hearing that. The fact that he can live with his mom will not make him feel less rejected.

So, you have to accept the non-ideal situation and make it work. Maryz's suggestions about behavioral boundaries would lay a good foundation for making the non-ideal situation work. I don't think it will be easy to put up with I think it will pain you and make you uncomfortable but I do think you can all get to where it works. Sounds like greylady was able to get to that place, so you know it can be done.

Obviously there needs to be a lot of discussion about this with everyone involved.

But I would not necessarily view or present moving DSS to his mother's house as a punishment, more a way of ensuring that both teens have the space to avoid getting into some very heavy weather, emotionally and physically, particularly as they are both underage. You are their parents, it's ok to take unpopular decisions if you think it's for the best.

Also, as IMHO, rather then some big love match, this is more likely to be two curious and hormonal teenagers with an easy access to each other to experiment.

Rather then some Romeo and Juliet uberlove angst, a bit of time apart may allow things to fizzle out and for them to gain a bit of perspective. It might be in the cold light of day, without being in such close proximity to each other, that the attraction dies completely, teenagers can be extremely fickle.

There are a no of things that are clear

1. This is not ideal
2. Most of us would not want this to happen
3. It is inevitable that both teenagers will be feeling very upset and embarrassed right now
4. The law regarding familial relationships was absolutely not designed to stop two teenagers who are not blood relatives having a relationship. That term is designed to stop abuse if trust on the part of older step-adults. There is no chance of the police being any more interested in this than in any relationship between teenagers (I am a lawyer).
5. If you try to force them not to see each other romantically they will find a way
6. You won't stop them having sex if they want to.
7. Whilst clearly it is not ideal for them to be sharing a house it is not as simple as saying they should not be living together. This is their home, their security and anchor in life.
8. If you ask DSS to leave he WILL feel embarrassed, rejected, punished and dirty. He may well never get over it regardless of whether he has somewhere else to go.
9. Remembering how strongly teenagers can feel in these relationships and their heightened sense of any injustice, your DD may not forgive you either.

It is not great having them in the same house but the alternative could have far more devastating effects.

I agree with theironfist, the police are not going to be interested. Adult family sex offences relate to siblings and half siblings. The child family sex offences require the elder step sibling to have had a caring role for the younger. IE if DD was 23 and had been looking after DSS for you.

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1/crossheading/familial-child-sex-offences

I'm surprised there hasn't been more focus on the boy's mother and her views.

Assuming she is a sensible loving parent what she thinks is best really matters. She has to be told. What are the chances that when she knows her 14 year old son is on the brink of starting a sexual relationship with his older step sister with whom he lives she won't insist on him coming back to live with her? Even if she agreed to the change of residence initially this alters the situation dramatically.

So all the talk of 'throwing the boy out' might be a bit misplaced if his mother insists he comes back (and she would have a jolly good case to get a residence order in the event it wasn't agreed).

I do think that the OP overreacted. But it was an understandable overreaction. I also agree that calm discussion is in order and that the best advice given was to ask them what they wanted. Though I'd possibly rephrase that as 'what they think should happen'.

Look I have already told my experience of a near identical situation. No harm came of it. The relationship was under our eyes, not clandestine. They were teased by their sibs but not by their friends. Your two are a little younger but the same applies. They are sleeping in the same house not in the same bed and you can insist that that continues. You are in grave danger of alienating both of them and especially the girl who is older. We are now a happy family who are united. We would not have been had we over reacted. The five years they lasted were easier than the fallout from the break up during which both of them had our love and support.

I completely agree with Maryz and Theironfistofarkus.

This situation is far from ideal and I can actually understand OP (and her DH) being shocked and their initial reaction being out of context. The OP and her DH see the children as being siblings and as such their reaction is justifiable. However, it is apparent that, for whatever reason, the DD and DSS do not see themselves as siblings.

It is pertinent that OP and her DH discuss this with his ex. All adults need to come to an agreement that is best for all the people involved, including the children.

What is ridiculous is all this talk of the children potentially committing incest and paraphrasing the 2003 Sexual Offences Act to support their ludicrous suggestions. It is neither helpful nor correct to suggest that the two children are breaking the law, or in danger of doing so. To quote Alexander Pope "A little learning is a dangerous thing..."

LadyMacbeth exactly what I was thinking!

Other than that I agree with Maryz. Nobody would want this to happen so it's a case if damage limitation and the boy's mother should be told ASAP so you can all discuss it together.

Would I be freaked out? Hell yes! But these are children and you are the grown ups. Children make decisions and choices for all the wrong reasons and possibly not based on what you might ever consider as rational. They look like grown ups but they are still kids.

I agree that shipping the boy off to his mother might resolve the issue of easy access to each other, but it will create a whole host of other problems which could potentially last a life time for him.

OP, you and DH need to put on your grownup caps and talk to these children, not alienate them. Open communication in a calm, non-judgemental way. Do not assume that communicating means telling them that they are bad or wrong. In fact, what you need to do is ask questions and let the kids do the talking. You need to listen to them so that you can assess exactly what is going on. When did this start, are they in love, are they merely experimenting with fooling around/sex, is it a secret or have they told their friends, have they thought about how it might be perceived by their friends and will they face bullying for it, where do they see this going?

Honestly, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world that could happen but I do sympathize that this is something you would not choose for them. Your job is to love, support and guide these children. They are at an age where you cannot make all the choices for them but they should feel free to discuss this with you and get an adults point of view on the decisions they make. They have not had sex yet, but if they do (and this applies regardless of their partners) you should be there to educate them on safe sex and be there to hold their hands when it breaks up.

To end off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling them kindly that you are uncomfortable with the whole situation and exactly why, but listen to them first.

They refer to each other as brother and sister. They've been brought up as such for at least 10 years. They share a sibling. It's wrong.

Would you be ok with your adopted child getting it on with your biological child? They aren't blood related.

I think you're going way over the top.

They're not biologically related so it's not incest. It might all fizzle out in a week, if not so what?

Completely understand that you don't want them canoodling or having sex in your house do take steps to ensure that doesn't happen.

You can't throw your stepson out.