To want DSS to move out

[Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus]

I am really not dealing with this well, I am physically shaking.
DH and I have been living with each other for 10 years now. I have two DD's from previous relationship who live with us and our DD, he has 1DS from previous relationship (14) shared joint custody with his mum until he was 12 then he decided he wanted to move in with us permently. I get on really well with DSS, he gets on with all DD's (minus a few fallen outs here and there) but everything was just great up until this evening....

DH goes into DSS room to get him as he was meant to be taking him out for a boys night, thought DSS was just playing xbox. I hear DP shouting, turns out my eldest DD (15) was in his room, they were kissing.
I get DH to calm down, take a breather, then sit them down and talk about this calmly even though I am not calm, I am freaking out inside... This is what they say, they have been 'dating' for two months now, they are in love, they have not had sex. Yet.
We have separated them, told them we will discus this properly in the morning. When everyone has called down properly.

I have come on MN typing furiously on the keypad, I need advice, help, I am freaking out. I honestly don't know what to do, I am now on my 2nd glass of wine.

Ffs, they used to share baths together when they were little. In the past three years of all of us properly living together they have had little tiffs like brothers and sisters do, and have referred to each other as 'brother' and 'sister' And most importantly they are both underage!!!
Tomorrow I want to tell DSS he has to move back to his mums, DH agrees.

How do I deal with this? Can anyone please offer some advice, I need to calm down.

It's not great and they will be horrifically bullied if anyone at school finds out.

DSS shoudn't be forced to move out though, that really isn't the answer. They'll probably want each other more if you force them apart.

I'd calm down and discuss things tomorrow with both of them. Hopefully it will fizzle out. Make it clear they're not to go into each others bedrooms, they're both underage and you won't condone underage sex with anyone in your house. Probably better to approach it from that angle rather than the brother/sister one.

After reading a couple of posts OP I wonder if you could think about the following things...

Is it any different from two friends raising their children side by side, sharing bath's, playing etc and later in life getting together? That is classed as childhood sweet hearts, obviously it is different but how much so given they are not related?

Do you actually think removing DSS will stop the relationship? If I remember correctly when I was 15 something like my parents intervening would of made me more determined (and I know you don't want to here this but people can have sex anywhere, it's maybe not going to increase the likelihood by them sharing a roof)

Are you prepared for DH to endure the fallout of this? His son possibly not talking to him for a long time etc?

I know it's hard but these are all questions I think you should look at before making decisions (I'm not asking you to post the answers it's just for you to think about)

Everyone saying the op needs to carm down would you let your 14 year old son or 15 year old daughter have their partner live in your house?

It's not just the "brother/sister" part it's the fact that you are then letting two minors who will want to have sex live under the same roof, makes having sex and other sexual things much easier. Unless your never going to leave them alone in the house and put alarms on their bedroom door like some foster homes I've seen do

I understand that this was a shock. But I think your reaction needs to be proportionate.

They were kissing. That is legal, and pretty 'normal' for a 14 and 15 year old. They are not by any means brother and sister genetically.

Are you worried about the ease with which they could have sex? Because tbh any 14 and 15 year old can have sex if they so choose. It might well not be in either of their parents houses, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.

If you throw your SS out (however you phrase it) I think you will face long-term problems in your relationship with him. Why not talk to them both about their expectations and yours, ground rules, etc instead?

I think it's a shame, really, that they probably both feel dirty and horrible now when they're just kids mucking about

Yes this!

I wouldn't let my 15yo DD live with her boyfriend.

They are either stepbrother and sister or boyfriend/girlfriend.

I think trying to control a mashup of both will end in stress, tears and broken relationships.

Sorry that sounds a bit harsh,

sex aside, they are both of the age where having a boy/-girlfriend is absolutely normal. I would find it more worrying that they felt they had to keep their feelings secret from you and your husband.

Also you should consider speaking to his BM before any decisions are made.

chattymum put it so much better

I know we didn't handle it well, and I definitely need to calm down. It was a massive shock. Not making any permanent decisions tonight, I just need other peoples perspectives on this. I know they're not related but I can't get my head around them playing together as kids, he lived with us for every other week before he permently moved in. I've just had so much going on recently and was not expecting this. Sorry if I've been unreasonable.

Confused YANBU, you are in shock and quite rightly so and it's good you are going to sleep on it.

I can understand why you are freaked out by this but they aren't actually related.

If they continue to live together and carry on dating then the sex aspect wont be far away, not at their age and with so much opportunity. I dated by foster brother as a teen and we managed to sneak about and have lots of sex despite being underage.

However if Dss is asked to leave that could permanently damage his relationship with his father.

Sorry Op I don't know what to suggest.Think how horrible it could all become if they split up. All that teenage angst and no escape from each other.

no no don't apologise my dear, vent away, bounce ideas and thoughts as much as you need

They haven't had sex yet. They have had ample opportunities, living in the same house, but haven't.

Why assume they are going to?

You have not being unreasonable, the shock must be terrible.
As people are saying, reinforce the fact that at that age , girlfriend/boyfriend should not live at the same house and ask what they think, if they have any solution etc...try and make them think that you think they are responsible and know what they are doing.

Also, maybe it is worth starting talking to them, separately I think, about contraception...

The share a sibling. To me, personally its weird.

My brother met my half sisters twice. They aren't related at all. I have same.mum as brother and same dad as half sisters. At my 18th I saw my brother chatting up my sister and he went in for a kiss!

I put a atop to that straight away. No way was I allowing that

Think it may seem to him that hes being sent away and very unfair and that your choosing your dd over him. They dont see themselves as being related.
Think its hard situation to be in.

Totally understand that you are shocked, confused.

And very sensible to sleep on this, this needs to be handled very carefully.

I do think they need to be separated, they are a blended family, living as brother and sister. The ridicule from friends and peers is potentially quite embarrassing for everyone. Just my opinion. Realise everyone has the right to there's are all that.

Since most of us will not have been in this situation it's all hypothetical to say what we would do. Can you contact your Aunty Google and see if there are any useful links.
Btw I do believe our gut instincts are usually right.

Why assume they are going to?

My first

I think it would be better if DSS moved out obviously, but in no way can you force it. That would have horrible repercussions for you and DH's relationship in the future. Much worse than what hopefully will be a flash in the pan relationship with DD.

Why didn't he want to live with his mother? Any particular reason?

Agree with spscliff. Sorry . Other kids their age will really not understand this.

Sorry what have they done that is so evil?They are not blood relatives .They are 2 young people who are having a relationship .why are you making them feel dirty and guilty for snogging?
So you are going to throw out your DSS- what for? Your DD is the elder of the 2 and therefore if there is blame to be apportioned, she should bear more than him.Yet you are throwing him out? He is going to rebel big time!! and with just cause.And you think you will stop their relationship??