To want DSS to move out

[Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus]

I am really not dealing with this well, I am physically shaking.
DH and I have been living with each other for 10 years now. I have two DD's from previous relationship who live with us and our DD, he has 1DS from previous relationship (14) shared joint custody with his mum until he was 12 then he decided he wanted to move in with us permently. I get on really well with DSS, he gets on with all DD's (minus a few fallen outs here and there) but everything was just great up until this evening....

DH goes into DSS room to get him as he was meant to be taking him out for a boys night, thought DSS was just playing xbox. I hear DP shouting, turns out my eldest DD (15) was in his room, they were kissing.
I get DH to calm down, take a breather, then sit them down and talk about this calmly even though I am not calm, I am freaking out inside... This is what they say, they have been 'dating' for two months now, they are in love, they have not had sex. Yet.
We have separated them, told them we will discus this properly in the morning. When everyone has called down properly.

I have come on MN typing furiously on the keypad, I need advice, help, I am freaking out. I honestly don't know what to do, I am now on my 2nd glass of wine.

Ffs, they used to share baths together when they were little. In the past three years of all of us properly living together they have had little tiffs like brothers and sisters do, and have referred to each other as 'brother' and 'sister' And most importantly they are both underage!!!
Tomorrow I want to tell DSS he has to move back to his mums, DH agrees.

How do I deal with this? Can anyone please offer some advice, I need to calm down.

Hope they are all busy sorting the situation out and that the OP comes back with a positive outcome.

Thank you all for your responses, a lot have them have really, really helped. I was freaking out a bit and I'm so glad I came on here to try and calm down a bit. It helped.
Thought I would update, I spoke to DD first in the morning just on her own before DSS woke up, just to see how she was feeling about things ect, she admitted to me they had in fact had sex, so DSS lied about them not having sex, I kept very, very calm. Almost like I was already half expecting her to tell me that. We talked about contraception and being ready ect, she really does seem to like him.
DH and I both apologised for him shouting at them and me having a bit of a panic but also said we wouldn't be tolerating under age sex in the house. Told DSS his mum definitely has to know about this, asked him if he wanted to be the one to do it but he refused. So me and DH went round without kids, she freaked out. A LOT. But decided she wanted DSS to come back home. Then we all spoke to DD and DSS, told DSS he was not being kicked out and if he decided going back to his mums was the right choice our door will be always open to him, he decided he would live at his mums but visit here a lot. His own choice. It's only a 20 minute journey between us.

Oh I am glad he decided to go and won't get kicked out and glad his mother is also taking responsibility.

Sorry to ask, but did you know that your Dd wans't virgin anymore? I have a Dd who is nearly 7 and I am not looking forward to the teen years at all.

Sounds like she trusts you and you are doing a very good job with your family!

Do you think they will keep dating? Will she have a chance to visit him at his mum's?

I think you should to get very strict towards contraception now.

Confused - I think you have handled that excellently, with the right combination of being supportive and protective.

well done, op. You played a shit hand well. Hope you and DH are recovering from the shock!

Wow what a parenting minefield! Well done for such a non-confrontational and wise outcome. I wonder if they perhaps almost wanted to be caught - a full on sexual living-together relationship is an awful lot of pressure at that age and a lot easier to get into than out of. There may be perhaps a little secret relief on one or both of their parts that they can now step back a little.

Have you discussed with the young people what happens next? Is their relationship going to carry on? Have they used contraception up to now? Are you going to help them access contraception or would that feel to you/dh like condoning under-age sex? Are they at the same school? Will they find ways to meet out of the house or at dss's mum's?

(Please don't answer any of these if better not - I'm just asking questions aloud as food for thought as I'm sure this will just be chapter one of a much longer story.)

You handled that so well, I am really impressed. Hope you're having a good weekend now

Gosh, well done! And good luck with the next few months, the calm approach is the best way.

why is your DD not being kicked out then if DSS is? I quite shocked your DH agreed tbh.....father of the year pending (!)

it takes 2 you know?

HowlingTrap, have you RTFT?

HowlingTrap amazing that you have a go on your own post for people not reading what has been written and here you are doing the same, double standards much?

Confused So glad you came back. I think in this situation you have handled yourselves as well as anyone could hope to. It's good to see that DSS has made the right decision in moving back to his Mum's.

Good luck with everything

well done confused so difficult but seems you've moved forward. I'm pleased for you.

You've handled this so well OP, I wish your family the best of luck.

FFS HowlingTrap read the thread. Or at least read the OP's update, no one is being 'kicked out'.

Well done you, what a rollercoaster few days! The relationship/ regard you have for dss's mum is really wonderful to hear. When blended families have strong parents on both sides it makes the tough times more stable for the kids.

It is not great having them in the same house but the alternative could have far more devastating effects - like what, exactly? The boy has chosen to live with his father because he has a bigger room and wifi ffs! , hardly life-threatening to move back to his mother's, where he anyway has a room 'that isn't big enough' . Dear me, he got to make that choice on the flimsiest pretext - I'm amazed the parents took that as a good enough reason to move if those were indeed his reasons.

As for Over-reacting, banishing him, making them feel weird, disgusting, dirty, immoral - saying it's 'weird' and 'wrong' is not saying it's disgusting, dirty, immoral or any such thing; but that it is inappropriate. They have lived together as brother and sister from when they were young, it is immaterial that they are not blood-related. The lawthat posters refer to that includes step-siblings states that 18 is the cut-off; these two are well shy of 18 so SS will be involved.

I am simply amazed that the general consensus has been that OP is 'over-reacting' and needs to 'calm down'. This is a very serious situation with potentially very serious, and damaging, consequences - perhaps already realised, as they've had sex. Bleating that DSS will feel 'rejected' at having to move back to his perfectly warm home with his loving mother pales into insignificance when he is shagging his step-sister, with both of them underage.

Is DH going to be able to handle them being in a romantic relationship ?

Calm down. They are not related by either blood or marriage. They are not brother and sister. To be blunt it suits you to treat all 4 children as if it's all one big happy family but the reality is there are 3 families. Huge over reaction.

The Scottish equivalent of the familial rules doesn't seem to apply in Scotland to step - siblings. It's only step - parent and step - sibling relationships which are struck at until 18 or 21 depending on the context.

Sorry meant step - parent / step - child relationships. Step - sibling relationships are not prohibited.

I think you handled that a heck of a lot better than I would have, especially at the revelation they've had sex so young.

I certainly wish you and your family the best going forward.

**I mean, sex with each other as well as sex so young (though in todays society not "young" at all I suppose).

Well done OP, hats off to you and DH.
Stepson's mum reacted very normally, there were no kids around to consider when you broke the news so I'm assuming she let it all out.

This is just the beginning of the saga, you will need to handle everything going forward very delicately. Try to envisage different scenarious that could come up and decide how you will deal with them.

And the most important thing, regardless of not allowing underage sex in your home, it did happen and you were unaware of it. Take this as your cue to open up and work on communication with your daughter, you could turn this into a positive. Well done on her for being honest with you, and you remaining calm. Please, please get her onto contraception now. It is not condoning her having sex, it's just being responsible for her and teaching her to be responsible for herself too.