To want DSS to move out

[Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus]

I am really not dealing with this well, I am physically shaking.
DH and I have been living with each other for 10 years now. I have two DD's from previous relationship who live with us and our DD, he has 1DS from previous relationship (14) shared joint custody with his mum until he was 12 then he decided he wanted to move in with us permently. I get on really well with DSS, he gets on with all DD's (minus a few fallen outs here and there) but everything was just great up until this evening....

DH goes into DSS room to get him as he was meant to be taking him out for a boys night, thought DSS was just playing xbox. I hear DP shouting, turns out my eldest DD (15) was in his room, they were kissing.
I get DH to calm down, take a breather, then sit them down and talk about this calmly even though I am not calm, I am freaking out inside... This is what they say, they have been 'dating' for two months now, they are in love, they have not had sex. Yet.
We have separated them, told them we will discus this properly in the morning. When everyone has called down properly.

I have come on MN typing furiously on the keypad, I need advice, help, I am freaking out. I honestly don't know what to do, I am now on my 2nd glass of wine.

Ffs, they used to share baths together when they were little. In the past three years of all of us properly living together they have had little tiffs like brothers and sisters do, and have referred to each other as 'brother' and 'sister' And most importantly they are both underage!!!
Tomorrow I want to tell DSS he has to move back to his mums, DH agrees.

How do I deal with this? Can anyone please offer some advice, I need to calm down.

And yes I agree with all those who say its not an incestuous relationship, nor is it something the police would be interested in.

But neither is it really desirable for 2 minors in the same household to be engaged in such a relationship and therefore calm discussion needs to be had. But the worst that could happen would be for the 2 young people to be made to feel ashamed and/or dirty or for them to have their feelings disregarded.

What a very tricky situation to be in.

What ever action is taken some one is going to get hurt.

I am sorry but I think the reasons why DSS doesn't want to live with his mum are very shallow. Is his relationship with his mum really good? Maybe I am being incredibly U but I would be extremely sad if my daughter decided to live with her dad because he can provide a bigger room. But I know children has the right to choose and all that....,, anyway why his mum doesn't have wireless?.
I know this isn't the topic of discussion but just wondering if DSS relationship with his mum is solid as OP thinks.....don't come all down on me I have absolutely no experience with step parenting or blended families whatsoever.

So if OPs DP now adopted the girls he's raised as his own for the last 10+ years you'd say it needed to be stopped but as he's their father in all but name they can continue? How bizarre.

Some 14 year olds are that shallow, infact some adults are that shallow.

Could you explain that further Maryz? Why fifi has no understanding of adoption? Step parent adoption, when there is no involved other parent is hardly uncommon.

I would not like if my children and step children had a relationship together this young. I know my children and step children would be disgusted if someone suggested such a thing as they see each other as siblings. I would feel the same about first cousins also or anyone I was brought up with in a close familial relationship with. I would react like the op and would put some distance between them . To me it is wrong and they are too young. People wouldn't find it so acceptable if it was a step father who had a relationship with his step daughter even if she was well over the age of consent.

I would be freaking out, so don't blame you at all OP, it must have been a shock. I think you have handled it very, very well by all walking away to think and calm down.

Don't know what to say, but could DH pay for him to have wifi at his mums, if he moves back there, although is that and the size of his room really the only reasons he is living with his dad and you?

Why do people keep saying it's wrong for 14 and 15 year-old boyfriend and girlfriend to be living together?

They are both living in their own home.

I think some people are confusing this with "moving in together", which is not what's happening here. The living arrangements predate the relationship, if I've read the OP correctly.

I don't see why my view means I have no idea on adoption? DP intends on adopting DS in future years. His dad is alive but uninterested.

Because the reason they were living together in the same home is because they were being raised as siblings in a family unit. Now their relationship has changed they are no longer part of one family unit - they don't consider each other to be family as a result living together may no longer be appropriate.

"If someone catches a parent looking sideways at their toddler they want to call SS but if alarmed parents catch their underage stepsiblings on the verge of a sexual relationship its all about the chilling out"

You said exactly what I was thinking/couldn't find the words, Mrs DV.

Crikey, poor you OP. I would have been mortified. But yes, chat with his mother and find a way forward. I think having him spend more time at his mum's home - no not as a punishment - is one answer.

Love is 95% proximity or something like that (I made it up)

No, brutha, they are living in the same home because their parents are in a relationship.

Your insistence on using the phrase "living together" is getting in the way of logic.

But you're discussing the legalities Maryz as if that would make a difference to how these children or any other children in the same scenario would feel. The OPs DH adopting her DD would not have made her and his son feel anything more like siblings especially if being raised as siblings for 10 years didn't do it.

Goodness, I feel for you.

I would hate it too. Blood related or not, they are step siblings. The blood makes no difference to me, they are family, being parented by two of the same people. Legally and biologically they may not be siblings but they are being raised in the same house by the same people and that isn't something I would be ok with.

I have no idea what I would do. I would hate to be in your shoes.

I don't think you are over-reacting. It's going to be a hard one to navigate for sure.

I know the legal side thanks. It's not the legal side that would make me stop the relationship. They don't consider each other brother and sister anymore? That's not something you can pick and choose if you decide to get it on. They are brother and sister. I don't give a monkeys about blood.

No Rhonda I disagree - the OP and her DH did not just shack up together and bring the two kids with them. They have been living as a family for years and the children have a shared sibling. To imply anything else shows a massive understanding of stepfamilies and is really quite insulting.

I agree with Maryz, its not disgusting or wrong, its just Not very sensible, its got far reaching implications for the family, it's a BAD idea.

It's not just teenagers of course. That's why there's the plethora of stupid phrases like: 'don't screw the crew,' 'don't shit on your back door step', etc, etc.