To want DSS to move out

[Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus]

I am really not dealing with this well, I am physically shaking.
DH and I have been living with each other for 10 years now. I have two DD's from previous relationship who live with us and our DD, he has 1DS from previous relationship (14) shared joint custody with his mum until he was 12 then he decided he wanted to move in with us permently. I get on really well with DSS, he gets on with all DD's (minus a few fallen outs here and there) but everything was just great up until this evening....


DH goes into DSS room to get him as he was meant to be taking him out for a boys night, thought DSS was just playing xbox. I hear DP shouting, turns out my eldest DD (15) was in his room, they were kissing.
I get DH to calm down, take a breather, then sit them down and talk about this calmly even though I am not calm, I am freaking out inside... This is what they say, they have been 'dating' for two months now, they are in love, they have not had sex. Yet.
We have separated them, told them we will discus this properly in the morning. When everyone has called down properly.

I have come on MN typing furiously on the keypad, I need advice, help, I am freaking out. I honestly don't know what to do, I am now on my 2nd glass of wine.

Ffs, they used to share baths together when they were little. In the past three years of all of us properly living together they have had little tiffs like brothers and sisters do, and have referred to each other as 'brother' and 'sister' And most importantly they are both underage!!!
Tomorrow I want to tell DSS he has to move back to his mums, DH agrees.

How do I deal with this? Can anyone please offer some advice, I need to calm down.

[SmileItsANewYear]

reinforce the fact that at that age , girlfriend/boyfriend should not live at the same house and ask what they think, if they have any solution etc...try and make them think that you think they are responsible and know what they are doing.

This, if you tell them this then DSS might make the decision to move out himself in order to continue his relationship. They are ultimately kids and it very unlikely this relationship will last. Can't hurt to try and make them think it was their idea.

[Theironfistofarkus]

I can imagine it is a shock for you as it is unexpected. But they really have not done anything wrong and are both probably feeling very embarrassed at having been caught kissing by a parent - I was once caught by my parents and was mortified.

I would personally apologise for the shouting but explain it was the shock of it, put in place some rules ie ask them not to go into each others rooms and tell them that you will not try to stop them provided they behave maturely, follow the ruled and ensure that if they argue or break up they find a way to be mature and amicable because otherwise the family will not be able to live together happily.

As others have said if teenagers want to have sex they will find a way. There is nothing you can do too stop that.

[Onepostposy]

I don't understand the Or were you all bonking like frantic rabbits at 15?

I had boyfriends as a teenager but I wasn't sexually active until I turned 19. I'm not saying they necessarily won't, I am saying that they seem to have been responsible thus far. Why assume they will start having sex in the immediate future unless they are separated now, immediately?

Like I say, they have had ample opportunity to be sexually active, and they haven't. Maybe they've decided to wait, maybe they haven't even thought beyond kissing?

[stella69x]

Are they not experimenting in a controlled environment? Not bio related but age/experience related? So safer than strangers but safe coz 'family'

[Theironfistofarkus]

Ps imagine how justifiably hard done by DSS will feel if your DD was the instigator.

[Upcycled]

onepostposy I just think they being in the same house will make things easier and the sense of forbidden will make sex more appealing. Specially now after all the drama. And even if they don't have sex now but later, whenever it is, I really don't think this is ideal at all. I don't think they should been kissing either. But this is just my opinion.

BTW, DSS was cheeky enough to say they haven't had sex yet...so they are definitely talking/thinking about it...

[Shellywelly1973]

I don't think your over reacting. I think you were right to let them both know their behaviour isn't appropriate or acceptable.

Incredibly difficult situation op. Really feel for you and your ds.

[Onepostposy]

I didn't read it like that upcycled - we haven't had sex yet was (in my mind) just a reference to the fact that a serious relationship will inevitably become sexual at some point - it doesn't mean it is imminent. I don't think he was being cheeky :) Depends on how it was said.

I do honestly believe that if they were going to have sex it would have happened - the fact it hasn't does suggest some common sense and good judgement :)

[Upcycled]

He might been lying too, but who knows.

If they were not thinking about sex they would be outraged this has been suggested. Me thinks!

[CheckpointCharlie]

agree with Maryz sit down and chat to them about it! what do they want/think?

[SmileItsANewYear]

Upcycled We don't know if it was intended to be cheeky or if maybe he was just trying to have an adult conversation and be honest. If it was intended to reassure that they haven't had sex but they have discussed it I am inclined to think this could show maturity on DSS part.

I think it is important for something like sex to be discussed. Even at 15, they need to be clear with each other what their boundaries are.

[Confusedconfusedconfusedconfus]

DSS prefers it here because he has a bigger room and wifi. I have decided I'm not going to force DSS to leave, but they do need to be separated, I really don't want to condone underage sex. I've asked DH to pop his head round DSS and DD door quickly and say sorry for shouting. I feel a bit bad on them now. He wont, he still wants DSS to leave, I think he may need more time to calm down, he's very angry. DSS asked us to please not tell his mum. She's a lovely woman and I think she would have maybe handled it better than me, I'm probably going to tell her after I've spoken to them about it, I like the idea of also talking to them on their own.

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

Maryz talks sense, OP.

[BettyBotter]

YANBU. For both their sakes I wouldn't allow my 14/15 yo dc to live with their boy/girlfriend if they weren't a family member, all the more so if they were. That's too young for such a full on living together relationship, regardless of the complications of being step siblings.

I'd do what you're planning. Dss has a loving home to go to, but make sure family contact continues (chaperoned discretely at all times) so he doesn't feel it's him being punished.

[SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking]

I couldn't just leave them to it. In my eyes it's weird but that just my opinion. It's the fact they share a sibling that makes it worse.

But Mary says, forbid it and they will want each other more.

[BettyBotter]

I would definitely tell his mum (or better make sure ds or dh does). Can you imagine how she might perceive it if you hid and apparently condoned a continuing relationship from her?

[BitOfFunWithSanta]

I agree with Maryz, but I would still want to separate their living arrangements.

[coco44]

and you think they are not having sex because that's what they told you???
we all know that teenagers never lie to their parents don't we?

[coco44]

what Maryz said!

[WooWooOwl]

Well done for giving yourself some space to think about it before talking to them properly. I think a bit of shouting was justified in the circumstances!

I don't think it's fair to move your DSS out of your home. I can completely understand why you want them separated, but separating them physically won't separate them from each other emotionally, which is presumably what you want to happen most.

They need to be spoken to in a rational way and be helped to see the reasons why their relationship cannot continue in this way.

It's more likely to run its course if they are still living together and things are being tightly managed by all of their parents. If they are separated, the feelings they have for each other are likely to grow stronger as they start seeing themselves as some kind of modern day Romeo and Juliet.

[BohemianGirl]

The laws against incest were removed in 2002

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/3299240/How-incest-slipped-from-statute-book.html

It was replaced with something called 'familial relationships' - which includes step-siblings. So make that clear - you can still have an incestuous relationship if you were brought up with someone in a sibling capacity.

[thegreylady]

My dss and my dd began a relationship when she was 15 and he was 17. At first we were horrified but it was not wrong and , although they eventually broke up, they were together for 5 years right through university. They both married other people and had children and are now good friends.
They were not children. You love the father, why shouldn't your dd love the son? My dss was my dd's first sexual partner and I am glad of that. I knew him and trusted him. There is no blood relationship. They are doing nothing wrong.